As I said I JUST discovered this and ofcourse there was that mind-numbing rush of anger/hurt .... then I began to process it. Strange .... I was suprised but not suprised if that makes any sense, and now all the D drops/monster/bashing and comments made are more clear now. We got into it a bit Saturday like she was looking for a fight so we had it out, but the fights seemed to dress R issues so I would play along thinking she was working things out.
I feel she never truly bottomed out, was like she dipped and felt me really letting go last year ... which I was ... and recoiled hard to get me back where she left me. I thought about it Sunday, she had me back home and it just felt like she was slipping back in .... reading alot I just could not tell if it was withdrawl or replay as to my knowledge there was no OM .... over the past month or so I looked a bit, figured out she still had the 2nd phone ... she lied about that ... but still time wise she was pretty much here. All till the past few weeks .... who knows how long OM has been back in the picture and I do not expect an answer I would trust at this point, nor does it matter. The other thing is I felt deep down I would have to move out by May ... she was still far to secretive and withdrawn and I have hit a point where I was not shy with how I felt (Falling on deaf ears in hind sight) .... I did not want to live in a M as we have had since October... and the verbal abuse has left some marks .... hurtful things she has said over the past couple months are going to take me some time to get over.
I am strangely at peace ... all the work I have done to this point and just knowing this was possible I guess has prepared me. I can not afford to move out right now, so I called my mother, did something I have never done before .... and asked for a loan as I told her why/what happened. So she is mailing me a check (to my work) and I will move out once I find a suitable place for my son and I. As far as the dog .... I am not sure I will be able to take him and it hurts, he is old/blind and so attached to me, but we will see what happens there. I hope to be out by this weekend provided I can find a place.
So as far as the sitch .... she found my note ... ofcourse that was followed with the text barrage, the "How dare you snoop through my stuff" even some good ones to laugh at ... "Im sorry it happened this way, maybe one day you will understand what love is" .... "Im someone with needs , something you failed at" (This falls in line with how amazing OM is in bed ..... something I have been made well aware of ... more hurtful spew so she can feel better about her choice). Apparently she said she told S9 about OM and how she feels about him, and that D is happening. Epic parenting moment there I am sure she wanted to do some damage control. She has been better with him, I will give her that .. hopefully that does not fall off aswell .. time will tell. For the most part I just let her blow the phone up, even told her there was no need to rehash it as I was done. I did truth dart her when she was letting me know about "true love' reminding her OM cheated on his wife and her ... hence the gift of herpes ... but Love must be blind deaf and dumb I suppose.
I came home ... grabbed my phone charger, hugged S and told him I would see him in the morning. I could tell he was upset but not like I could really talk with W hovering around. I then let her blow my phone up some more without replying and went to watch DeadPool ... was actually a nice break and I enjoyed the movie.
I guess now I am just confused. Not about what I need to do ..dropping rope and moving out and on. But I walked the Dog and really am not sure what God is wanting from me. For those new, I was not a religious person so much before BD, the old saying you how He is found in Foxholes applies to me, I hit rock bottom, I was broken and recall vividly over 2 years ago I got on my knees and prayed/cired and asked for help. Slowly and surely He delivered. I went through RCIA and became Catholic knowing my M is the only one the church recognizes and I was/am ok with that. His plan and whatever He wants from me I am good with. But I did question him a bit tonight.... why .. why put me through this past year... I accepted D and then Whamm ... she seemed to have a change in heart and attempted to reconnect/reconile ... and poof like it came it was gone. I get she was not ready, and possibly there is just to much damage. I mean what I seen today ,.,,,, this is not her, never ... and the fact I seen it, left it up on her Mac with the note (Do not worry S would not have seen it) ... if she ever wakes she will cringe ... hell I am embarrassed for her. I have not posted things she said because I was embarrassed for her ... I have not told anyone the TRUE story as I am embarrassed for her.
ok .. end rant. As I said .. who knows what happens here but I am getting away from this for my own sanity, I am not sure what/where God is directing me to go but I can not stay here.
Oh Cali, I'm sorry to read that. - ugh. But I am pleased with how you sound and I know you will do the best thing for yourself and your S - and you will be just fine in the longer term. All of that I know.
It is a shame that your W doesn't seem able to stop with the destructive choices and scuzzy OM. But that's up to her I guess. She is losing a lot by doing that.
Do keep posting and take care. You have travelled a great journey already no matter what your W does
((((Cali))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Cali, I know --- I had to borrow money from my parents to get this apartment. Survival knows no pride. Your wife - I dunno - they do say that MLC makes them into different people, the opposite of who they were before. Clearly God has a plan. We may not know what it is, but He does, and it will be revealed in His time not ours.
I'm worried about you. You do not have to share anything here or anywhere else if you aren't comfortable, but I am worried that the things she said and did to you may be locked deep inside to fester. That's not ok. Maybe some IC ??? Just so you can get that all out in a safe place? You should not be carrying that around with you, honey. It's not yours - it belongs to her. Think about letting it go. Maybe you process things differently, but I internalize stuff and it's really unhealthy, so if you have a tendency to do the same, please please consider a safe way to free yourself of her venom.
I hope and pray you can find a place which allows you to bring your beloved dog.
