Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Where will we go from here

I will look into it but have never heard of this in our area. Sparks I am assuming you are in Philly or Pitt which is much different than the rest of PA for the court systems. For divorce we actually have mandatory M counselling if one party chooses it but I never saw anything other than Children and Youth that offer public counselling. However, I will check into it.

I just cant understand I how fell for someone like this.

Alright, Tim. I'm probably going to be breaking some DB rules with my thoughts, as I weigh in.

Straight up. This is NO LONGER about your M. This is no longer about your WW. This is about your son(s). I know the S16 is 'poisoned'...but honestly...his real angst is probably at his mother. Not you. He has no way to process this mess.

I completely agree you need to file. And do it quickly. You just uncovered that your WW threatened your S!!! That is abuse! I know I'm not telling you (a lawyer) anything you're unaware of...

Take your 'anger' and 'pain'. Channel that into helping your Sons. The WW is NOT thinking with their best interests at heart.

So sorry, man. I can't imagine how hard that conversation must have been. Especially not to retaliate and defend yourself. Your S will understand how important that was in years to come and will respect you for it. Also...they will both be watching as you navigate these next steps. Make sure you handle yourself in a way that they can respect when they are at an age to do so.

Thanks Ojap. I agree there comes a time when the M is not the priority. I can be very tenacious and have prided myself on it and I sit at my desk everyday and can make this a priority. I also have the advantage of doing the paperwork and research myself so my legal fees will be much lower.

I know this against the DB principles myself but I cannot make the M priority over the well being of S when she is telling him she is going to make it so he cannot see me.

For as ugly as she is being, I am changing my locks tomorrow and saying something to the local police to keep an eye on my house. She is not acting anywhere near rationally.

It's codependency, Tim.

It's an unconscious thing we do. You saw a damsel in distress and you sprung into action. I did the same thing. I always wanted W's approval, so I would do all kinds of stuff for her.

Over time, she was able to put it in cruise control because I was hooked.

I told IC "I can't even keep an alcoholic" and his jaw about hit the floor.

He responded, an alcoholic not in recovery can't have a relationship.

Just goes to show how warped my thinking is. My self esteem has taken a beating due to my codependency. Why in the hell did I put up with this for so long? A healthy man would of told W to go fly a kite once he saw her true colors.

But yet, I still love her. Go figure...

Oh I know how you feel. After all of this comes out, right now I would still take her back. Not as quickly though as yesterday.

I guess chivalry is not dead, instead it just kills us. While I am so angry with her, I will still not take the low road. I am not going to insult, I am not going to post on social media, I am not going to go around to her job or her friends and inform them of what she is doing. But I will do what needs to be done for S13. After I start it I may then try to reach out to S16.

I just cannot understand how it all came to this. I gotta read the stuff on codependency because I cannot imagine I got involved with such a woman. How did I not see those tendencies under the surface. I truly am a fool.

No fool, bro. It really isn't possible to SEE the tendencies. The truth is that people change. We grow, or digress. Our life is more than the sum of our mistakes...but our choices (both small and large) do define us over the long haul. She made small/incremental choices that led her down this road.

You didn't make those choices. Sure...you made your own....and will have to work on yourself. But the ones that are now toxic...those were choices. There is no way to 'predict' those choices. Look at all of us on here...and the countless thousands going through similar sitch's. We're not all 'bad judges of character'...it is simply life and the existence of free will.

I get not 'knowing how it came to this though'. I just tried to explain it...but it still baffles the mind. Slow growth in the dark...slow growth that goes undetected.

Yeah, you're not a fool, Tim.

You cared. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes our hearts can get us in trouble if we dive in without thinking about it.

I agree with ojaps post above. People do change. I would never in a million years have guessed that my husband would be capable of leaving us and refusing to pay child support. He is an educated professional. Went to really good schools. Came from supportive family (although I recently found out about some major dysfunctions). He was logical and loyal and dependable. To do this is shocking, and makes me believe that I must be this horrific wife for him to have done this. Obviously to him I was. Many of the posters on here are in similar situations.

But then again there are some situations where there are glaring red flags and in order to not repeat those mistakes it is necessary that we recognize them. I think when a relationship starts out with a lot of drama, it is a warning sign. Both people need to be healed in order to have a healthy relationship.

Well spoke to L today and will be getting the ball rolling. She told me beside an initial letter and trying to work things out as adults, there are no other alternatives in our area to filing. Definitely want a L because I will not be able to represent myself and look at it objectively as I should.

I have spent the morning reading case law which seems promising that I will get something but IDK about 50/50 right at the beginning. I cannot express how angry I am that it would come to this, that she would use her kids as pawns to try and hurt me. She has to be aware her actions have already killed me inside and this is just unnecessary.

IDK that there is any semblance of the woman I married still left. My God was I that horrible to bring her to these tactics or was that who she was all along?

Needless to say I did not sleep at all last night, last time I looked at the clock it was 2:30 and then awoke sweating and shaking at 3 something and again at 5, 6, and finally 7. Breath I can make it through this and tomorrow is another day.