Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Ojap's Story

Yes! MC believes that W is wanting S, but will not be the one to ASSERT herself and actually go through with it...b/c that would mean she would be the one 'doing the leaving'....and 'being wrong...again.'

Wife absolutely wants me to either 'be okay' with it...or initiate it (be the one to start working on separate living arrangements, etc.)

She said 'let me go', 'i'm done', probably 6 times each.

Hi Pajo, sounds rough at the moment but I do have some similarities going on here. My W has often said that she is done with no further explanations and always questions why I won't give up and what do I need to have closure etc.
I don't answer these questions, rightly or wrongly, I feel that my W is going through depression but has not seeked help and it's not something I can push her to do.

She is due to leave on Monday but I will tell her that I never wanted her to leave. For me, if she is the one that says she is done then she is the one that needs to leave.

I posted on Sandi's rules thread about this as well, but it seems in these cases you should bypass #10, to confirm if the reason for your spouse's WA is due to an OM/OW? Without knowing the root cause of their "unhappiness" you might be spinning your wheels applying the wrong fix to the problem?

In my case, had I not found my WW's emails, to this day I would still be in the dark and have to accept the "we've grown apart" speech...

I do agree that snooping in general is corrosive to the relationship, but without knowing key facts it is hard for you to diagnose what's wrong, wouldn't you agree?

How does that change your gameplan on getting her back?

Thx for input...

Thornton....Currently I haven't processed it. I'm not certain it can change it a lot. I guess I still need to 180, GAL, etc.

I struggle a bit b/c the intimacy/closeness you feel with sex tends to leave me in a place where I start advancing my expectations. But...my guess is that I need to manage them back to zero. Not expect this to change much.

Bottom line: She IS depressed. She wants to be separated, but can't bring herself to take any action.

Also....it does make me VERY gun shy to bring up my anxiety triggers at MC (Her phone secrecy & spending large amounts of $ without discussion). Still not sure what I'll do with those tomorrow.

Wouldn't the existence of an affair change everything? You'll realize that root cause is not yourself but an OM that is generating the fog for your WW.

My W did the same thing. She wanted me to be the one to end it. I wouldn't do it.

She didn't want the guilt. She eventually left anyway.

CWOL: If there was an OM, then of course it would change my gameplan. Truth is...I've been looking at her emails for months (up until a month ago) with no evidence at all. I've been looking over her shoulder at text messages...trying to check them when I hear her phone. I've driven by work to see if she was where she said she was, etc. I've done this since October of last year. And...I've found no 'hard' evidence. Some minor circumstantial...but nothing concrete...and I've been VERY alert.

I know it's still possible that there is EA/PA...but I can't find any real evidence. Would have install a network sniffer, or hire a PI to go any further.

THORNTON: Yea....in all honesty. Her actions have shown that I believe she is trying to work up her ability to actually leave. To not care what people will say, or what the consequences will be. Basically, it is her love for our 3 girls that is keeping her here. She knows it will absolutely crush them. She doesn't want that guilt.

I'm in the same boat Pajo, my wife is extremely secretive with her phone and has been messaging "her sister" very often. I used to try and look at her phone to see who was calling, I would snoop and listen to her conversations with her sister also without concrete evidence. But a few months ago I decided that it was taking up way too much of my energy and time. I decided that the OM, if there was one, was only a symptom of the problem and would be on her conscience not mine. I wouldn't even bring it up, it's not the source of the problem between you two. Stay strong brother!

Thanks Melo! Going to read up on your sitch later on.

Very good advice. My father pretty much said the same thing. "If she is in an EA/PA...you will know it eventually. But you can't control it either way. Love her because you made a vow to. When truth comes to light, then make decisions"

Trying to live by his, and your words. Anxiety [censored]!!

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I think I will probably address my anxiety triggers (phone secrecy & money issues), but not in the light of an EA/PA...simply as a 'This is moving us further from one another, not closer'

Who knows...may be a bad idea. I'll think on it more...got till 9am EST!