Your sense of humor is officially still there :-)! I think it helps to know what 180's you want to put in place to get stronger and get you up and moving. I think you have come a long way in a short time to knowing what you don't like and what you want to change about yourself. That is very positive! Don't be too hard on yourself because you are still early in the process. I feel like I finally had a breakthrough last week - truly putting myself under the microscope and seeing what I needed to change and I am 7 months from the bomb drop! My best advice is to try to do one thing daily to move yourself forward to your goals and 180's. I feel like I get even more sad if I look back at my day and didn't do anything at all. Then, it is a hard cycle of sadness to break. So, what can you do today to GAL, work towards a 180 or accomplish even a small goal (like start working out again)?
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Do me a favor then, get to the gym today. I am sure it will be hard to get out the door, hard to make the drive, and even harder to start the work out. But it will be a little easier tomorrow and a little more easy the day after that. You can do it, and I am sending strength to you.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
But if you search yourself there must be something that interests you outside the relationship, whether it is a sport, hobby, art or music. What were you into before your R?
This is funny b/c I don't want to go back to the way I used to live before I met H. Life was pretty tough for me then, and H came and it was like the sun finally shined big and brightly and I could conquer the world and reach all of my goals. Lol, this sounds so bad and codependent, I know and trust me, I'm working on it. H doesn't define my happiness, I do!
But anyway, Thornton, saying all of that to say, I'm looking at this as a chance to redefine the older, more mature me that has been through some crap and has no reason to fake the funk any longer with anyone about anything. H introduced me to alot of things and a way of life that I don't think I can imagine my life without anymore. So I'm finding ways to tweak those things to make them my own while infusing a little bit of the old me pre-H back into the mix. Part of that, I don't think I've ever lost - I've always been pretty funny and it sounds like you are too ;-).
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
I hear you. WAW taught me lots of new things too and opened my eyes to culture, music, and the arts.
Growth is painful ain't it? But it's necessary. I resist it as much as I can but I'm slowly surrendering to what will be.
I hate FEAR. And I feel fear when I don't know what the future holds. Ive had some traumatic things happen in my life so I can be a bit of a pessimist.
I'm trying to convince myself that the worst has already happened. What can be worse that this? And if this is the worst of it, what else is there to fear?
I'm trying to convince myself that the worst has already happened. What can be worse that this? And if this is the worst of it, what else is there to fear?
I'm tired of it though. I want to change. I wanted to change last time too. I thought I was taking the right steps but apparently I failed.
Everything DB teaches makes perfect sense to me, logically. When I think about it, it's a no brainer.
Applying it is where I fail.
As you know, fear is my biggest enemy. It always has been since I was a kid. That's why I read what you wrote me over and over and over again hoping that it will stick.
Logically, it doesn't make sense why I let her or our R define me. I thought I was loving her. I always thought of myself as a provider. Someone to protect the family. The family guy. Provide a good example for the kids. Teach them right from wrong. Bolster their self esteem. Put my family before myself. That was the definition of Thornton.
And it all comes so naturally for me that I don't realize that I'm abandoning myself. Who's taking care of Thorn? Certainly not me. I'm too busy taking care of everyone else.
But there's a pride in doing that stuff, Mach. I feel good about myself when I know I'm taking care of Waw and the kids.
But there's a pride in doing that stuff, Mach. I feel good about myself when I know I'm taking care of Waw and the kids.
This is what a lot of married men do when they enter a committed relationship that harkens back to the 'cave man' times. The hard-wired DNA need to provide for and protect your flock.
Your self worth isn't tied to your progeny or how well you provide for W. Can you feel good taking care of yourself by yourself? I think this is what Mach is essentially driving at here, my friend.
