Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Still learning AU Bob

Yes, Bob. It's sad to see. Facebook marriages. Or as they say "I'm forever yours temporarily".

But in the end every generation has their own life, their own experience. We all end up the same. We all have stuff to be grateful for. We all suffer.

My dad once told me that he used to be pained that we were going to destroy ourselves in wars and environmental damage. But he said it didn't bother him as much once he realized, 'so what'? Humans won't be around forever. Everything is fleeting. In the end we have to celebrate what we have, accept that it isn't the way we thought it would be, but that it's still all good.

Well probably did a stupid thing last night.
I was at my daughters house and she started telling me more about whather mothers been up to. How much time her mom has been spending with OM and how dissapointed she was in her.
I got quite upset about it and when i got home, sent W a text saying i was sick of her lies that her daughters are turning against her and said i think we should divorce, im just worn out with it, I know im weak and should not have mentioned the children, but i did it!
She text me today and said ok, and when the 12 months of seperation is up we can talk about it then. I text her back and said I would like to meet before that and that I would like it not to be bitter, and asked if we could meet sooner she said ok.

Well, that's too bad. It can't feel very good to light the bridge on fire and give her every reason to feel she made a good decision in leaving.

You've been itching to do this for a while now, I'm not surprised you have. Do you feel better now that you have 'closure'?

I suggest you reread all of your old posts and our replies. Make notes of what you caught this time around that you didn't the first time. Think about who you want to be and get back to us.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...893#Post2622893


I hope this is your bottom and you turn things around. Time to start doing some hard, hard work. The best way to change how you feel is to become a person different than you've been the last 30 years and 30 days. It's never too late. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

Ok
I think your right. I have hit the bottom. Some people like me need to have this happen so they can start to see clearly.
Up till this point i was in two minds about what I actualy thought I wanted, it was clouding my judgement. I have a lot of well meaning people including my daughters telling me what to do who have no experiance in whats happening, it's very confusing.
I now have a better understanding about why she left and why she is doing the things she is doing now, not that I think all of what she is doing is right, but some of it is being driven by advice from family and friends, I have this problem to, its what led to what I did the other night in the text, i have to accept the blame, it was my decision and I did it, I now regret it. i was warned
At east my GAL is going ok it's the only thing i seem to have got right.
So where to from here, how can i start to repair the damage?

If you were drunk and out of control angry one night and you did something regrettable like shout at your W or throw something at her, and you realized you messed up...would you chase after her and corner her and apologize? Or would you give her some space, sober up, and let the situation deescalate?

That's what you do. The best way to repair the damage is not doing any more. Give her some space. Don't do anything. Anything you do is going to make it worse. Just focus on 'sobering up' and becoming the man you want to be. I suggested rereading your posts with a new perspective and reporting back to us what stood out. The situation will deescalate. Not necessarily that it won't move towards divorce...but with time, IF you become the man you want to be, and your actions align with this consistently, the situation will calm down. When you're in a hole, quit digging.

You don't need to follow through with the D if you regret saying. Just let it pass and forget about it. If she brings it up just say if she wants it she can do it. No reason for you to do all the heavy lifting. Otherwise, IMO, whatever you do to repair it will just make you look weak and unserious. Now would actually be a good time to practice your detachment and GAL like crazy.

Sorry I have not been around for a while. I needed to just zone out for a while and clear my head, after my brain snap!
WAW asked to dinner last night (she paid) and spoke a bit about what happened, i told her straight why I did it. She seemed to accept it.
She started on the want to be friends thing again and said she would like to do things together again, i said nothing and just listened.
Earlier in the day she took me up to the kindergarten she runs and showed me the new farm garden the owners had built, i have had a lot to do with the place over the years and two of my daughters work there, and their children attend so i still have an interest in the place! I looked around and fed the chooks.
I tried to be as pleasent as I could at dinner, and listened to what she had to say.
I am not sure what prompted her to do this, my divorce statement, or an incident she had with OM last week.
She went out clubbing with Collegues from work this included one of my daughters and OM's daughter, who ended up getting drunk and going to hospital to have her stomach pumped, WW told me OM sent her a nasty text blaming them for not looking after her, i was told they tried to get her to leave but she refused.
This would be the first instance of OM showing his true colors.
When WW dropped me home she said to make sure I call her to do stuff, i just said thanks for dinner and I will think about it.
My children are not inviting her to many thing either, and she is feeling left out.
She did say she only wanted friendship and to do things together , but she still did not want a relationship again.
I'm not falling for it, i think shes temp checking and cake eating.
How should i handle it?

Bob, glad you're still posting. I've written a lot lately that I wish I could share. If you could make the time, please read my last 3-4 posts on Inpain's threads. And maybe start with the last post I made on my thread.

By reading my last post on my thread I hope you can understand where she's really at.
After reading my last post on IP's thread I want you to think about which applies to you as well.

I'm always around so will catch up later. Keep posting and hang in.

Hey Zues
I did read the posts. The card one was interesting.
Im not really sure what to read into her actions. Im not really one to invest time into something thats dead. I mean she wants to come watch me when im racing my bicycle, she never wanted to do that when we were together, why now, i dont umderstand it.
I now understand a lot more about the issues she had with me and how it affected her loosing her love for me, and the things i could have done for myself that would have lessened the problems we had. I dont think she has understood the same concept for herself.
I am in two minds about weather i should go down the friends path, i think if its over it should be over and get on with your new life otherwise are you moving on? Or just living in the past, i mean i can still talk to her, but doing things together is that taking it a step too far for a seperated or divorced couple?
It can complicate any new relationship in the future, this is what im struggling with if there is no future to it, should i invest in it?

I think the other thing you guys are trying to
Tell me is that if I really do want to try to see if I can get her to love me again is it is a marathon not a sprint.
She said she wanted to do stuff should I call her and how long should i wait to do it?