Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Flight's Thread #2

Sandi, still hoping for some help with the questions 2 posts up.

Just an update on my situation. I fit somewhere in between her being wayward and just wanting out. She has some legitimate hurts that I believe she may have left anyway. She had been checking out. Her EA at work didn't last long after I found out, thought I think the fantasy still exists that that is a better option as soon as she is "free".

So I am not sure if my DB should be 180, LRT or just drop the rope. I know that some of our interactions have made her feel controlled. For example at the last minute letting her have the child so I could go out. She reckoned I did that so she wouldn't get up to anything.

I felt glimmers at different points during this 11 month ordeal, but she really seems "done". She says we should separate physically as soon as the holidays are over. She only talks to me or relates to me when she has to and has made every effort to have her own life and says we can stay living together if we lead "completely separate lives" and just co-parent.

On the one hand, I think she just feels trapped and wants freedom and if she felt that with me dropping the rope, it might be something that could makea difference. But other times I think I just let her get accustomed to things slowly enough that I could be the next savior and she wouldn't want to come back to the marriage. We can talk on occasion and even laugh, but she does not want to have any interaction if she can help it and acts like if we hug for a holiday, it is the most disgusting thing ever.

Every memory we ever had now has a negative connotation and she talks in the most extreme terms that "it is over", "I gave you time to catch up and you just keep thinking I will change my mind. I will never want to reconcile!". "You have hurt me too much". "I don't love you anymore". "I can't imagine ever wanting you to touch me again". And she lists all the reasons why I am just not the right person for her and finds something negative in every memory we ever had. She says I keep her trapped out of spite and that she is glad I have grown and that I might have a happy relationship with someone else someday.

I started to drop the rope, but with the holidays and some very pleasant family interactions here at home, I softened. I am still going to proceed with separation papers and figure out living arrangements, But I guess I still have that unrealistic? hope.

The short answer is, "yes" it was me coming to the board. The DBing board was my counselor, friend, teacher, & cheerleader. I learned more about how an A affects the LBH from those who were here at that time, than I learned from my H. When my H refused to go with me to MC, I knew it was going to be left up to me to do the work, b/c he told me he had done nothing wrong! The only action he did that helped was to stop emotionally pressuring me and gave me breathing room.

I learned later that my A had taken much more toll on him than I realized. His health took a hard hit and has not been good ever since.

That is an example of why it would be impossible to stay under the same roof and think the two of you could have separate lives. Why would anyone want to live in that kind of hell?

I have seen couples physically separate and then later reconcile the MR, but I can't remember anyone on the board who stayed under the same roof.....saying they were S..........and then reconciling. Maybe there was and I just can't remember it. I think being S under the same roof is bad. It is a slow, tortuous death. every time the WW lays eyes on the H, she just detests him more. I say, get out of her way and let her learn reality on her own. I garantee you, I would not stick around anyone who did not love me, hoping they would change their mind. Seems to me a person would lose most of their dignity by subjecting themselves to that daily environment. However, that is just my own opinion. I think there is more hope if the couple goes to separate housing, and she goes through the WW sh't faster.

I agree with Sandi on this one, even though it is hard as hell. I kicked her out as soon as I knew and wouldn't have it any other way.

Hi Flight,

Real glad to see you posting. I can see the hurt in your posts. The tenor has shifted in your posts the past month or so. You were really upbeat when you were posting in my thread about a while back. Try to keep a PMA going my friend. Things will get better.

After reading lots of different peoples stories on here, I guess I have to consider myself lucky in a way. My wife left as soon as she possibly could and, to be honest, it was probably for the best. I don't if that is the death knoll for us or not but I cannot imagine living through an in house separation, seems terrible. Even the few weeks we were here together were tough. I admire you for being able to do it for so long.

I remember, similar to your hug story, the night of BD. I went to give my wife a kiss good night. Like your wife, she acted like it was the worst possible thing. So lesson learned, never did that again in the short time she remained living with me. My wife also said something along the lines of I don't think I could ever by physical with you again. That really bothered me for a bit, I was like how is that possible? But.... it is important to remember to believe nothing of what they say right? What they are saying is true in that moment of time but that moment of time only. That is how I think of it. I have no clue what she thinks now, but I don't worry about it.

What does she say you did to hurt her?

Anyway, just wanted to give you some support. Keep your head up.

That ^^^!

