Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Now, the real work begins..Part II

That was a great story and lesson to be learned Thornton. I'm thinking about trying to not over analyze things, especially today.


"So hard to walk this line. I am a little frustrated with myself that I didn't stick to my boundary as well as I could have. I am really going to have to get better about not being his "friend".

broke, I completely agree with what you said above. I'm so upset with myself for not sticking to my communication and DB'ing the way I'm supposed to but I know it takes practice.

Need a little advice:

I got an email from the H saying that on one of the Spring Break weekends he has both children, he is going to take one of the boys skiing for a long weekend and leave the other one with me because he has school on that Monday. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work for me because I am headed out of town for a Girl’s weekend. In the past, I would change plans or drop anything for my kids, so I am assuming H expects me to do this again.

I could’ve sent an email back saying “sorry I will be out of town, please figure it out”. However, I don’t want my S15 to feel like he is a burden, etc. So, I called his best friend’s mother and she is willing to take him for the weekend which S15 will be thrilled with.

Do you think this email sounds okay to send back:

H,
Your plans with S12 sound fine. Unfortunately, I have plans to go out of town that weekend. I have spoken to S15 and the Smith family and they would like to have S15 for that weekend. Please arrange travel for him to get to and from their home.

Thanks


Thoughts? I want to send it back within the hour because he will be picking up kids soon....

Broke, I think it sounds fine... which probably means you need some work on it :-( Here is why I think it sounds fine. It is straight to the point and gets all the relevant information out. Here is why it may need work (and probably why I like it) it is straight business nothing personal just BAM here it is. Maybe, I hope you both have a great time. Or the Smiths are wonderful people. Maybe just add a phrase of fluff???

Wonka always advises me to leave out the fluff. Business-like is good.
Rather than unfortunately, I'd say "However, I have plans..."

TimR and NYGal,

Thank you for your responses. I changed the unfortunately to however and here is the response I received:

Why didn't you tell me? You knew I would take S12 away. I specifically asked you 10 times what happened to other son when we were with the kid on vacation and you refused to address the question. (this is not true - I said we had to come up with the flights and vacation plan and then address it, which is what I was doing)

So, when he arrived to pick up S12 to take to his home for the evening, here's how our conversation went:

Me: I understand your frustration with the weekend of Spring Break.

H: I asked you over and over again about how we were handling things with the other son at home.

Me: I am sorry for the miscommunication. I thought we were talking about during the school week not the weekends.

H: Then, you handle the transportation for him back and forth.

Me: I am sorry but it is my understanding that was your weekend.

H: Fine, I will just get my parents to handle it. (Then he stormed off and got in the car to drive the boys back to his house).

Notes: 1) he is constantly changing his days with the boys and I have been very accommodating almost every time. In fact, I think this is the first time I have said no. Also, this precedent was set in our M when I put the kids before my H, my M and myself.
2) he has a worker that he can hire to drive him to and from this friend's house (it is a 3-hour drive back to our home town). He has done this several times before. Not sure why it is such a problem now.
3) I maintained my calm demeanor the whole time and never got angry.

So, what could I have done better?

Wow Broke that was good. But what does he mean " I specifically asked you 10 times what happened to other son when we were with the kid on vacation and you refused to address the question."

And, then, I just got this text:

H: It's not fair to avoid making a decision and then sticking me with the responsibility. You should've answered my question. And you could've said you have a solution but we needed to work on it together. Shoving it on me isn't right.

Me: I understand why you might feel that way. It was a miscommunication and I thought I had created a viable solution. So, it sounds like you are really feeling frustrated that I asked you to arrange transportation. In the past, your worker was available. If that is not an option this time, we can work it out together.

H: It wasn't a miscommunication, it was no communication.


TimR - I feel like your W has invaded the body of my H to make a big deal out of nothing. It's like your texts from last week. This will be handled. It is no big deal.

It is interesting to see him be the emotional one acting all angry and spiteful.

Is this something that you let sit for awhile and could have addressed sooner? Possibly so S12 could have went too?

You did great. He's being childish; you're being the adult.
Excellent validation and refusal to escalate. He was probably just mad because you have GAL plans and he's wondering what they are!

Broke,

It think you did excellent! It didn't get you the response you wanted (this time) but you validated like a DB champ.

Sometimes no matter what we say, it will always be wrong. This is what happens when the person we are talking to is not happy in their own life and they are projecting their junk onto us.

You could apologized and kissed his a$$ to the moon and back, and I still think he would be pissed off.

You didnt take the bait, great job.