This is what Red said about physical abuse: "Physically no.. Emotionally I feel like he is going to want to fight or put me down..OR want to be friends and hangout and I just don't know what I get to go home to."
There is physical abuse in this, sexual abuse is physical abuse. Took me a long time to acknowledge that an nasty incident of forced oral cop in my sitch was physical abuse.
It concerns me greatly as targets get attuned to this. I certainly did.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V I have been reading up on the abuse and it made me cry. Really cry to have to admit I'm with someone who may not be physically abusive but in many other ways.
Isolation- barely having any friends and they all stopped trying because i never was able to do anything..also being a stay at home mom was so lonely.
Financially- no bank account..not allowed on his account. Only give x amount of money a month. He can buy and spend whatever but when I wanted something we had a we are spending too much money talk. Now I have to almost beg for money for gas and groceries and if I'm allowed to pay my bills such as my kohls card with his debit card.
Defining- his way or the high way is usually how it went
Sexually- If he wanted it I never said no, I could be asleep or sick or tired and he would bug me or pout until I said fiiiine okay. That or before he left the week before he was with holding or saying he was too tired..made me feel awful about myself. Almlst had to beg him to hug me.
Make up sex always after an argument even while separated. Once I even asked him if he gets horny when I cry since he always would have a boner or want sex after I am crying. Same day he told me he really wanted a divorce it was during sex. DURING.
Walking on eggshells.
Feelings dismissed. He would tell me I'm crazy and trying to connect dots but then I found out I'm not crazy. At once point I was on a mood stabalizer since I felt so down and crying and didnt know what I was soing wrong to ruin my marriage.
Monitors me at all times even separated.
Some stalking..sometimes he shows up at my moms or my house or places he knows I am. Hasnt done it lately but he sometimes has done it. Always randomly at times. Always unannounced.
Blaming level 5
Opposing level 5
Denial, lying, forgetting like level 10 can deny and lie to my face while holding me and not even have his heart rate weaver but the truth he has to tell me on the phone such as cheating..or something bad or serious.
Jokes sarcasm teasing level 10 while separated he made a joke about how i might weigh more then him but I'm not stronger then him. It broke my heart. Ive lost 30 lbs since then because it hurt me deep. He said it was a joke. I saw it as he thought I'm fat..even though I had already lost 60plus lbs at the time.
Covert aggressive manipulation level 6.. Its a new thing he has done since being separated.
Withholding level 7
From Red
V
Thank you for pulling together some tidbits, Lady V. Red...is this what has been happening in your sitch? If yes, then I suggest that you contact your state's Domestic Violence coalition for support. Wonderful, gentle and incredibly supportive folks.
I serve on a DV Board and I know this stuff as an ally.
Wonka,V- no..not really okay. I'm at my moms with my kids. All I want to do is find a way to get him to change back to his normal self and come home..and I know I cant and he isnt and I'm just emotional. No amount is 180 or db is going to help me is it??
Today this is a full run down: He called when he was behind me driving super slow.
S3 wokeup from nap said daddy was driving to game store and we call and you no talk. Why you no talk to me mommy? I told him that I was driving silly.
I ignored his calls then..because I was on the phone anyways and driving.
Got his mean text later about not answering his calls.
Answered to have him say I'm so annoyed and angry that Idk why I called.
Came home,he ignored me. Talked to OW and told friends how hot new gf was. Told him not to talk about or too her while in the house. He said fine whatever wont happen again in a douchebag voice and shooed me away.
I went and laid down and pretended to sleep.
When he decided to leave he went into the room and dumped his clothes I didnt fold onto the bed where I'm laying. Found his outfit left a mess all over the bed. He also picked out an extra outfit.
He was walking to the door. Knowing he was leaving a huge mess for me again I snapped.
H: rubbed my arm and said he was leaving and would be back tomorrow.
Me:pick your sh't off the bed
H:oooh someone is pissy. Why are you so pissy? Why are you acting so weird.
Turns on bedroom light, turns on all the lamps and point them at me.
Me:stop its blinding me.
I open my eyes and he is smiling at me doing a retarded dance.
Of course I smile at his silly goofy self.
Which makes me frustrated that he can get me to smile so easily.
Me:get your sh't off the bed
H: its not sh't..i see no sh't ..i see clothes. You want me to pick up my clothes..okay I'll clean my clothes..half amused cleans bed off.
H tosses throw blanket at my face And it lands on my head
Me:really h
H: ooo let me fix that..
Tried tucking me into bed.
I threw the covers off. I got out of bed.
H: so pissy..pissy pants. Why so pissy and tried to poke me.
I walk to Living room
H: i thought you wanted to rest and nap and its why you didnt want to hangout with me
Me:.... Didnt say anything
H: can you get the door for me?
I open the door..follow him outside for mail.
H: any mail?
Me:no
Throw away junk mail. He waits to see if i will hug him.
H: I will be back tomorrow. Leaves for ow house.
No hugging him. Walked opposite direction into house. Shut door. Opened blinds. Sat on couch.
Cried because I just want his stupid self to go away and bring back the old nice him.
Went to my moms and now frustrated and angry.
I miss us. I miss how good it was. I miss my little family. I miss feeling that he loved me. I miss my life.
Please listen and consider the advice that you've been given, especially from Wonka. You are in an abusive situation, i.e., emotional and mental. No one should have to put up w/the bs that you are at this time.
Also, it's time to start a new thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
