Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Still NC - Trying to move forward

Thanks, Hope.

You're right, I am in great company. I appreciate all of you guys.

I slept ok last night but had a heck of a time falling asleep. I laid there in the dark for 2 hours just thinking about my sitch.

I scanned our entire relationship looking for signs and clues that I could have picked up on and chose to ignore for fear of rocking the boat.

I'm not the same guy I used to be. When I met W, I was much more confident. When she would act like a jerk, I would simply leave and tell her to call me when she wanted to talk. I was detached.

Over time, I slowly made her my world. And when I realized that she was my world, I also realized I could be devestated if she were to ever pull the plug. This is where I started to change.

I started over-investing in the R. I would try harder than her. I would try to talk our issues out with her and it seemed like she slowly put our relationship on cruise control.

And then when she finally did leave 18 months ago during the first bomb, I was such a wreck. We started piecing and I pretty much walked on eggshells for the last 18 months. We never really got to the root of our issue.

I was in counseling and she just did her own thing. No therapy, no AA, nothing. In fact, she was secretly relapsing the whole time I thought we were planning our future. I can't identify any clues that would have tipped me off to any of this. Perhaps I should have made some suprise visits to her place but that in itself is unhealthy and not detached.

One clue that I wish I would have acted on, was the change in her demeanor when we first bought our house. We moved in and it was like a light switch, she became very oppositional. She went from excited to be a home owner to "I'm not going to take any crap from anyone".

Granted, I was stressed with the purchase of the house, I had to do all the leg work, the house is solely in my name. But I wasn't being an ass.

I should have spent more time trying to talk with her about what she was feeling. But I honestly don't know if she would have been honest with me.

I really think that maybe she was withdrawing from alcohol. She was living with me now and had to give up her secret life. In turn, I think she started to resent me.

She would have conversations with me that life wasn't fair and that she knows she could have a drink every now and then. When I wouldn't buy into her theory, she would accuse me of calling her a liar. She would make me the bad guy because I wouldn't say "honey, I agree, I think you can drink one every now and then".

I think she might associate me with sobriety. And she doesn't think she has an issue with alcohol anymore.

Anywho.. thanks for reading.

"When I wouldn't buy into her theory, she would accuse me of calling her a liar."

When she offers up a theory, say "We'll see".


A farmer had only one horse. One day, his horse ran away.

His neighbors said, “I'm so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.”

The man just said, “We'll see.”

A few days later, his horse came back with twenty wild horses following. The man and his son corralled all 21 horses.

His neighbors said, “Congratulations! This is such good news. You must be so happy!”

The man just said, “We'll see.”

One of the wild horses kicked the man's only son, breaking both his legs.

His neighbors said, “I'm so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.”

The man just said, “We'll see.”

The country went to war, and every able-bodied young man was drafted to fight. The war was terrible and killed every young man, but the farmer's son was spared, since his broken legs prevented him from being drafted.

His neighbors said, “Congratulations! This is such good news. You must be so happy!”

The man just said, “We'll see.”

Thats an interesting tale, mutatio, took me a few reads to digest.

When my H says "We'll see," it drives me crazy. Maybe I should flip the script a bit.

Mu, interesting. Thanks for checking in.

It's interesting how stress affects my body.

I have never had issues with neck/upper back pain. But in the last 2 weeks, my neck and back have been stiff as a board.

I also have a perpetual knot in my stomach that never really goes away either.

I wouldn't be surprised if I started going grey. Luckily I don't have grey hairs right now. But I imagine I will after this is all said and done.

I've been contemplating life without W moving forward, and it makes me sad. Sad that our dreams might never be realized. It was so fun talking with her about our dream house, dreaming about retirement and doing things, vacationing in the Pacific Northwest. All of that stuff is gone, at least for now.

I know I need to try to stay in the present, but how do I not ponder these things? They were such a big part of my life.

I also think one of my problems is denial. I was able to get W back once. So how could I not hold out hope that I can do it again?

But it also keeps me stuck. I think I'm scared of acceptance because then it will mean I am truly detached and there will be no coming back for our relationship.

In the meantime, placing the focus back on me (to the best of my ability).

Just wanting to say whether it feels like it or not every day that we trudge through is getting us closer to being mentally healthy again. Keep trudging.

I wish I had better advice to pass along to you and the others on this forum. I am stumbling myself and wish I could offer more support as you do so graciously to so many. Just know that that shows what kind of a person you are and what kind of H your W is leaving.

Thanks guys, I appreciate it.

Thornton,

Oh, that familiar knot in the stomach....had it for 7 months....can't wait for it to go away. I do suggest one of those special, expensive neck pillows. I swear by mine for my new neck and back pain.

I agree - the focus really has to be on ourselves and our journey to be the person we want to be for ourselves and our future R (with or without WAS). Sometimes, on this roller coaster, I am able to force myself out of a downward spiral. Other times, it is a runaway train.... I am ready to get off the roller coaster and runaway train.

I just stopped by our house to grab some things. I haven't been therein a week, still crashing at my parents in another town.

She hasn't grabbed any more of her stuff and she lives at her moms house 5 minutes away. I know she's been there because she left the Mail on the table.

Why isn't she grabbing her stuff??

I was expecting to come home to a gutted house.

No expectations, no mind reading. I know it is tough. I would take that as a positive, but I wouldn't want to get my hopes up. My H left meaningless stuff in his closet....been 5 months and I pass through it everyday. When he does take that remaining stuff, I will be crushed. So, the moral of the story is we can't understand anything those crazy WAS's are doing. Protect yourself - try not to think about it and continue db'ing....you are doing great. Glad you are at your parents, too. So nice to have family support!