Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The start of my happiness 4

I believe she was a good partner, as was I. However there were times when each of us were not good partners and each of us were unhappy with it. In my case I bottled up the feeling and brushed it under the rug. In hers she sometimes voiced it, sometimes she didn't. Either way she held onto it closer and let them build until she felt she had enough and moved on. The point is neither of us worked on being a better partner for each other.

In my case I left well enough alone instead of meeting her needs. In her case she was unaware of my needs as I was afraid to rock the boat and disturb the peace, therefore never expressed what I needed.

The question I have for people that acted in similar ways as I did. "Nice guy" actions I guess, and were able to change that about themselves is how? How were you able to overcome the anxiety of expressing your concerns and the feared response to that expression?

I understand te responses i envisioned were not a guarantee, just a worst case scenario type of mentality. You will never know the outcome until you express that feeling or concern and then deal with whatever results. In my case I always feared the worst. That anger and arguments would arise because of my expressed feelings and concerns.

Interesting point / idea Tyler12. Now that you mention it, I have begun to wonder the same thing. I certainly don't miss the woman my WW currently is, but do I miss who I thought she was or do I miss our interaction and good memories.

Glad to see you took a break from your studying to do something for yourself. Be well.

Tyler,

I think that this situation is very common. My WAH says something similar about not voicing how he felt because he thought my reactions were going to be so awful. That led to a great deal of resentment building up in him that he says he can't get over. Unfortunately, because he wasn't being honest with me that he wasn't happy, I thought we were doing great.

My counselor said it is a case of pursuer/distance type of relationship. So, I just ordered two books to help me figure out my role in this debacle. I am considered the pursuer (codependent) in our relationship. I think that would be what you are calling the "nice guy" in your case. I am not sure these books will help me with my M, but I don't ever want to make the same mistake in my next relationship with whomever I am with. So, I am anxious to see if anyone else weighs in on your question...

I agree with getting a pursuer/distance book. I just got one because I went from the distance one to the pursuer big time. I flip flopped.

I agree with brooke I'm reading it so I do not make the same mistakes again with anyone.

Tyler I love the quote at the bottom of your thing too about making yourself interesting.

I find myself watching interactions on TV or with other people, between other people and noticing faults in communication or actions that are detrimental to healthy relationships. Part of me wants to help point these out, yet it's not really my place to explain to people their actions and the consequences without being asked.
On the other hand i sometimes feel like my involvement would be met with backlash instead of acceptance which deters me from approaching the subject. It's a double edged sword. On one hand unless asked its not my place to help, on the other I fear the reprocussions of my involvement, when I shouldn't fear it as it may not be bad.

Another thought I have been recently juggling in my head is asking myself if I was truly happy with WW. Absolutely we had good times and worked together at times. We created 2 amazing boys that bring me endless joy.
If i reflect harder on the time we were together and look past the happiness and focus on issues I had or we had i then start to question my happiness, my true happiness in the R. From the beginning i realize part of my problem was I always focused on making her happy. Which is normal in the beginning of courtship. You want that person to be happy with you therefore you forego some of your happiness and it is replaced with happiness of seeing them happy. And the other party usually does the same so it washes. However as time progressed I continued on that course, the problem with that is i wasn't as happy anymore and I was always on eggshells to maintain the peace. W was and is a short tempered person, I found it easier to let things be than to argue therefore resentment built between us. The times I did stand up and face the issue head on we're better for us. She didn't want a coward that caved to her every wish. And I didn't want to cave. If I " had a backbone" we would work out the problem and it wouldn't arise again.

We both had issues that contributed to the demise of R, whether she sees her part in it or not is not on me. I cannot show her or point them out. But finding my own issues and addressing them is imperative if I am ever to find inner peace.

I wasn't happy in my R with WW. There were good times for sure. We were strived to find true happiness together tho as our communication was flawed. No matter who in the rest of my life I am with that is my focus. Primarily that my needs and emotions are expressed. secondly that my partners needs and emotions are acknowledged, not fixed by me! As it is not my job to fix what they are feeling. To first acknowledge them and act accordingly.

I want everyone who reads this to know that I would never be in the place in my life I am at if it wasn't for the amazing support that is provided to me and to other people on these forums. Tho I may not post on a lot of forums I read a lot and someone usually has already expressed what my thoughts are. I thank everyone who has and is helping me. And I try my best to help others as I have been helped.
I hope everyone had an amazing weekend full of self love and happiness. And that those feelings continue each and everyday of your journey.

Dude, I could of written what you wrote.

