Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives KGirl - new life, new stuff

... and it's nice to have you back to over-analyze with us! You seem to be taking it normal-hard, for a six months relationship. In November-December, I dated this girl a few times and got a bit attached and when it crumbled before Christmas, I was quite sad for two weeks. And it wasn't a relationship, and we didn't even sleep together. My D taught me that it's ok to have those emotions and to process them in a healthy way, like you're doing right now.

You seem to have very good reflexes about looking for actions rather than words. Or at least in hindsight ;-) It's harder in the moment because actions might not tell us what we want to hear. Maybe that's what you need to work on: facing hard truths told by your partner's actions. And I think it's a good thing that you clarified your expectations to him. You say you "lost" six months (not sure I agree) but it would have been much longer otherwise.

.. something I did not share because I am sort of embarrassed that it bothers me, but is certainly contributing to all this, is that I found out yesterday via mutual friends that XH has a girlfriend. She's 24, he took her to a fancy benefit ball over the weekend, and apparently she posted a picture of them saying he was her "prince" and he responded that she was his "princess." BARF. Obviously he's going to date again, it's just somewhat jarring because he was so insistent he needed to find himself and didn't want relationship-type obligations. Maybe she is young enough to put up with his cr*p and think he's super cool because he has a house and a car *end rant*.

When I was 30 I met a 24 year old girl and she felt too young for me. Maybe now that I'm 36 I could see 30, but 24? She was going out for happy hours with friends she went to college with. I guess if you're looking for someone that's impressed with a permanent address and likes from single guys on facebook that's ok...

I posted this on another thread not long ago:



Personally I'm in favor of you taking some time off of dating. I believe in the 1 year minimum rule from when the D is final. Seems you were dating pretty quick. I know you'd been separated for a year, but there are a lot of reasons why they don't start the clock until the ink is dried from a emotional closure standpoint. I'm sorry you're a little down right now, can you take some time to yourself to just be ok on your own for a bit?

Either way, thanks for coming back. I missed seeing you around. Please keep updating us from time to time!

Thanks for stopping by, Zues! Yes, I'm thinking now maybe I started dating too quickly. I need to get back to a place (or maybe I was never there) of being perfectly fine and happy on my own. I need to figure out how to do that, though, so if anyone has tips please share. Even though I was living on my own for a year before I started looking for people online, it was only a few days after D was final, and looking back at my old posts I was still pretty obsessed about my XH/finding answers/being reactive about him right up until the D. Meeting someone new helped me forget about him for awhile but the fact that I was so upset by XH's new GF I think shows there's some stuff I still need to figure out....

...and, stuff about myself too in terms of how to interact with people appropriately - the right mix of interdependence and independence. I thought I had really conquered the codependency/clingy thing but maybe wanting to hear from someone via text everyday is still too much, or that I want someone to fill me in on what they're up to. Maybe it's just hard because when you're M that's what you do (you don't just make plans with other people or go to a work function after work without telling your partner - it's not that you're asking permission, it's just you fill them in so they know not to you dinner or wonder what happened to you!) Maybe I shouldn't start expecting that of people before we live together - I see it as a precursor (can they show me they're capable of this before we take that next step?) but maybe most/normal people see it as suffocating.

I definitely also want to find someone that is going to be in it for the long term. I'm just not sure how to figure that out. I feel like you start investing a lot of yourself within 5, 6, 7 dates (especially if you're going to sleep with them by that time) but you really can't know THAT much about their philosophy on commitment and if they'll stick around unless you come with like a questionnaire. I guess I had a red flag on that from XBF a month or so ago but I ignored it.. because there were still so many good things, so I thought. WHen he mentioned moving in we had a little conversation about relationships, etc.

K: My theory or viewpoint on relationships or commitment is that you're not going to feel the same about someone every day, or even like how you did when you first met. But you're committing to love that person and to work through things with them even through the tough times - you're making a choice every day to still love them. That's how I feel at least.

XBF: But what if you're really unhappy?

K: Well.. then I would hope the unhappy person would talk with the other person about what they're unhappy about and communicate and do everything they can to work towards a resolution before calling it quits.

