Rouky, thank you. It's funny you said that about husband DBing himself. He is naturally good at that...he consumes himself with work and friends, never pursues, and never initiates. Limbo is hard, because I don't have answers or direction and therefore my moods are all over the place. Do I have hope or do I resort to anger so perhaps I can convince myself this is for the best. Villify him so rejection hurts less? Am I villifying or was I right that he was unfair? Am I better off? I just don't know how to feel anymore. I never did.
Mutatio, that sentence describes me to the t. I have always had anxiety. That is probably why I am here. DB coach once said to me, something like positivity begets positivity and fear will drain me.
Grlonfr: I guess I have no choice and have to accept that I will be fine regardless. During our meeting, I am just going to let him lead. I will try to smile and be friendly. I am going to mostly listen and Definatly not voice my complaints. I will reread Some of the offered validation statements.
Thanks for asking. Still sick, but slowly getting better.
I am really wondering about what direction husband and my conversation will go in.
He might say he wants to proceed with divorce. If that's the case, I will tell myself that I can just move on and get my life moving forward in that direction. I will have to mourn. Deal with all the legal issues. Then I would have to tell people at work. Get some type of counseling for kids. I will exercise like a mad woman, and eventually start dating.I will be very embarassed to tell people at work. I just don't want to be pitied. (I had a few losses and health issues past few years). Once I figure out legal issues, I can make a game plan. Join a divorce group. At least I will know and put myself in a certain mindset.
There is a good possibility that this is what will happen, as husband has not made much of an effort regarding reconciliation. If he wanted to reconcile. If he truly did, he would call me and talk to me. Arrange dates with me. Request counseling. He has made no effort. His job is more important to him. He went over 2 weeks without seeing kids.
If husband wants to reconcile, then we will have to figure out way to reconnect. I will listen and validate. Come up with plans for counseling and Retrovaille. Take things very slow. I do not want either of us to make or succumb to demands.
I am really hoping that husband does not continue to evade the decision.
I always have a choice though so I am not powerless.
Was talking to friend. She thinks if we get back together it won't be forever. That we will end up divorced but later on.
She said she thinks if he does end up wanting reconciliation, it will only be because of finances and because it's the right thing to do. Not because he really wants me back because if he did he would have made an effort to see me. That if you truly love and miss someone, you want to be around them.
I get that totally. Truth is, I don't have much love for him right now either. I want to reconcile because I don't want to lose time with kids. I am fearful of moving forward. I am fearful of effect on kids. But I am also fearful of being in a loveless marriage.
I want to be loved and valued again. I don't know if husband is capable of that anymore. At one time he truly did though.
Like you I don't have much love for mind either as all this is down the situation we are in. When I read your post what strikes me is the word FEAR.
What are you afraid of?
You can't cope on your own? You are already doing it and very well. Your kids must be proud to have such a great mum.
You being single? Sorry to bash it, unfortunately we both are, so no need to fear this as you are coping well. We all have ups and downs, and tomorrow is another day :-)! Have faith in God. Strange for me to say that as I'm a believer, unfortunately not a strong one until my situation!
Fear of not being loved? You are loved by your kids, your family and all of us here. I fully understand that you want someone to love you, although if you don't love yourself who will?
Fear of being in a loveless marriage? Weren't we in one of them as we are here? We all have our faults, and I truly understand the meaning of being patient, look after yourself and become the better you! We have had our back against the wall, we need to do the work on us. We have reached rock bottom, our H haven't and we can't change that.
For your H putting work before kids, mine is doing it right now! Don't be fooled by it as your kids will always know that you have always been there for them. In your H case, I see it as a way to avoid dealing with the situation. That's what mine told me, for him working stopped him from thinking, being involved in an A was his way to distract himself from the real issues. We are dealing with it now, they stent and keep avoiding it until one day the pain will be too hard to hide and they will need to face the music. By then we probably won't be around as we would have done all the hard work now, and leading a happier life.
Keep faith and be strong. You are coping well everyday.
