Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Rednail: the high road

I really do plan on being on the high road. Come hell or high water I need to not loose myself and stoop to low levels.

I think I'm doing okay today. My kids are fed and taken care of. I am fed and safe. Might turn off my phone just to avoid talking to wah and then he can just leave a voicemail or something. I'm not home to answer that call either.

Is that childish of me? Forwarding all my calls to voicemail for today.

Sounds perfect, Red. You'll want to turn it on later, you know... it happens to all of us in similar situations. You're in the tornado. Hold onto something (your kids, your support network), and realize you're going to get hit by stuff. Just hold on. Laser beam focus on what is good for you, your future, and your kids.

That is good advice, thank you trumpet. I do feel like I'm in a horrible tornado.

I turned my calls to call forwading. If anyone calls I'll get a you have a missed call from x number but I can have the phone on, text, call people back it just makes it seem like it is off.

I will turn off call forwarding when he goes into work around 6. Take a 3 hour mini break to relax with no one bothering me.

Red, if you've never been a planner, now is the time to do a little.

Gameplan your day. You don't work, right? You need to feel like you have a plan for your day, you need to feel that you are worth it - you TOTALLY are. You are loved. You are awesome. You are caring (thus why you're so hurt).

Write a little list in the morning. Easy things - like getting up, getting dressed (don't be a slob - wear something nice, it makes you feel better), if you're Christian pray and read a morning devotion. Plan supper for you and the kids - crock pot meals are great - have those cooking around 11AM or so. Get your finances in order. Don't try to do everything in one day - do insurances one day, do bills (list them) the next, the house/mortgage/rent the next. See what you need to live with.

Clean a room a day. Really clean. You're not doing it for him, you're doing it for yourself. So that you can feel like something has been put back together after the tornado. Maybe make one trip out of the house every day, even for just milk and eggs, or a coffee.

I want you to start working out - just start walking for a half hour a day, if possible. I'm in WI, so it's cold outside. Walk on a treadmill if you have it.

I also want you to find a time you can go to sleep every night. A routine will help you cope with what is going on - you can't control your husband/boyfriend, but you can control many other aspects of your life.

These are difficult things for someone in your situation... I know. Just realize it takes a one-day-at-a-time attitude.

V-

I always really value what you have to say.

Thank you.

Do you think I need to stand up and put an end to sharing the house and let him take the kids?

My views about your WH are unprintable. I certainly think you must cease sharing the house, stay in your home and keep your children. Stand absolutely for the values of M and for your children. You are doing well so far.

Do I need to move on and give up all hope of a R?

Please make no decisions whilst you are emotional.

These are my opinions for you to consider, if your WH married you, had children with you and is cynically only interested in sex with you, it seems to me this is abusive behaviour and it could also be personality driven. That is deeply concerning behaviour and truly uncaring,

I am going to give you the link to the abuse thread so you can examine this for yourself.

I can only give you a view from what I read and what you do is your choice. My advice is not to be triggered by your WH in any way. And to record interactions. It is easy to be triggered to lose your home and to be accused falsely of all sorts of things. Please do not date or even consider it.

If you need to protect yourself then as a defensive strategy only get a non molestation order (OP) against WH and thus to keep him away from you and the house. In his field of work that could be detrimental to his career advancement, let your L deal with this.

From now on my lovely he should have no access to the house any handover with the children should be on neutral territory.

Do not under any circumstances leave your home at this stage not even for for one night.

And document everything he does.

I just need people to tell me really what they think.

I think your husband is behaving abusively and without doubt emotional and verbally abusive at this stage. I call behaviour not the person so I say behaving in this way.

I know even now he has no rush for the D but is it really just about the money..and making sure he is fine as long as possible?

Yes I do and have done so since I started posting to you. One of the reasons I have been one of your supports here encouraging. you to seek an L. All of this has to be your choice as always take my view into consideration.

I think you need IC not MC and fast. Throw every resource you have in supporting you. In the UK I would be telling you to go to victim support if WH continues as I found that very helpful.

Because right now he can afford the life but with a D he is screwed and will be broke.

Absolutely, I think its about control and resources.

I will go read up on mustardseeds stitch as well.

I recommend it. I would particularly like you to read how her WH triggered her reactions and then accused her of being abusive to keep her away from her children, she was a STHM mainly. I wished that I had stated my views more strongly but at the time I didn't know as much as I do now.

Posters were able to help Ancaire to get it together after her crazy town incident triggered by her WH.

I think the A was going on before maybe emotional then he left and it went physical..or maybe it was physical before. I do not know. I just know it hurts.

It really doesn't matter when or how although I know it hurts very much. It has been going on for a long time of that I am sure.

He is a vengeful angry person at times. I have never had to deal with it but seen it with others. Maybe I need to be prepared for the tornado.

That is the reason I am so concerned for you.

Your WH may have access to resources you don't have as a result of his job connections so this time after separation is a very dangerous time for you. Be extra careful sweetheart.