XBF: Ah, so you wouldn't want to be blindsided by someone.


Not quite but... yeah. Seems we had different ideas about what "commitment" looked like

How are you doing, KGirl? Feeling better? What's going on?

Not doing well. Not sure if it's an appropriate amount of not doing well, or not, considering this is the only time I've been dumped as an adult aside from XH (and obviously that's a whole different level of feelings..)

It's been two weeks and I still cry every day, sometimes several times a day. It's hard to be motivated to do things like go out with friends, or clean my apartment, or cook. I've been eating a lot of cereal.

For better or for worse I sent XBF an email on Tuesday as sort of a "love actually" moment (where the guy is outside kiera knightly's place and basically says he loves her but knows she is married now, just wanted to lay it to rest, etc.) I said some of the things I loved about him, how I was sorry for things I did that hurt or pressured him and how I can't take back the past but at least I recognize some patterns I keep falling into, and wished him well on a job promotion he applied for.

To my surprise (dismay?) he wrote back. I was fully prepared for no answer. And he wrote nice things... said that I was warm and caring and he was happy to have spent time with someone who showed her true self, and that he had never felt as stable in his life as he did with me. But then said something like "I feel this experience will help us be better stronger people" - the typical BS answer of "this is for the best." Then he said "I did get an email back about my application". I took the bait and wrote just one line - "What a cliffhanger! Did you get an interview?"........ no responses.

Until last night and then I just lost it again. My mom and I were at my sister's house sitting and just watching TV. We talked about this a little bit but she didn't want to talk about it much, said "If you start crying I'll start crying, don't cry!" Thanks mom. Then at like 10pm she says "Do you want to hear some news about XBF?" Proceeds to tell me he did get his promotion. I ask her how she knows that, she says they were texting. She shows me a convo that goes something like this:
Mom: Hey
XBF: Hi hi
Mom: I'm cat sitting at (sister's) house.. the cat doesn't want to come by me though
XBF: probably being a scaredy cat, he never came out when I was there that time
Mom: yeah, I guess. How is your job?
XBF: good, I got offered a promotion on Friday and am signing the paperwork on Monday!

So... WTF is this? First of all I told her I didn't really want to hear about their conversations because it just reopens the wound again (not my place to forbid texting, I suppose). Second, how is it that he can have conversation with her, that he doesn't need to have (like beyond politeness) but can't respond to me/doesn't want to talk to me at all? Is he trying to get back in with me somehow? Is he just being nice. It's not like they were close and maintaining some sort of relationship, they met ONCE in person and had some occasional texts about random things (mostly to tease me.. like "your mom is telling me all your embarrassing childhood stories!") And in DB I think there's a line about how they will try to get back with your friends and family first, before you, so that's on my mind when it shouldn't be. I'm not trying to DB this, it doesn't make sense to do so for a 6 month R.

I DONT GET IT. And it's so hard. My rational part of my brain knows he wasn't able to give me what I wanted in an R right now and that doesn't change overnight. He didn't say ILY (and I'm guessing didn't feel it), acknowledged we weren't on the same page and he "wasn't where I was", couldn't do things like inconvenience himself or change his schedule for me when I did regularly, couldn't handle an adult relationship by talking about things and instead just ran away, he felt like I was "prying" when I'd ask him what he was up to in a given week, didn't care about not seeing me for a whole week, etc. Many signs of emotional unavailability. But yet the other part of my brain wants him so bad. He checked off so many of the traits/preferences I was looking for in someone. I combed through so many online dating profiles before finding him. He seems to think very positively of me so why doesn't he want to be with me??

UGH. I can't keep going on like this - I'm not getting much done at work or at home, I feel like I've exhausted my friend's patience analyzing and talking about this. It's hard for me to understand why he'd dump me considering I was the first in-person relationship he'd ever had, so you'd think that'd be pretty good for him - I do feel like I am a pretty great person and he'd be hard-pressed to find someone who was willing to give him patience and time to the extent I did. It feels like BD all over again.

