Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Too Much Time Is Passing By

So glad you went to the gym and are pumped up before your meeting with H. Take a look at the validation cheat sheet, stay light and breezy. Good luck - keep us posted.

Read Sandis rules! And validate!

Remember, you aren't pining away for him! You are solid and enjoying your life! Come on! I know you can pull it off!

In my case, the W is going after everything - including a trust left to me from my Mother. The W makes incredible money - her going after it, and even trying to stake a claim on my Mother's home because we did some fixing up - well it's beyond the pale.

Things are going to get really, really ugly if she pursues this. Everything that's community property will be liquidated, which breaks my heart. She chose not to go with mediation, rather lawyered up and went for the jugular.

This is Sandi's thoughts on the WW and A on steroids. I really can't see any chance of an R after there's nothing but rubble around us. After a D it would be hard enough to work through the baggage of her being WAW and A, then on top of it knowing everything we built together is gone, the lawyers have all the money and I've got to start over. I'd be more than gunshy at that point. Then there's the "friends", some of whom I know either enabled or actually pushed her this direction.

That's what's so terribly depressing about this whole CA divorce sitch. I wish I could slow it down somehow, someway.

To get back to Hope and not hijack her thread, it really sounds as if there's a lot more than a little something there. Compared to what I'm going through - well I'd trade in a heartbeat I tell you what!

All I can say is don't pursue, the H seems to be doing that just fine. Continue your GAL. It seems to be like popcorn to pigeons in your situation.

Thank you all for your support. You gave me the fuel I needed to get through.

1313, I'm sorry that the process is moving so quickly and I know it's hard bc i struggle with the idea that "not even a divorce can stop a reconciliation." Especially when we feel like our WAS are done and done. But keep DBing. Even when it's hard. That's what keeps me going b/c it's all I can do at this point.

So, I have one word to describe my interaction with H last night: interesting. It's kind of a long story so let me explain:

I left the gym feeling amazing not just b/c I was seeing him, but b/c my blood was pumping, my body was moving and I kept thinking to myself, "This guy is a fool to leave me. But ok, whatever." So in a nutshell, I was feeling very good about myself. That made me feel strong enough to deal with whatever he was going to say to me. I bought some fresh flowers and a few of his favorite snacks, and spruced the place up. I know, I'm a sucker but I hadn't seen him in so long. He came in and I was immediately cool, calm, and airy, greeted him with a smile. He stood back and looked at me and then hugged me. Commented on how much weight I had lost, etc. Then talked about how I need to move and our taxes and how he would help me find a place to live and help out where he could b/c he doesn't want me to feel abandoned. He also checked his mail, but didn't take any of it. He said he would come back for it (but he's said that before and never did). I tried not to react, show emotion, stay calm, shut my mouth and listen to what he had to say. In those moments, he could tell I was keeping my emotions down so he would say, "I know this is hard for you and not what you want," and he would get quiet himself and seem a bit sad. But then I would return to my airy, light, cool self. I know i messed up in these moments and I'm upset with myself for not staying stronger.

Either way, those moments happened a few times but I was able to snap out of it very quickly which at the time, I thought was ok. He stayed for a while, and it felt like old times: a few moments of laughter, talking about our jobs, friends, etc. I tried to act like i was moving on but then I asked him questions about his life so I know I messed up there. And he kept saying how he knows this is not what I want and knows this hard. He also said he feels he was doing something that he is incapable of doing (I assume he meant being married), and how the only thing that he's into doing is working and how he feels this is the right thing for him to be doing. He didn't bring up the D word but I can tell thats what he was talking about. But this is also where I messed up alot b/c though I just listened and validated, I would say my peace about how I feel and how I have never given up on us, and how I enjoy talking to him about things and how he is someone I want in my life. I said those things after he said that he wants to make sure I'm ok in life and that he's there for me for whatever I need and that I can always come to him for anything. Writing this, I just felt my heart sink b/c I guess he's coming to a peace with Ding me. I also keep feeling that maybe he's being amicable with me so that if it comes to that, he can say he was nice and trying to work with me or for me to make the D easier. He said he's here to help me transition into this next phase so that hurt.

