Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife wants to leave but still at home 2

Thanks NYGal, I understand the process and am doing my best to let it wash over me. I know that there is anger and resentment mad some have said frustration among other things in her own head...
I know I have made good progress in re-finding myself that had got lost along the way and I need to keep doing it for me and my kids. I did have a hard day today with the thought of missing my kids half the time. Was out with them last night for supper and hearing them tell me they will miss me when they don't see me was heart breaking.

Si_07...so sorry for your struggle.

Your last words just ripped my heart out. Can't imagine my little girls saying those words (though it may be a reality in near future). Know that my heart/prayers go out to you...

Keep at it! You're not alone!!

Thanks Pajo, sorry for your struggles also.

So events from yesterday. First she calls me at work to find out when I'll be home, once the kids were in bed, she asked about the course I'm on this week. I then sat at the table for an hour expecting her to want to talk about what she can pack and what we need to separate out as she had complained the other night of there not being time to 'schedule' talks. She never came out of her room once, I'm not talking in while standing in her doorway.

I think the biggest thing to work on...is not letting the WW (WAW) actions control and steer ours (LBH). Thought a lot about that last night.

In regards to 'conversations' and figuring out who will take what at separation...maybe look at what 'you' want?

List it out....you prepare exactly what is going to best for you...what you truly believe is fair. You simply be proactive so that no part of the conversation is a surprise. Then...whenever/whatever is said by WAW...it really won't steer or control how you respond...b/c you were proactive.

Just my $.02

Thanks Pajo, that is the direction I have been going with things and will do more of it tonight. I have been the one that has been proactive and then waited to see the reactions of late... I am planning on sitting down and making my own list, something that when it is agreed on will be signed by her as I will not be able to be at the house when she is due to leave...

Si,

Rough stuff, buddy. The guilt you feel for your kids is so hard. I know that feeling all too well.

The only thing you have control over is how you parent them when you are with them. Stay engaged. Although you are in a lot of pain, they need their dad to be solid for them.

Keep talking with them and validate their feelings when they do talk. That will help them process their feelings and also keep the bond between you.

Hang in there.

Thanks Thornton, that again is what I'm trying to do most of all. I have kept my pain away from them as much as possible and do what I can to make them laugh as much as possible.

I don't get the impression my W really knows what she wants right now, she is lazy and wants help with almost everything. She wants to go live on her own but couldn't/can't even look after the paperwork for the house for one month... I did a climbing wall course last week and met another family. Just got invited to meet them this weekend to climb. (An interest my W says she has but never does) I will probably take the kids for that.

It's amazing as well how many times we hear the words hang in there. Her family say it to me all the time... I ask them, what am I hanging in there for? They have no answer....

When I think of 'hanging in there'...I have to internalize for myself and my girls. Not for my W or for our MR.

I want to 'hang in there' because I want to know, in the pit of my soul, that IF this does not work out...that I will have left everything on the field. That I did everything in my power to rescue the family unit. I want to be able to look my 3 girls in the eye when they ask the tough questions later in life and tell them I 'gave it all'.

This is not to say that I will be a doormat, that I will allow disrespect or negativity to rule. But I will be longsuffering and patient until it is clear that no way forward is available for our MR.

So...decide what you will give. Decide what it will mean for you to be able to lay your head on your pillow at night and have peace that you 'hung in there' and did what was within your power to do. For in the end...that is all you will be held responsible for.

Thoughts and Prayers Si_07

Some people mean it as encouragement and some just don't what to say. When my mother had a stroke, so many people would tell her, "It's going to get better". I noticed it but just took it as their way of trying to help her feel more positive. One day she complained about it, and I realized she wasn't taking it very positively.

I believe when we are struggling with something very serious and we begin to hear the same statement coming from people......almost as if it's an afterthought.....we can be a little sensitive to it. Where I live, when we greet anyone, the next thing out of our mouth is, "How are you"? Recently, I lost my D, and on visitation night (customary where I live) there was a very long line of people who came to show their respect...which meant so much to me. Guess what most of them said as they approached me? "How are you"? I could have replied with, "How do you think I am"? But I've been through enough life, I suppose, and had seen this happen many times. I knew that they were saying it more out of habit or really didn't know what to say. And, most would offer their condolences immediately afterwards. I'm not telling you this to shine the light on myself, but just passing on how I have observed and personally experienced how we all say things occasionally that could be taken the wrong way by the person who is suffering.

So, hang in there.

(Couldn't resist).