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Kyrie,

Every day is a new day. His graces are new.

My wife is going through withdrawls, and is a very hurt animal right now. Every time I try to give words of support, I get spew back at me. For someone who fought to get to where we are, it's not a nice way to be treated. She did say she'd follow up with the divorce stay, stopping the divorce for now. Broke off the EA with OM. Happy, but lots of work ahead, and I see my wife having to learn to deal with her emotions, and recognizing them before she reacts to them.

How do you remain? I think your guilt in having to do your 'wifely duties' is high, and you need to stop the thought process that if you don't do x,y,z as a good Christian wife you'll commit some sin. You need to stop beating yourself up for your husband's behavior.

Think of him as a bad roommate right now. Stay away from him, make your comments pithy, and find the need to talk and express yourself not only through prayer, but through family and friends. Find new friends.

I also think doing your nails is awesome. It's a start. Dress up. Feel REALLY good about yourself. Don't chase him, he's chasing you to pull you in the pit that he's in. Confidence and poise. Fake it.

You can do this. You have it within you.

Oh Trumpet - that's huge! It will also be HUGE for her to deal with her emotions & reactions. You are so strong...that's what she needs.

I hear you about my own "guilt", but it doesn't negate the need for me to do the right thing. Regardless of him, I have to.
Thanks for the encouragement - I need the *specifics!*
I *have* been dressing up more, wearing perfume, being feminine. That part is not *really* fake...but it is much more than I used to bother with. More makeup too. Of course, I am 42. ;-)

But I'm also a size 2, athletic, long hair, yadda yadda. I hate even the hint of vanity, but yeah, it's there. Blah.
Anyway, it's really encouraging and good to hear about the D being on hold. I'm sure its hard not to feel a lot of emotion about that right now but my impression is that you shouldn't express that (right?). I'm sure you've got this - your faith has never left you, even in the darkest hours. Hugs to you, Trumpet.

Tonight is another night. Still thinking about things from my first post, like how I feel. Looking forward to Friday (tomorrow) when I can talk w/the DB coach again. Wondering how I can better prep for it....and still thinking about HIS advice: my H *thinks* its hopeless and that he knows me completely. That's got me thinking of all kinds of ways to throw him off, but most would come across as being spiteful or fake. UGH. I need more ideas, esp. since he's so intimately familiar with this type of stuff & smells it straight away.
On the other hand, my IC asked me to do that pro/con list of both staying and divorcing. That's got my head spinning about divorce impacts.... I don't like it but thinking about it makes me...think about it. Still gotta put that together and post it like I promised.

Prepare for your coach.

Use your threads see if there is a theme this week, for instance turning invalidation to validation.

Turning we agree this is hopeless etc into I hear you say, x and y, and I think I understand this or I can see how you might think x or y.

Turns invalidation, you are part of me into I hear you.

With due respect there is a real difference.

Learning how to validate is one step, stopping invalidation a second converting invalidation to validation a third.

I sense that by say 'we' you think that you are repeating back to WH. When in fact you are integrating which is a co-dependency or dominating mode.

It's not easy to switch to validating when your habit is invalidating. I know it was one of my defensive habits.

V's (rather whimsical) invalidation cheat sheet


invalidation V's attempts at scoring


Enjoy your coaching tomorrow

V

Thanks Vanilla - I started looking through that stuff (there's a lot!). Last night was a doozy. He went to Skype, smoke(cigars) & drink (whiskey) with an old friend from our old neighborhood - basically his only friend really, and a kindred spirit. So I putz around online, took care of some stuff, etc. He went outside to do a little fire and continue to smoke (this was around 10 after he was done w/Dave). I told him I was gonna read & go to bed & move his stuff off the bed. At 11:30 he comes in, turn the lights on (oh boy, here we go) and asks if I turned off my phone. I said no. He mumbled something and cursed and then left. I checked my phone - a text about "Don't leave me alone doing this". Whoa. So I got up, put on pants (hey, its cold) and went to the door - he's outside again by the fire pit. I opened the door and asked, hey, did you need something??
He said angrily, "not any more! I smoke and drank too fast (gee, not too much but too fast) and was puking all over. Go back to bed!"
So I did. To which he came in a few minutes later, lights on, and spews about how I wasn't there when he needed me, and he doesn't like to need me, blah blah blah. I said sorry I didn't hear the phone, but I did come out & ask if he needed something. He said no you didn't!!
Whoa. Then he pivoted to me making excuses and the usual nothing ever changes, blah blah blah.
And the spew continued this morning. I couldn't help it, I fired back that he was in control of his own choices - I didn't force him to drink all that or put himself in that situation. He said I still need compassion and you didn't do anything. I said there's nothing else that can be done for someone who rejects any help. More cursing, blah blah blah. So I got up early and left for work.
My DB coach session is in a little bit here. Bleh.

So just trying to process the DB coaching session... I told him about last night and my little GAL stuff. He said if he knew how to make himself happy, he'd do it. He sees me making myself happy.

He also said look at the positive of last night: that H admitted he drank too much & needed me & I should affirm that. I'm hesitant because whenever I've *affirmed* good things or shown gratitude, H reacts very negatively. Coach said that's part of his dance but it keeps him a bit off kilter *and* it creates that tension within him.
The only real 180 advise he gave was that I should applaud his humility (since that's something H complains about of me) in that he admitted he was stupid to drink so much.
Keep seeing the small signs and not having expectations (whew that's hard in the face of the spew).
It was good but kinda minimal...I need so much.
Seems like some of the things he says is more like pursuing though... so I'm confused. Can't remember everything - and I take notes!

Just got a text from H: I'm so tired of being an afterthought. Thinking about what the coach said, I txted:
Hope you're ok today. Do you want to talk?

No response. Whatevs.

Still not sure about how to "show compassion".

Kyrie, I just want to say I am still here and reading. I don't have much to add, but I do understand how incredibly hard this all is. Hang in there. My H also thinks he is an afterthought, yet he is so unapproachable and won't reach out, so I understand the feeling of being unable to please him. I hope today is a little better.

Thanks Fo. How are you?

Showing compassion is accepting WH is doing this to himself.

A little like shooting himself in the foot testing if there are bullets in the gun.

He did it, he has scrambled eggs for brains and it's all his own doing.

Imagine you were in an accident and emergency ward and a patient came in after pushing a toy up their nose or fell off their bike riding backwards in a toy factory.

Ever seen those goofy candid camera shots where the best man faints into the cake or the bridesmaid rips their dress or the toy play pool collapses on grandma.

Compassion, and heal the hurt.

V

That's vague... it doesn't "show" anything. He thinks I "showed" irritation (fair enough!). Heal the hurt? Huh?
I accept it.