Ok... so Be my best... I can be a great dad. Easy. I'm all over that lately. But what does be my best mean around her? Do I do nice things for her I would normally do. I stopped doing those things recently when she moved to the basement.
What if she asks to come back in our bed?
I don't want to screw this up and push her away.
Nobody is going anywhere if there is an OM in the picture. Only two can be in a marriage. If there are more then don't bother trying to work on it. Personally I'm very pleased you may have helped hasten the end of the affair. It may help her clear the fog. Stay the course and don't even entertain the idea of talking to her about the M as long as there is an OM even remotely in the picture. You won't tolerate that. You can't.
Fade I think you have me pegged. I will move ahead as though I am preparing for life on my own. I WILL stop trying to fix her as hard as that will be. I need to think before I do anything, because I am usually so quick to act.
My dad was just moved into an assisted living home. I think I'll be spending a lot of time visiting him for a while. Maybe even stay the night with him on his couch.
I am prepared to walk away but I want it to work. For 21 years my wife was a normal loving person who was a great mother and wife. Then we went though a rough spell for about 6 months with me being an absolute monster around the house. I was miserable after my mom died of cancer. I was mad at the world. I wasn't a good dad. I was very unattractive. This is not my fault but that was my role in this. I know everyone thinks the best of their W. I saw the best in her for years. Even her best friends are stunned by her behavior. I have no idea how this will end, but I am hoping that we can work it out. But I also know hope is not a plan, so I am making plans.
So is checking phone records and having email passwords being detached or do you just not care about that stuff?
I guess it depends where you are. In a marriage there is no privacy except in the bathroom when going #2. That's it. Phones are open to each other, computers, whatever. You're not two single private people sharing a house. You're a married couple. One thing that will alleviate future conflict is talking out the definition of marriage. Would she be happy if you kept your phone private and were texting available women? Of course not. There is no privacy in marriage.
With that said, what I did when my wife offered for me to snoop as much as I wanted is to tell her that if I truly believe that I need to snoop then I'm gone. Once I decided to R with her I had to go all in. 100%. That meant trust and no snooping. Of course the caveat to her is there will be ZERO second chance. This is it. You get one stay of execution. The smallest infraction, one secret lunch with a male that you don't tell me about, flirty texts, ANYTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL and I'm gone. The reason it's effective is because now she truly believes that. She didn't until I filed for divorce and went out to lunch with a woman who admitted to me she was waiting out my marriage to finish falling apart and then wanted to date me. I know the conventional wisdom here is that I was a bad boy but it was great. First, it showed my wife that I was truly moving on from her. Second, to spend time with a woman that actually wants to spend time with you and there is mutual attraction? Oh man, that felt SO GOOD.
So for me if I'm in a relationship where I think I need to snoop then I'm leaving that relationship. Life is too short to live like that. I hope that's helpful.
I'm just asking because I really feel at this point that any further contact with OM is call for papers being filed. I'm not jacking around anymore.
EXACTLY the right attitude. You really are too good for this. You have worth. If she doesn't appreciate it then someone else some day in the future will. This is the final stage of detaching. It's you knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're going to be just fine.