There are three types of abusive behavours the first is systematic abuse which derives from personality, it will have been with him since before you knew him and as long as you were codependent and did as you were required all will be ok. My WH was of this type and i think he had MLC and addictions as well. The second type is situational, change the sitch and the behaviour changes, I think many MLCers are like this (but that's not where my knowledge is). The final type is reactive which is V and her screaming banshee and a little of how you feel.

______________________________

These are my unvarnished opinions and may not be that which you want to hear. I am on the side of caution. It would not feel to me like I was supporting you if I placated you. I want to comfort and support you to be strong, your children need you to be strong. Your future and theirs depends on it.

I am very concerned for you and your children and you need your L by your side immediately. The next few weeks will be crucial in your sitch.

Be careful around a vengeful man, I am fully expecting tricks. This is grief and there will be plenty of time to collapse and fall to pieces later. For now, hold it together and use your strength to stay safe. I think I referred to this in my sitch as my 'steel time', I needed to be strong at core so I put on my suit of armour even though I quivered and shook on the inside and even though every emotion was running riot. Calm, breathe, hold it together, have a great collapse later when there is air and you are through this.

Cards, Close and Chest.

NC is the best strategy. You need a second burner phone too, one strategy that's quite common is for an abuser to destroy phones. On the basis it deletes Intel and recordings. So back up your phone, there is a piece of software called Feem which allows you to transfer from phone to PC and visa versa.Set yourself up with a new email account and email docs to it or use Dropbox. Email is better it gives you an audit trail. You can share the logon details with your L.


Big Big hugs

V

Zelda and V Resource

V

V I have been reading up on the abuse and it made me cry. Really cry to have to admit I'm with someone who may not be physically abusive but in many other ways.

Isolation- barely having any friends and they all stopped trying because i never was able to do anything..also being a stay at home mom was so lonely.

Financially- no bank account..not allowed on his account. Only give x amount of money a month. He can buy and spend whatever but when I wanted something we had a we are spending too much money talk. Now I have to almost beg for money for gas and groceries and if I'm allowed to pay my bills such as my kohls card with his debit card.

Defining- his way or the high way is usually how it went

Sexually- If he wanted it I never said no, I could be asleep or sick or tired and he would bug me or pout until I said fiiiine okay. That or before he left the week before he was with holding or saying he was too tired..made me feel awful about myself. Almlst had to beg him to hug me.

Make up sex always after an argument even while separated. Once I even asked him if he gets horny when I cry since he always would have a boner or want sex after I am crying. Same day he told me he really wanted a divorce it was during sex. DURING.

Walking on eggshells.

Feelings dismissed. He would tell me I'm crazy and trying to connect dots but then I found out I'm not crazy. At once point I was on a mood stabalizer since I felt so down and crying and didnt know what I was soing wrong to ruin my marriage.

Monitors me at all times even separated.

Some stalking..sometimes he shows up at my moms or my house or places he knows I am. Hasnt done it lately but he sometimes has done it. Always randomly at times. Always unannounced.

Blaming level 5

Opposing level 5

Denial, lying, forgetting like level 10 can deny and lie to my face while holding me and not even have his heart rate weaver but the truth he has to tell me on the phone such as cheating..or something bad or serious.

Jokes sarcasm teasing level 10 while separated he made a joke about how i might weigh more then him but I'm not stronger then him. It broke my heart. Ive lost 30 lbs since then because it hurt me deep. He said it was a joke. I saw it as he thought I'm fat..even though I had already lost 60plus lbs at the time.

Covert aggressive manipulation level 6.. Its a new thing he has done since being separated.

Withholding level 7

Red,

Why do you want this man in your life?

Do you think you deserve this?

It appears to me, that he had broken you down with isolation and control mechanisms. Why do you think this is ok?

I am not working but working towards working. Right now without a job, daycare, etc I would only get 520$ a month for both kids!!! He does not know this or he would leave asap. He can easily pay 500$ and walk away happy.

Working, daycare, etc made it go to 975$ minimum for 2 kids.

I am going to try to not leave the house. My L said it is tricky and I also called the local police station. BECAUSE it is in his name, and pays everything, and we are separated but not really fully UNLESS I have paperwork saying that I have SOLE access ( like legal papers) then it gets sticky on if he can or can not kick me out OR legally what should happen. The police said see a lawyer but even then it is a legal sticky situation. I also have no say on if the OW can or can not come into the house legally according to the police. His house and he technically lives there(over 75% of his items are there along with his mail and license being to the house.) so unless I have sole access there isnt much I can do.

So I will state I do not want to leave and try to get him to take the kids elsewhere. If it turns into a fight I most likely will have to leave and figure that out. I hope I have the women balls to stand up to him tomorrow. I'm very much scared of a fight with him over this. It is giving me anxiety. I'm not a fighter.

I need to look up ways for him to trigger me. I know he knows emotionally if he makes me feel loved I'm very calm, happy and believe him. Not anymore.

I will try to have my steel time.

My mom had her preist come pray and bless me with holy water right now.

I have wanted him for 11 years..loved him for 7. I do not want him to control me..I just want him to love me as much as I love him. I do not think I deserve this but it never was like this. BEFORE it was good then he became a corrections officer and changed..and now he is 180 changed. I just want my OLD husband back.