We never explicitly said we were separating, but that is what we tacitly are right now - separated, under the same roof. I am stuck in the home by necessity until we can work out custody and parenting time. It sets a terrible example for the children to see their parents with almost zero communication. If anything, it is driving us further apart. I still try to be the best dad that I can be, but it is taking a huge toll on me. Even worse, it further enhances my STBXWs cake-eating. She can continue to maintain her reputation in the community as the dutiful mother and homemaker, and not experience any consequences of her wayward relationship. It is bad bad bad.

Keep your chin up, dude.

RAI

Well, got through Christmas and New Years. Got home a little early on NYE and she was home. I thought for sure she would go out. In any case, I asked her if she wanted to watch the ball drop with me and she said no and went into her room. So sad we can't even enjoy a moment like that together. I can't tell if she just doesn't want to lead me on or if being in the same room makes her upset. I know she feels I control her and am keeping her from her freedom since she says she wants out, but getting to that point takes time. I still am not sure if I DB by being loving from a distance or turning the tables and dumping her.

I think the hardes parts of the glimmers of hope. And they could be nothing but my misinterpretation. It is little things she does. So she is pretty cold overall, but then initiates a conversation to say she read something or that she watch a program I taped months ago about divorce. Like she is questioning herself. Either that, or looking for more evidence to bolster her position!

In any case, I have some freinds and family saying, enough is enough. Do you really want to be with someone capable of treating you like she did? And other saying, if you love her, it could win out. Don't give up.

I will spend more time on GAL and being gone a lot. I will try to be more the dumper than the dumpee the rest of January.

I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.

She wanted to talk about the separation. She said I was dragging things on and really didn't want to have anything to do with me. We could stay in the house and lead completely separate lives or sell the house. She says she can't trust me with her feelings. A year of this. It just seems to be getting worse. Not sure which part of DB'ing I should be doing.

Hope this helps others, I have to say I’ve had my eyes opened.

I didn’t take on Sandi’s advice at first because it contradicted the advice of the BD coach. I’m actually quite disappointed that I spent the time and money following that path when I see now how it wasn’t going to help. No point being remorseful, down the road I may change my tune as there were a few positive morsels.

The DB coach advised to focus on the friendship, keep it a safe and secure place for my W so that when there was a hiccup with the W’s OM that she would see the value in me, to basically wait it out. The way I see it now the only benefit of that approach was that it did give her one last morsel of how good the friendship can be and how much she will be missing out on. It may have potentially overwrote the previous last taste of bitter fighting over the affair exposure.

But now I’ve taken Sandi’s advice and no longer let her eat cake. I’ve detached, laid down the rules (for both of us) and I’m focused purely on me. Co-parents only, not friends, business only. I’m good with moving on and would only have her back if there were drastic changes in her and considerable time. Continuing down the friendship path would only do exactly as described, it would allow her to stay in limbo with all her needs being met by two men and destroy me.
The big realization for me was that to be friends with her I had to swallow my pride and self-respect. How on earth can you work on being a better you if you are in a constant state of basically disrespecting yourself? Also, by being in proximity it left me open and vulnerable to the next hurt, and I never knew where the next punch was coming from (figuratively) so I was always unstable. Same premise for not snooping.

The effects of truly deciding to detach were immediate. I felt safer, truer to myself and more in control of my life. Like the other nice guys I was worried about her retaliation and running further to the OM. There was immediate retaliation, personal attacks and blame shifting that had not been present over the last few weeks. Funny how true colors come out when the selfish child no longer is getting what they want. Within a day she was pursuing me, constant messages, getting upset when I didn’t answer, wanting to know where I was and what I was doing. By not giving in, it threw her into a rage and again came the attacks on me, how I was handling things and what a jerk I was. Keeping my cool and being warm yet distant drives her nuts. It doesn’t validate her reasoning. She’s now withdrawn for a bit but I fully expect another wave of tests in the very near future. It’s much easier to handle when you know its coming and you’ve established clear boundaries and rules for yourself. The most important part is that I don’t care. I don’t delight in seeing her this way, I don’t look at it as a sign that this is the path to things improving, it is now irrelevant to me. It doesn’t mean I have written off the possibility of the marriage being renewed, I’m just living in the reality that right now it is no longer.

I’m not sure how one easily gets to the point of not trying to constantly read and interpret your S, but I do realize that I’m there now and that it is critical for yourself.

I certainly enjoy listening to “The Struts: Could Have Been Me” these days. Seems to resonate, maybe it will help others too.

Thanks Sandi, and everyone else for all you’ve done here.