JujuB your last two posts and Rouky your last post are exactly where I am in my marriage. My wife would divorce me today if it wasn't for the haircut she'll take financially and she has said so. You are not alone JujuB. I am working on myself and planning my life without her. I hope each day she reconsiders her path. With each passing day I fear she feels she has has made it worse and there's no turning back. Your not alone JujuB, sadly your surrounded by many just like you. Be strong
I recently watched a TED talk that was recommended by Painter by Dan Gilbert on the surprising science of happiness.
Painter, do you think WAS will be less happy because they made the choice to leave And will always have doubt versus the LBS who will create synthetic happiness based on what they are left with?
I kind of find that in my responses... If my husband leaves, I will move forward if he stays I will work on marriage. Its funny, I get that instinctually which is why I find limbo so uncomfortable. LBS does have to deal with the rejection though but perhaps that is easier then being the final decision maker.
Truth be said, i secretly want husband to be miserable and regretful one day for making this decision. I guess it's due to my pride and feeling of rejection.
Rouky, I feel like your post is very insightful and reminded me that I already hit rock bottom regarding marriage and husband. There really is nothing left to fear except perhaps the legal process.
Went out with husband on our first "date". We had very neutral conversation. Just catching up. He dressed nice so that was good sign. Of course I am bad at DBing so I asked for talk after the dinner. We had agreed to do so a few weeks ago.
Basically husband wants more space. He said that he cannot handle drama and fighting and marital stress. He said that he is incapable of multi tasking. That he takes a long time to complete things and cannot leave thing incomplete. (He has ocd). He said he cannot think about us until he figures out career. That his main goal is to be provider. That he needs to be providing for kids. (This makes no sense to me as he also wants to be separated and not see kids)
I asked him if he is happier now that he left and he said he no he is miserable.
He is very unhappy in his job. That he is earning a lot less then everyone he knows. (He is very ambitious and went to prestigous schools, earned top grades, almost valedictorian in very large HS) That he has been doing work way above his title and not being compensated. This is very true. His depression started when his company was aquired by other company and he was given more responsibilities but salary and benefit decreases. He has been at this job from the start of his career. I made a lot of demands because I was frusturated by the workaholism....
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
He said that we do not get along. that I am not ambitious enough for him and not domestic enough for him. That it is not ultimatum, but a fact that I would either have to be super housewife or return to work full time. He said that he cannot come home from working full time and have to do everything. (He is right that I would need to increase my income now that kids are older and be more organized at home)
But he has also totally rewritten history on this. He forgets that before his company was bought over he was coming home and watching movies and playing video games at night to unwind and that he was waking up at 12 to go to work because he had flex hours. I was working part time and taking care of the kids which was not easy.
I asked him what he is looking for and he admitted someone like his mom (some of you might remember when I discussed what his mother did and why) he said that I am not like that and unable to meet his needs and he understands I am not that way and that he is not able to meet my needs of emotional and physical affection. And he is not that way and not a communicator.
He said he does not want either of us to compromise on our happiness. He feels that he compromised for so long in our relationship and was very unhappy.
He said he cannot see us getting along. I believe he said he would be willing to go to counseling and work on friendship because it would be beneficial for kids.
Regarding being a provider and putting so much time into work, I asked him (not in a threatening way) if he realizes that he is rejecting family to be a provider for them. That by divorcing eventually his kids will have new dad taking care of them and his wife will have other husband. What will be the purpose of providing? He said he thought of that.
I basically left the conversation feeling very bad for him. I feel sad and hopeless and not sure what to make of it. There is indefinite time limit on something that he does not seem to want to make work.
He said for all purposes we are divorced now. He said he wants no emotional connection with women right now.
I did not ask him about physical intimacy with other people, but will. If he said for all purposes we are divorced, does this mean he is having or has had physical relations? I know that he could lie based on semantics and I need to clarify this with him.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
He also did not say he wants divorce. He is basically saying he cannot make decison until he figures out career????? That he could change career and stay in area so he doesn't have to move away from kids or that he could move away and earn more and have lower cost of living. His decision regarding career has been ongoing for about 3 years.
He had an easier time leaving me and kids then his job.
How could he make a decision on career without having made a decision on family and divorce. Or can he just not say the words to me?
What do I do now? This is indefinite with huge red flags that he just does not want family. There is a lot of diagnosed mental illness in his family.
Or am i just refusing to see my role. Most people could have worked through our problems though. This is just so messed up.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
