moving very very slowly!!!!!! I'm in piercing: Its happening and now I'm scared but I really should change that now to Its not happening and I'm frustrated!
moving very very slowly!!!!!! I'm in piercing: Its happening and now I'm scared but I really should change that now to Its not happening and I'm frustrated!
I don't think its pushy, just don't mention the work "date" just ask him to do something with you, but ask in a casual way and if he says no, don't take it personnally, like imalright says that means he isn't ready and thats okay too. what did you have in mind??
I had my tennis lesson yesterday. It was really good. We talked about it once I got home. He was there with S. I then said to him that I am not looking forward to 2morrow. He said why? I said I have to terminate someone. He said well if she was given fair warning and didn't respond, maybe she doesn't care about her job and she is getting what she deserves. why should you care. Ok, I know i shouldn't do this but I took that very personal and applied it to my marriage. Those are the same words he said 4 mos ago. I was unresponsive to him and he tried. It is so frustrating for someone to think that they have tried and have actually did nothing. He has made mistakes to and I didn't flee to my mamas womb! No, I am in no ways perfect and I have made mistakes but I just feeling really down and defeated today. I feel like I should stop pretending that I can turn this around because he will never come home. He has an unforgining spirit. He wants to focus on past behaviors. I have been there and only in hindsight because I reached for info to help me understand what is going on did i realize my own mistakes. Sorry for being so down today.
It's so hard to hear those hurtful words from your h. It seems as though they believe they are the only ones hurt by what has happened.
What helped me get through those exact same episodes with my h, was to do a 180 and see my h has hurting, lashing out, saying those hurtful things not because he was being unforgiving but because he did not want to risk the hurt/rejection again. Though he loves you he doesn't relish the possibility that he may get burned again.
I know it is hard for you not to take everything he says and apply it to your m...but some serious thought stopping. Start from this point forward and take your h's words literally...don't read into them, dissect them, or take them personally. Take him for his exact words...don't apply them to anything else.
You are right you can't turn your h around by talking to him...you can turn it around by being positive that you are worth a lot, that your m can get better. You can change it by changing you...how you perceive your m, how you think about your h. Change those things, stand firm in the belief that your m can be saved no matter what your h throws at you or says. Believe and do what you believe.
Remember attitude is 10% what people do to you but 90% how you react to it!
You are doing the right things. You need to continue to act as if everything is ok just as it is....no pressure. You can check out my thread and look for postings made by Wiley. Do exactly as he recommends on my thread....it's what you need to do minus the references to actual dating of course (sorry Wiley).
But you must maintain the appearance that your life is great, be busy, be fun, no r talk. It's almost the equivalent of becoming the OW to him though you are his w. That's the mentality you need to adopt...that your life is just great with or without him.
So far so good...work more on your poker face when he makes hurtful remarks such as he's never coming back, not going to sleep with you, etc. And stop thoughts of ow as quickly as you can because even if you did know for sure..what could you do about it? Nothing. So you are better not knowing for right now...he seems to want the m or at least his actions indicate that so go with what you got now...leave thoughts of ow far away (I know easier said than done but it does get easier over time and implementation).
You are on the right track keep going...do not listen or look toward the voices on the track sideline. Your goal is ahead, a better m, let nothing stop you from reaching it...not even your h's hurtful remarks.
Cindy, thank you. Your posted lifted me up. I sometimes look at his actions and say, are these the actions of a man that wants a D? He must be really confused and scared. He made the comments about me terminating the girl @ work and then I said, can you give me a massage and he said, sure. I really put myself out there by asking but he responded really cool and did a good job. My 1st massage in 3mos. Is the Ml while seprated good or do you think it makes him take me for granted?
nitaf, It sounds like everyone here is giving you great advise. Just listen to them, read their stories, and see how the good and bad things they have gone through can help you. IMO You are doing the right things by "acting as if", being his friend. As far as hurtful things H says dont worry about them. I know easier said than done. Believe my my Xh said lots of hateful, hurtful things to me and about me while we were going through our S & D. Now look at us!! In case you wanted to catch up on me andmy story .
Quote: Is the Ml while seprated good or do you think it makes him take me for granted?
IMHO you need to follow your heart on this... How do you feel afterwards? Do you feel like this is the only level you connect on right now? Is H ALWAYS the one to initiate ML? How does H react after ML? Good luck and best wishes.
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
