Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need practical ideas to aid my 180/Last Resort.WAW

I've been trying to engage my "detached" WAW into activities with our sons (M 15, M 10). With limited success. The in house separation means she "comes and goes as she pleases". Most meals she is present but then she withdraws until our youngest has to go to bed. Occasionally she watches a movie or plays a board game with us. Sometimes she and I will watch a TV show together. This weekend because of some work taking place in the house she has agreed to come away for the weekend with us (coincides with Spring break for the boys). We will be in one hotel room and going to meals, the waterpark together, etc.

Anyone have some ideas on how I should be acting in close quarters for 48 hours. I'm hoping this will be a good opportunity for us.

Bring it on.

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

That depends on who is giving you the steps. Is that something your coach is doing, or are you the one naming step one, two, and wondering what # 3 is? Also, if I may suggest that you need to notice when we are giving our personal opinion or if it is something out of MWD's book. Okay? I also noticed you referred to various things as the rules, but they aren't. Not picking on you, just trying to help you from possibly being confused. (Or, maybe it's just me that's confused).



I'm not sure how you would show her you will be fine without her, and at the same time you're trying to get her to participate in activities you've planned. Did your coach advise you to include her in your plans?

Getting a life is an expression. It means to find things to do you enjoy (that does not include your W). You can do this without planning your future, can't you? What do you like to do in your spare time? Do you like sport activities, have a hobby, hang out with buddies, shoot pool, rock climb, go to a concert, whatever is your taste. Explore new things, and step outside your comfort zone a little bit. This is you having a life that does not depend upon her. See what I mean? Don't find excuses, like saying you are the homey type, or everything you like includes family. That is b.s. and being a co-dependent man who doesn't want to get away from his W. Make yourself get away from that house. Want her to notice you GAL? Then GAL while she is home keeping the kids! She'll notice. Want to be mysterious? Don't tell her everything about you GAL. Don't lie, but don't give details. Be vague in your answers.



What do you mean by "it's all becoming regular? What do you mean by how to disrupt her?

You said you had not been a good H. Going from zero to a hundred overnight may prove to be a bit much for her. Think about it. She sees the two of you as separated.....and now you become this super husband. Some H's discover that the W resents the fact she waited 20 yrs for him to wake up, and it took her being completely done with the M, before he started trying. She will probably have doubts at how authentic his new behavior really is, or how long it will last.

I think you need to mentally prepare yourself not to fold if she doesn't always respond the way you hoped. In fact, it's better not to have any expectations from her.

For now, read other threads (be sure to read those on Cadet's list) and learn as much about DBing as you can. IMO, that is one of the most important steps.

Thanks for all the info - keep it coming.
Not to worry - both books are safe and computer is password safe.

Yes, the coach said to get her involved in family activities. Not to worry, most of my activities do take place out of the house. I'm trying to take on a few new activities too. Before the "separation" I was moping around the house - now not so much. I am also doing activities with my sons that she nixed before. So life is going on.

Yes, I can see how the super husband can backfire. I've dialed down the amount of house work and meal prep I've been doing. Trying to share the load a little more fairly and not let her off the hook. The house projects may run out of steam as they get done and only major projects that take big $$$ are left. Again, I'm very happy to have them done just for my sake. And yes, I feel like an A$$ for not doing them sooner.

The coach was very clear that my w is looking for consistent and long lasting behavior.

It's becoming regular as I GAL and making changes at home - it's become a habit. So I wonder if these changes will become expectations? Also, what I mean by disrupt is the kind of activities I can do to keep her guessing. I'm keeping busy on my own (seeing friends, sports, etc). I've been turning around the house routines - I just wonder what else I can do.

Thanks for all the great input.

Are you making these changes in order to make things better with her?

Are you asking if she will expect you to continue with the changes?

I see a lot of newcomer men who quickly learn the explanations he should give. For example, "I am doing this for myself". I have doubts that everyone is being completely honest with themselves. Down deep, they are wanting to find favor with the W......which is understandable. He is trying to find a way to show her the M is saveable.
The problem is that whenever these changes are not for yourself, they will fade and you will lapse back into old behaviors or habits.

One way to check yourself about your true motivation is by your own expectations. If you have expectations of her responding to your changes, or just noticing them..........then you might question your motivation. That one is a little difficult, b/c as one man said, "I wouldn't bother changing if it wasn't for her".

I believe a lot of H's are jarred into action b/c they see how they contributed to the breakdown of the M and they want to make amends. That is a valid reason, IMHO. However, his timing is not parallel to his W's timing, and I think that causes a lot of frustration and setbacks for him. He may need to examine himself to see if he is trying to please her into staying, or if he would make these changes if she were not in the picture.

So to answer your question about expectations, once your W believes they are genuine, then she probably will expect you to continue. As for your own expectations of her........it's best not to have any.

My 2 cents: The changes I make in myself - my relationship behavior and attitudes - are meant to become permanent, for my own sake. They are independent of H and the M - they are all about me improving myself to my own benefit and the benefit of whoever I have a relationship with. It's like losing weight - I may initially be motivated by looking more attractive to my spouse, but the purpose is really to be healthier and have more energy for myself.

My activities and interests may change, with season, ability, energy levels, etc. Although trying something new every so often keeps you interested (and interesting) and 'awake', I think.

As for spending the 48 hours together, I would think of a way you can suggest also doing something separately during that time (maybe take one kid and do something the other doesn't care for), and that you focus a lot on the kids and only intermittently on her. You can give her little flashes of attention, but mainly respect her wish for space (which I assume she has expressed a need for?).

Do you know what her love language(s) is? You can do a whole lot but if it's not the right things, it won't matter much.

Thanks for the input - no I don't know her love language. She does love to serve, I think researching that should be a priority for me thanks.

Yes, many of the changes are initially a wake up call. My finances are a mess - I hired a book keeper, the house projects have been left undone - they are now getting done. I did not make main meals - Now I am.

I'm fit and in the best shape of my life. I'm having a hard time concentrating so my work is not flourishing - but I'm trying. There are some good opportunities in front of me I'm grabbing.

Yes, I see where some of the issues are that I can fix without her. These fixes have both an immediate and long term pay off for everyone. Yes, I want them to be lasting changes. I'd like to have a new me. That lack of stress and the new skills will be great for me. Especially if I can't save the M.

Being emotionally available and sharing with her - for her that ship has sailed. So lets see if the other changes help us get on the road to reconciliation.

I'm trying not to make her the centre of my life and I'm working hard at it. I don't think she cares that I'm out with friends or when I take the boys out for an activity. She want's to hide/her space.

That's why I'm asking for ideas on how I can keep improving and changing that will make me the best me - and maybe get some course correction going.

The problem is everyone - I don't know what is going to work. That's why I'm willing to try anything. So keep the ideas and comments coming.

And how have you worked on your control issues? That seems to be the biggest thing she had with you.

Does she have other male friends?

Thanks for the question MrBond. The short answer is yes. She felt that I tried to control her whenever we disagreed. Which is not how I saw it. Just that we could disagree.

Yes, I have tried to detach. In the past two months we have not had lots of time to talk. When we do I try to listen, I do not give my opinion or solution. I try to "take her side". I don't interfere with the way she does things. So those are some of the steps I've taken to not be perceived as "controlling"

Yes, in the last few months she has developed a new group of friends - I'm guessing that the majority are male. I don't ask where she is going, when she will be back, etc, etc.

I try and detach and be uninterested.

How do you think I'm doing? Any ideas, suggestions?

Matthew