Only someone with a deep level of self-loathing would behave the way your W has. You deserve peace. This is your path to peace, Luke. It isn't what you would ever have chosen for yourself, or what any of us would choose for you, but it's what you have. All you have to do is keep breathing, put one foot in front of the other, and trust. You know this already. Easier said than done. It will all be clear in the fullness of time. For now, just take care of yourself and your sweet boy and if you can, your dog. You got this. I believe in your ability to handle this with the honesty, strength and dignity with which you have handled all the rest. I am keeping you in my prayers. I hate this has happened to you. Really upsetting. You are such a wonderful person. When someone is filled with self-loathing, as w is, sometimes it's projected onto your partner. That doesn't mean in any way shape or form that you have to accept it. I'm sending you a special spew body armor to keep you safe as you traverse this next bit. It's quite interesting that your W is back with the guy who gave her an STD. She's been quite embarrassed about having it - perhaps on some level she feels that since she's got that, she only deserves to be with someone else who has same? Don't want to get too far into her head as now this is all about you. She's done you a favor: you don't have to wait until spring. That's why you feel a sense of peace. Keep posting as we all love you and want to know how you are doing.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Cali - what has happened is a stark reminder to us all that no matter how much movement in the forward direction our spouse appears to be making we must never become complacent and think that we have arrived into the safety zone.
I am saddened to hear that after all that you have given; the chance you granted your wife, she has chosen to throw it away and continue to walk down her path of destruction. You question why He put you through all this, what was his aim - I feel you have learnt so much from this 2nd time around with your w; you put in to practice all that you have learnt; patience, understanding and how to make the most awesome smoothies. You have shared your experiences, not only with us here but your church, in turn helping others understand this terrible journey that your w has embarked on and the painful yet enlightening journey you have been on as consequence. Cali you yourself have admitted to being a better man and father for this experience, you have changed and this is what He has guided you to becoming.
I do hope that the transition to your next home goes as smoothly as possible and you manage to find somewhere that can accommodate your family. Allow the peace you feel to surround your soul and let her comments and actions slide off your well worn jacket, once you are settled in your new home its time to live for Cali.
Much love and hugs to you, you and your s are in my thoughts, don't be a stranger. xx
your last sentence comes from not knowing what is going to happen. Guess what we are all in that boat.
Our most growth comes from adversity.
I have seen you grow leaps and bounds since you got here. You got this. You have been lead in this journey and will continue to be. The journey of Cali continues......What will you make of it?
Cali, I am very sorry to read what has happened. I'm glad you had someone that you could lean on for financial help, i.e., money for an apartment. Hopefully you will be able to locate a place that will allow you to take your faithful friend w/you.
Cali, you are still writing your life's book. The next chapter is unfolding now and I do hope and pray that once you are settled that things will calm down and you can find some peace and quiet to focus on you and your son. You've done everything possible to make things work, but now it's in God's hands.
Keep moving forward and good luck in finding a place to live today!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
(((((Cali))))) Just dropping in for a hug Cali. I have been thinking about you a lot this past day and in truth I've been a bit traumatised and unsettled by your revelation. I can't imagine how horrible that must have been - the worst kind of BD. Anyway, I hope you are managing to get yourself settled and do post soon to let us know how you are doing.
I've learned a lot from your postings and think you sound like a great guy. I would echo what others have said about your W's negative comments....WW keen to absolve herself I thought....I also hope you don't feel the past period of time has been a waste. I think it will bring you peace to know that you really dug in and tried even when the going was very tough.
Do take care and I only wish the very best for you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Cali, sorry to hear how things have turned out. I completely understand your "why" questioning after what you put into your M the last year, for it to turn out this way. I wish I knew the answers but I'm facing similiar questions on what God wants from me. I can see the small pieces of what he wants me to do but I still have no clue what the big picture of what will happen is. Realistically I have all the direction I need from him to move forward, the rest are just things I want to know.
We just have to have faith we will be ok and so will our families regardless if we end up with our W's. Keep being the awesome man you have been and let yoursel heal. God has our W's in his hands now and it's between them.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Cali - I'm pretty sure one thing God does NOT want you to do is to be a doormat or an enabler.
You've worked on yourself, been kind and understanding, but sometimes, the WAS cannot begin to turn around until they hit bottom and have to deal with the consequences of their actions.
And you, my friend, do not have control over whether she ever is able to change or not.
As for the Catholic idea of marriage for life - I grew up Catholic so I understand this, I do. But a couple of things to consider: - first, if you weren't married in the Catholic church, I'm pretty sure those rules don't actually apply to this marriage (a little hypocritical, I know,but that's how it was when I was growing up). - second, you definitely don't have to stay in a marriage that's abusive. You might, if you were very religious, choose not to remarry, but that's a different question for another time.
- third - leaving her to hit bottom and change - or not - is not abandoning her - sometimes that's exactly what the WAS needs, for people to stop enabling them.
I was married in the church and was married for 24 years. I worked on the marriage through a couple of infidelities on my ex's part. He finally left in a MLC whirlwind as he was approaching 50. I have peace in my heart that I did everything possible to save my marriage, and I was a faithful and loving partner all those years. I have moved on to a new relationship (ex is remarried) and I don't feel any remorse. I DO think the Catholic ideal of working hard to save your marriage is valuable, but in reality, you cannot force your partner to stay married, and once you have given it your best shot, you should not have to be alone forever just because your partner wigged out.
