It's so clear to me when I read other people's posts...
Your spouse is behaving like a .... Why do you even want them back? It won't work unless they truly are remorseful and desperately want back. Even then there is a good chance it won't work because for them to do what they did, there is something seriously wrong,
They will never want back until you have moved on. In their hearts, they know when you truly have moved on. Your wasting time by not moving on and delaying things.
My only problem is I truly don't know how to move on unless there is other person in my picture. I like the comradeship and the bonding and intimacy. What does that say about me? That I am needy and unhappy with just myself? I am surviving by myself for long time now.
It's so clear to me when I read other people's posts...
Your spouse is behaving like a .... Why do you even want them back? It won't work unless they truly are remorseful and desperately want back. Even then there is a good chance it won't work because for them to do what they did, there is something seriously wrong,
They will never want back until you have moved on. In their hearts, they know when you truly have moved on. Your wasting time by not moving on and delaying things.
My only problem is I truly don't know how to move on unless there is other person in my picture. I like the comradeship and the bonding and intimacy. What does that say about me? That I am needy and unhappy with just myself? I am surviving by myself for long time now.
Instead of "moving on" figure out how to "move forward" How do you become a person only a fool would leave?
We all want companionship and intimacy, but loving or needing someone else shouldn't be about "filling us up" but about adding to your already great life. I would recommend taking a look at Thornton's thread right now. His WAS moved all of her things out and he is feeling very low. He is getting a lot of great advice about finding out what he likes about himself and who he wants to be before he can be in any type of relationship.
I want to encourage you to find some things to GAL and write down some goals and 180's. I know that our situations totally stink write now and it is incredibly difficult to move forward when you just want some resolution about your M. But, our WAHs are a mess and very confused. I have realized that I have absolutely no hope if I push him and make him talk. I also have no hope if I don't change who I am and show him that the person that he drifted away from isn't really the person that I am or want to be. Who do you want to be? Who is the real JujuB?
Changing who I am and becoming a more improved version of "me" may not get me my M back. But, it will get ME back. I don't really like the version my H left either. And, I want to be prepared for my next relationship - I am hoping for a second chance with my H. But, if it isn't to be, then I don't want to make the same mistakes again.
Start thinking about who you want to be....I am sure you are an interesting and unique person without your spouse.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
1. I am going to let husband inititiate everything. No more pursuing no more relationship talks. I can monitor his behavior based on this and decide in a month what direction I am headed for. If I look at it by the month it is easier for me to get through. I will post weekly about how I did on this area.
2. Return to exercise. Get in best shape possible. (Currently very frusturated with this as I have been sick kids have been sick and off school for break so very limited)but will have to return. I feel good when I exercise.
3. Considering expanding into new area of work if it is even possible with my schedule. . Advantage of this is I earn more money, broaden my skill set, and it will give me something to focus my mind on. I was planning on doing this for a while. Disadvantage is it is not in my best legal interest. Any opinions on this????( It might not even be a real possibility because of my availability)
4. Find a IC or family counselor or divorce support group.
5. Schedule playdates with kids with my friends or other parents instead of my family. I am so happy weather will be improving. This will make my life so much better because I love outdoor stuff with the kids.
6. Socialize without kids. I am invited for st Patrick's day bar hopping...this is nothing I really like. I am a bit too old for it and I do not drink beer but will go just to have the social interaction. There will be single guys that are younger, and I do get attention so this does feel good..but obviously I would never act on this. I guess it's a bit of a confidence booster and incentive to look nice.
6. Go to bed earlier!!!! I wake up in middle of night, but if I sleep earlier I will get more sleep time. This is really a must. I stay awake late because sometimes it is the only time I have to myself.
GAL is a problem. I have small kids and very limited opportunities. I have to choose between counseling, a meet up group, exercise, etc. My upcoming weekends without kids involve work related stuff, so while I am busy I am not getting the social interaction that I would like. Social interaction helps me a lot so while I know how much this would help it's really difficult.
Juju, the advice you have received is right on target and I should be taking it myself. I have come to the conclusion that I am incapable of really and truly detaching. I can get it for a few days, even once for an amazing few weeks. But it comes back. I think if H really "left" as in filed I could detach. Not what I want. Wish I had an answer for you, but take comfort that you are not the only one.
Fo, yes. If my husband told me a definitive " I want a divorce" or if there was OW or if he told me he does not want to work on reconciliation I would be able to move forward.
He does not know what he wants it appears. Or perhaps he is stringing me along because he wants divorce but he is too busy with work to handle it. The more I think about it, the more that is making sense to me.
He won't tell me and his communication is indirect. Yes I am sure he is confused but what he is doing is so unfair to me. I am a person too and I would not and have never done this to someone. I know you and I are in similar positions regarding what we want to do and how we feel about husband.
If I was reading these posts I would want to bow down to the person that said " he don't know what he wants? After 14 years and kids? F him. I'm moving on and not looking back" and you know what's funny? That's the person that has the spouse chasing them.
Why can't I do that? His actions are not right. I know that intellectually. I think I need therapy to move on.
What I am not sure of is if my actions as a wife were so bad, that perhaps I do deserve this. That is what I beleive, is keeping me here. I think of the things I did wrong. Even though they were so long ago.
We put the WAS on a pedestal and instantly forget all the sh!tty things they've done.
I actually had my best friend remind me of all the things I had complained about WAW. It was like I had amnesia. I could only remember all the good things, times, and endearing moments.
And then I blamed myself for all the crap I did to ruin our relationship. It's awful. But logically we know that we aren't solely responsible for the break up. But when you have the WAS up on that pedestal, it is really hard to not blame ourselves.
Fo, you see I am not a masochist. There is a big part of me that often wants to say..
"I am unhappy with the situation right now. I don't want this for myself. In life I want a husband, a family, and intimacy. That's OK if you don't want this but I do. Therefore I am going to file because you backed out of this committtment. If things change in the future maybe we can reconsider. But right now this is not healthy for me"
I am talking to my dB coach next week. I know any IC coach like any family member and any friend would advise this.
I am very confused. Me waiting has financial implications as well as mental ones.
Would love people's advise regarding my post above regarding work.
Instead of "moving on" figure out how to "move forward" How do you become a person only a fool would leave?
I Really do not know the answer to this.
I feel like I'm just trying to get through day to day life and raise my kids well and that I am drained and exhausted. I am nice to other people. I am a good mother. I do well in my job. I have been very tired and sad lately. Not much fun.