It amazes me how some distance can provide some clarity.

Great job on recognizing this stuff, Ty.

You can NEVER fix another person. If they are battling their own demons, there is NOTHING you can do about it.

Yes, you can support them. You can listen, but you can't fix them.

I'm coming to that realization as well. My WAW is a alcoholic, she's sober (I think), but she has issues. I can't fix that. And I can't make her love me.

Keep working through this stuff, Ty. You are growing.

Hi Tyler... Just checking on you. Everything okay? You usually don't go so long without posting so I just wanted to make sure you're allright. I miss your posts so you have a to come back!

Hi MB. Ya I'm doing ok. This hell week at school is exactly that. I have been stressed and run down. Today I am great! I do have some updates on the W front I addressed a bit on brokes thread, tonight I think I will lay it out tho. Last day of school today!!! Provincial final tomorrow!! Off to the mountains tomorrow afternoon for some snowboarding! I am so excited and ready to have a weekend of friends and Nonworries. Then back to the real world Monday. Thanks for checking in.

Alright. I promised MB an update so I'm gonna journal a bit before sleep then hopefully I will be too busy over the weekend to do anymore.

So. Last we left off I was quite pissed about the meet for the boys and the OM being there. Then I kind of went into a self reflection state. Since then I have been focusing on finishing strong at school. I talk to my kids as often as possible although sometimes it feels like not enough.

There have been some interesting dynamics lately. I don't remember posting it so I'll tell the story here or again.

Earlier this week W texted me saying S1 had been sick and crying. Not sleeping for a couple days and was taking him to see the Dr. That she was sick too. And on and on. I chatted a bit and said thanks for telling me. Would you let me known what Dr says. Hope you feel better.

She called later and I was driving so I left it. I get a pic a few minutes later of a bday invite for S3. His first official invite from friends. I waited till I got home. ( it's hard not to respond right away still). I said that's awesome I bet he is excited. Is that why you called.

She said he is and she called about Dr. So she called again and when I answered she asked how I was doing. I said good and ask for the same but it's the first time in months that she has asked how I was. So it almost threw me off. S1 is getting over a cold and teething was the issue. Anyway. So we talked about the boys and I talked to S3 about the party. It was good. I think I go into more detail in brokes thread.

Next morning she texts again asking if I can find the folder for the car for warranty purposes. She had mentioned there was a issue. I looked and it isn't here. I told her that and she in typical WW fashion started to get upset. It's this folder and should be right here. I texted back. I know what it looks like and where it should be, however it isn't.
"Never mind I'm sorry. I'm an idiot it's here". So i agree with the last part, now this time she said sorry, again. She hasn't apologized for anything in months.

I noticed these 2 things and I realize they aren't game changing in any way. and mean nothing. Best case she is possibly getting over some anger, or I have become another person and she is being civil. Either way. I'm all good.

thursday I am asked about any mail for her. I replied nothing addressed to you, I do have a tax reciept for you tho. And I mentioned getting my taxes in after I got my receipts together. And she replied with the location of them, I already had them and let her know and to have a good day.

That Night she texts again. I think S1 hates me and so do neighbours. I chose to ignore this as I was out with friends. The she calls once I am home. I answer and its S3. Wants to say goodnight ( first time since all this started he has wanted to call before bed). So we do and she has some stuff to talk about until I'm sure her phone rang and she had to go. I didn't care I was studying.
Tonight same thing S3 to say goodnight. And she wants to talk again.
I want to mention. Each time we talked Monday Thursday and tonight she has asked if I am still going away for the weekend. To which I reply yes. We talked about me getting te boys next weekend so that is cool and a bit about D12 dance exams next weekend.

That's my week In a nutshell. There was a few trips to the gym and out with friends a few times too.

So it seems like WW is trying to stay in contact and see what I am up to. Using S to have a reason to talk. Maybe I shouldn't be, I am giving her nothing tho. Just the facts and answers. Validation and a courtesy laugh if needed. Other than that I just want to get out of the convo. It feels like in going past detaching and moving on.

I do not want to let someone hurt me like that again. Especially her. Would I give us another shot? Maybe, not in the near future as of right now. She said again and again we both need to find oursleves. Well now I am, I see that it is a long process, and I don't know if I want her part of it until I am happy with myself. By that time who knows.
Anyway have a big day tomorrow. Need sleep. I apologize for the long post. Teaches me for not journaling for a few days.

Alright. Schools all done. Now for a weekend of fun. Hope everyone here has a great weekend.