I validated some more and told him thank you and I appreciate him being so honest with me. And that I know we have different opinions but I respect him and his opinions. He thanked me for interacting with him the way I was. And then we went back to "hanging out" and talking about random things. When he first came over, I told him I had to leave b/c I'm going to watch the Oscars someplace and so throughout the time he was there, he kept trying to leave, but didn't. And before he got there, I told myself, I'm giving him half an hour but I didn't so I was a bit annoyed with myself for that. Finally, when I felt my emotions getting out of sorts again, I abruptly told him, "Ok I gotta go and get ready now." And he agreed and quickly put on his coat to leave and told me to tell him what I thought about the show. We hugged for a long time and I walked him outside. This is always the hardest part so I abruptly said, "Ok, see you later!" and closed the door quickly while he was still standing there. I just couldn't do the long, sappy goodbye look b/c I can't stand seeing him walk away. It hurts way too much. I told him it was good to see him and I wish so much time didn't pass between our interactions and he said he's sorry and that will not happen again b/c he doesn't want me to feel abandoned. He kept saying that and it was frustrating b/c he DID abandon me and now he thinks I'm ok with it. I forgot to mention that when he first got there, he told me he cares for me very much and always will and that he never meant to hurt me the way he has.

Im trying not to hang on his every word b/c I know none of it means anything and I have no expectations. I just don't know what to make of it all. I'm so grateful that we got to interact but I know I messed up a lot. I should have acted "as-if" more. I should have not asked him about what he's been up to and told him what I've been up to. But I love talking to him. And he said he loves spending time with me. But I guess he means in a non-committal way. And I don't know when I'll see him and interact with again so feeling a bit sad again. And it just seems like he is ok with everything and at peace with D. But I know there's nothing I can do about that.

Just remembered I also asked him about his wedding ring and made a joke about him kicking it someplace like he was playing soccer or something. He didn't laugh and said it was at his house. I just laughed it off and changed the subject. I know this was bad. Ughhhh... so upset. He also said that he liked living for himself and feels this is the right thing to do.

There are some positives here, Hope.

First, you applied the Sandi's rules. Nice job!

Second, I think you planted a seed with him. You showed him a different side of you. You've lost weight, you were calm, you laughed, you validated.

There's no way he didn't notice all of that ^^^.

This stuff takes time. You take tiny little steps to get there.

Yesterday was a tiny step for you. Stay the course.

This isn't over by a long shot.

Thank you so much Thornton for your kind words. I am feeling so frustrated with myself b/c I couldve done better. I finally got the opportunity and could've done better. It's very frustrating.

And I', just remembering things he said, like how he hates his job and doesn't know what he's doing in his life right now. And how maybe he's just supposed to be alone forever. It's all so frustrating.

First I am with Thornton and think you did well.

Second, I think those things that he was saying were self pity things to elicit a compassionate reaction from you.

Third I see more opportunities for you coming up. He wants to help you look and help financially. So you will definitely be seeing each other again.

It seems hopeful and I bet H seeing the new and improved you has got him thinking.

We all make mistakes and can Monday morning quarterback our sitches to death. Be happy with all the good things you did and keep improving you!

Well why is trying to elicit compassion from me if he wants to D? If he's doing something that I don't agree with?

I am going to continue to DB, 180 and GAL but I wonder do, I follow up with him, get less darker, stay at the same shade of dark i am now, allow him to initiate contact since that what he said he'll do? Not sure. Last time I jumped immediately on the crumbs I was thrown, I scared him off.

Hope - I agree with Thornon and Tim, you did well. No one is perfect at this DB'ing stuff! It is really hard with all of our emotions! I just chastised myself for not sticking to my boundaries more yesterday. It is just something we have to continue to practice and get better at. Overall, the fact that you were different will definitely have his interest piqued. Hopefully, more interactions in the future will show him your consistent, positive changes are here to stay!

I am also glad the workout made you feel so good! Keep it up!