The way to not be controlling but have boundaries is to stay completely out of what he does on his own time and not dictate a schedule or terms, but ask that he does what he said he would.
For instance now, you could text him and ask, "I thought you were coming over this morning - did I misunderstand?" and see what his reply is - it's a non-accusing question. If he says he changed his mind or is disrespectful or flaky, you can draw a boundary by saying, "I'm sorry, but that doesn't work for me. In the future, please be here when you say you will or let me know if you can't. Thanks!"
It's a perfectly legitimate request that you would ask of any friend or family member, right? It's rude and inconsiderate to let people wait around. But you don't say that to him - just look at what you need and express that.
Now if he's used to disrespecting you, you may get fallout from this - but don't let him bully you. He's not there, right? If he gets rude or angry, you can say "Let's talk about this later," or if you don't feel up to that, "Sorry, gotta go, child needs me!" If he argues, you can repeat "Please be here when you say you will or let me know if you have to change it, that's all I'm asking. Thank you." And you can repeat that until he gets so bored that the conversation ends.
I know there's some posts here about boundaries, but I don't have the link - anyone?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter you are the best. I took this advice and it went well!
I sent him the text you suggested. He said he went to his parents aka his house to sleep and forgot. I just said to let me know next time etc. He got slightly defensive and was like why does it matter when I come. I just said all I'm asking to know is if you are changing or cancelling the plans. Thats it. He was like ok ok fine.
Hopefully it works. 10minutes later he asked if he was allowed to come over and see the kids. He came and is semi hanging out with them. He goes from watching tv in our bedroom to hanging out in the living room.
Kinda annoying he will not keep them overnight tonight since he has to be at training early, but I'm letting it go. I am being fun, fabulous, laughing, smiling, faking it out the butt today because I really just want to go to bed and pout.
He declined dinner with us and sat on the couchand just watched me and the kids smili ng, eating, joking. He eventually, got himself some but sat alone on the couch and now pouting in our room. ( open floor plan from the couch you can see the kitchen table)
He confuses me. Not going to think about it or what is going on in his head.
I will say today was a success in my books! I GAL and went to the park and lunch with my kids and girlfriend-her kids. Nice day!It feels almost like before the big D drop. Just a nice day.
Yes usually he says he can come when he wants..because it is OUR housr and I cant tell him he can't see out kids.
His text asked to come over and if It was okay with me. I was like well dang!
He tried being silly before he left, I let him because I was in a good mood. He knows I love cherries off milkshakes and he had one. Normally he will give me them because he hates them but that was before the D drop.
Last night when his shake was done he walked over with the cherry sucked to the end of his straw and was like eat it! So I ate it, smiled and said thanks. Walked away smiling and went back to doing my own thing.
He left and gave the kids hugs and kisses, came back inside and found me in the kitchen. Touched my arm so I turned around. He said Is it alright if I come see you friday morning before I have to sleep for work? Then he was like I mean come see the kids (d5 will be in school so it is just me and s3.)
I said okay, good luck at training tomorrow, bye! Walked him to the door and locked it.
He is getting TASERED TODAY IM SO EXCITED HAHAH that is MEAN of me..I KNOW. But that is what his training is. Being tasered at taser training. He has been putting this off for months and now he has to go do it lol. Like full blast tasered. His friend bleed last time.
I remember his pepper spray day. He was miserable for a whole day, eye swollen, grumpy. He is going to have a not fun day off lol.
So READING these other threads I think I need to make some changes on the following. Advice?
I still talk to and hang out with my sister in law. I try not to talk about her brother, just kinda let say I dunno, we will see what happens. The other day when we went to my in laws she made a comment at the family table about how I am ignoring her and never text or call anymore and wanted to know why, because we have always been friends even before I dated my H. LUCKILY I had just texted her that night. I was like I talked to you last night silly.
Do I still keep trying to be semi distant? or stay close to my inlaws, bil, sil etc?? My inlaws complain they never see-hear from me as much and they don't like it.
I am starting to spend a lot of time with my WAH, ALONE. He will come over while the kids are napping(he knows when they nap. SAME time everyday), there is nothing to do but hangout with me. So he will come to whatever room I am in and want to hangout. Watch tv, play his video game etc. If I leave the room, he follows. I can read a book in my bed and he will come in and want to watch netflix in our room. I will stay for 5-6 mins, get up, use the bathroom, then go to the couch. He will wait 15-20 mins then decide he wants to play a video game in the living room now on the couch next to me. This is on days when it is my turn to have the kids, I can't really leave since I don't know how long he plans on staying to visit and then it is almost always between nap and dinner, so I need to get dinner ready in an hour or so.
Do I need to create MORE distance even though we have a ton, since I do not see him often but when I do we are together for maybe 1-3 hours alone time? I already do not call or text, unless he calls-texts me. I always try to hang up first. I try to make the distance but do I need even more? He doesn't miss me( How could he?) since he talks to me everyday and sees me a few times a week.
Am I just sucking at boundaries still or is this something different I am not doing right?
It sounds to me like what you're doing is working. He calls, texts, comes over to obviously be with you - which makes me think he isn't having an affair.
He responded really well to your boundaries, I think - and from what you described about his job situation, he sounds like the type who can deal with rules and regulations.
I would just continue the great work you are doing. And think about yourself and your own goals and 180's and GAL activities.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Okay, I just worry that I'm being too nice. He keeps saying he JUST wants to be friends and still wants a divorce so I worry about if I'm being too nice. I dont want him to think I'm going to be like this if we get a divorce.
I agree with Painter. It sounds like you are doing a great job distancing and validating.
Have you told him you don't want to be friends? That's the thing I would want to make crystal clear. You can co-parent, but not be his BFF. Why should he get that too after firing you as his W?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