I almost want to give you some tough love, K. Remind you that this is a learning experience and the right guy is out there for you. Suggest that perhaps getting dumped by XBF is as much about the rejection you felt from your XH? And remind you to set your sights FORWARD.

That said, it's true that when you've been partnered for as long as you were prior to your marriage and during it that it can be hard to remember that things are worthwhile when you're on your own, too. You did so well last year pulling yourself together, getting the cat, the car, etc. What if you set some kind of goal for yourself, like a bucket list item, and enlist another single friend to join you in it?

You've got to feel what you feel, but you've got to have a path forward, too. It's up to you to forge that path.

WRT to the emails and texts, I would say... they mean nothing. They're just words. He's not trying to get back with you, he just wants to be friendly. Nobody likes knowing they've left destruction in their wake, especially when the failure of the relationship is their own fault.

I am sending you warm thoughts and hugs, my dear. Grieve like you need to and then be MIGHTY.

I DO need tough love, 2x4's, etc. so please throw them all at me! Yes, this rejection is stirring up a lot of feelings about the previous rejection, and feeling like something is wrong with me, given that the reasons told to me were so similar.. which makes it easy to think it's about ME, even though my IRL friends tell me constantly this guy was not ready for an adult relationship. If he left me because of one thing I said on one day without even talking about it, he wasn't really in it for the long haul. In the week before the breakup I have text convos with my friends wondering if this was going to work, noting that I needed more from him if it was going to, etc. so obviously it was on my mind.. but he got to it before I was ready so that makes it worse, I guess. I'm also struggling getting past feeling like I "wasted" a part of myself by sleeping with this guy (because apparently I have some hangups on that and just the thought of needing to sleep with more people before I get to the one I'd marry makes me want to throw up...) but I need to remember that I couldn't have known then what would happen now, and at the time I was fine with that decision.

Yes, I did accomplish a lot of things last year on my own! I don't have a big goal in mind right now but a few smaller things - going to look into volunteering either at the library or humane society, and I have an art/decor project that's been sitting around from before BD that I would like to finish and get on the wall. I've been really good about going to the gym the past two weeks and would like to lose the weight I've gained since BD. I have gift cards from Christmas that I was going to use to go places w/ XBF but instead I'll find friends to try those places with. And start thinking about a place I could travel - someplace new and not Vegas, perhaps.

What is a normal length of time to be grieving (like the high-level version - crying every day, thinking about him at least every hour, etc.) - obviously it's going to vary for everyone but at one point should I be concerned that this is past the point of grief and a bigger issue like depression? Mornings are the hardest, I've realized. I'll wake up and after a second or two it will hit me: "Sh*t... he's gone. I'm not going to see him today or talk to him or text with him. And probably never again" and then I have a lot of trouble getting out of bed. I can try and tell myself all the rational reasons why this would be a good thing by emotions get in the way. It gets better by the the end of the day once I've gone to work, read a couple of articles I've bookmarked to remind myself that he wasn't actually involved in the R like I was, etc. but then it starts all over the next morning. I didn't experience this with XH because by the time I moved out, I was so stressed from seeing him all the time that I was looking FORWARD to not having him be a part of my daily life. With XBF it's the opposite - he became a part of my life and then abruptly ended without much warning or lead-up.

If the grief from XH is being carried into the grief over XBF, then it may take a while since you didn't go all the way through it. Though it also sounds a bit like depression, which would be normal all things considered. Treat it the same way you treated the break up of the marriage and get help if you need it. But counter those early morning thoughts -- if you think, "I'm not going to see him today," then follow it up with "I wonder who I will see?"

Also, may I suggest some gratitude exercises? You seem to be focusing on what's missing from your life at the moment. What are you grateful for? Make a list, every day.



Neither the break up of your marriage nor the rush offstage of XBF has to do with there being something wrong with you -- except that, for whatever reason, you have a tendency to pick guys who are not emotionally available. This is a puzzle to be sorted out, an opportunity for learning about yourself and healing wounds that are older than either of those relationships.

Onwards, KGirl, Onwards!!!