Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WW hope to reconcile

Why do you have to figure it out? It's her weekend, I think she would need to make whatever arrangements necessary.

sandi, the fire behind your words scared the ipad into typing it

jim - I agree with sandi. Stop trying to be the fixer/caretaker of your wife. She chose this. If you two were divorced, you would have zero responsibility for her side of the transportation. Treat it like that. Remember the AS IF principle of DBing? Perfect example of its application right here.

What do therapists and coaches suggest? I don't think it is a good idea to not tell her who is watching the kids. I think telling her the name of the person and their credentials is appropriate. Especially since she asked.

not telling her requested information concerning kids sounds petty and punishing to me. It is not good coparentiNg. I agree that you should not go out of your way for her. But a simple response to a question regarding young children is appropriate. You do not want to come across as someone that is not working in best interests of kids. Keeping info hidden is certainly not in kids best interest. Especially when they are young and cannot communicate well for themselves.

For her to have mini van sounds like it is in best interest of kids?

If my husband was doing things to intentionally spite me, I would be able to justify it as more of a reason to stay away from him. I think you have to come up with a clear line between not getting taken advantage of and not doing things to spite her. I do think of the nice things husband did for well being of kids. (During Christmas he did not push for them to leave our party to spend time with his family. They did not want to go. It would have been a lot of driving back and forth for them in one day. He came to them and visited for a while instead. I will always think of this kindness).

LOL! That is ok, I understood what you meant!

Julie, I can't speak to the legal side per se. It is good co-parenting to keep each other informed, absolutely, and the information should not be kept out of spite. However, in a divorce, each parent has their own parenting time for which they are responsible. What happens during those parenting times are up to that parent.

As a therapist, the kids will only be affected if it is hung out to dry in their faces instead of being kept between the adults.

My main thing was that Jim, who is a fixer and bends over backwards so much for his W, needs to start establishing boundaries and earning respect back. I don't get the sense that Jim's WAW was requesting the van. Instead, he is trying to fix the situation for her, which is something she needs to do on her own. A wayward spouse needs to face the reality of the situation.

I gave her the van last time so she will expect that again. I will not say or offer anything up but will give it to her if she asks. The right thing to do for the kids.

Or I can kindly suggest that she go an purchase more car seats and borrow her father's SUV and leave it at that.

Van is a mess and needs to be cleaned anyway which is something I can do during boys visit with mom.

As for the friend who watched my boys, I don't think it is fair that she should be allowed to parent from a distance. Too late for me to communicate who it was now, too much time has passed and she is upset which is her issue. She spoke to them and they are safe.

She should know me better than that by now. I would not leave the children with anyone I would not trust.

Julie,

I am not doing this to spite her. Because in her eyes I have failed at all the other things she has asked me to do she may believe that I may not be doing a good job raising the boys.

I don't know what she is thinking and at this point don't really care because she can't get passed the fact that she is choosing to be away and only wants to focus on past actions and fault me for everything.

I just want to move on from that be myself again and take care of the boys.

I am a nice and respectful person but I am busy enough everyday as a single parent and don't have time to justify everything to her at this time. She needs to wake up and smell the coffee that no action by her is also an action.

I have my plan to move to Toronto no matter what the outcome of the D, but as people have previously said, it may be best if custody stayed with me, then she can decide what type of parent she would like to be, at least I will be the one that is there for the boys everyday. I don't plan on taking a break from my kids. I signed up for this and will be their for them always.d

Squiggly, Jim

I still feel that if a specific question is asked pertaining the children. Remaining quiet and handing the phone over to the kids is basically stone walling, controlling, and spiteful.

I don't think her question was unreasonable. instead it became a power struggle. Personally, I feel like what goes on with kids should be open book. When they are young they can't communicate and things can get misinterpreted easily. Having adults all in, on their lives does not seem outrageous to me. In fact I think it helps to protect them. I wouldn't go out of my way to volunteer, but when asked I think it's okmto share info about them. If they get sick or hurt I also think it should be shared.

Now if wife had complained about your babysitter or about the fact that you are requiring babysitters, that is another story.

I agree that boundaries need to be established and I agree that it can be a fine line figuring them out. I struggle as well.

Thank you! I'm so so glad to see you say this!!