You know I had the same misgivings about ml. There was even a point where h was dating someone else and sleeping with me! I accidently found out about ow when looking for a bill in a stack of papers at his apartment..he left me the keys while he was out of town to water his plants!
It is risky to ml in such an uncertain environment but it does provide a connection of sorts. After ml, h will think about you...even if he is considering ow you will also be in his thoughts. And despite what h says (my h said he'd sleep with me, date others and not tell me...very hurtful, and made me feel used!), ml with them does connect the two of you. When you ml, do 180s...it appears that you are now. What else can you do during that time to wow him?
Though it may sound almost mercenary, I'd use whatever 'weapon' at your disposal to get your man. I'm not trying to be demeaning but sometimes in battle we must resort to meeting the opposition on common ground to win. The common ground right now appears to be the bedroom. It will be hard not to feel used because we women view sex so vastly different than a man but if you go at it with the attitude that my h WANTS me, h wants ME (afterall he has chosen you!!!), then you should be ok.
My h told me that because we were intimate during our separation, it kept him from feeling the pressure to seek a sexual release else where.
I'm not advocating that adopting similar tactics like my own will result in a restored m but you have to do what works, try different things and monitor the results. If you find that ml with your h after a period of time is not achieving the results you want or there is a decrease in the positive results your are experiencing now, then a change in tactics is required.
Cindy, as I stated before maybe Ow, maybe not. He of course reassures me that there is no one so i just roll with that.I have chances to snoop but i really don't want to know. Do I? I do believe that he desires me and that is good. If he is seeking physical touch from me as compared to someone else, I can live w/that. I guess your right even if there is someone else as Michelle says it is hard to not think about your spouse when you are touching them and Ml.
i am interested in your situation because i am hoping sex may start to bring my H around to trying to work on the marriage. (my post: "my story....") i certainly think there is something to it. luckily, even though my H seems set on divorce, he has agreed to slow down and do a separation for the time being to get our 'affairs' in order. he's agreed not to persue any other relationships until such time as our divorce is final. i guess that's my advantage. that doesnt mean i still dont worry he's going to meet someone else or be propositioned one day..... i say use the best weapon us women have! Just dont hurt yourself in the process. make sure you are getting some gratification from it as well.
well, my situation is a little strange i guess. we had a huge fight, and we havent been living together for 3 weeks. he showed up 4 days ago at our counseling session to say "its over". the next day we talked and i told him i respect his decision, but why the rush? lets just keep things the way they are (living apart and dividing the finances) for a while and work through things so we dont part with hurt feelings. he agreed, though very adimate about his decision. so i only found out that he wants a D 4 days ago, so we are 4 days into the 'separation' post the D news. but we havent been living together for 3 1/2 weeks.
i really dont see him or talk to him. i dont call or anything, except to email about legitimate stuff, like the cable guy coming over, or if i have some things he needs to pick up at the house. we flirted via email yesterday, and we have a "sex date" scheduled for tonight. NO STRINGS ATTACHED! it may be hard for me, but if he is alright with it, so am i. the best i can hope for is that if he continues with this separation agreement and doesnt rush the filing for D, then maybe he'll start to reconsider. my plan is just to make myself available for the physical gratification whenever, and let him contact me for anything else. it will be interesting to see his reaction over the next few days after our little 'rendevious'. will he panic? will he enjoy it? will he think i am getting the wrong idea and panic....rushing him to file? i just dont know.
but it's the only thing i've got going for me right now!
glad you enjoyed tennis. Wow, having to terminate someone, I don't envey you. What a kick in the pants regarding what your h said. but you are doing well working on yourself, just keep it up and would sitting down with him and explaing that you are not going to focus on past mistakes both yours and his and ask that if he really wants to make this relationship work, he should do the same??
hi nitaf - as frustrating as it can be, i do think there is progress in your sitch. sounds like you are getting a life, and re-developing R with H. hang in there. big hug, slowly
ps. thanks for the tip on light his fire, you are right, it is a great investment
Anita, I think that having R talk right now is no good for us. The other thing that I have to learn to do is not apply everything that he says to our M, unless we are talking about our M. I use to take things that he said all the time and turnit in to something else so for me that is more of the same. IT was a 180 for me to not say anything and just say, Can you give me a massage. In other words, I am not going to get in to that with you...Next subject!
I am thinking about just holding his hand and looking into his eyes to tell him that I forgive him for all past mistakes and blame him for nothing. I will do this w/no expectations, but so that he knows I have forgiven you.
My husband is a bit immature w/a huge ego and a lot of foolish pride. He had a PA nad only speculates I had an A and is walking around being so self righteous. That really drives me crazy! How dare you say I threw our M away? What did you do when you had an A? Cheris our M? ARGHHH
Thanks Slowly. I look forward to any advice you have to offer. I know that H loves me but right now he is being led by fear of more of the same. I don't want the old R so he really doesn't have to worry about it. I have to just stay consistant w/my changes.
