Thoughts on last resort technique for a WAW who is probably having an EA with online friend? Got invited over for a super bowl party. I feel like i should go, but uncertain. She has moved out so I think this is a good chance to demonstrate many of the LRT traits. Thoughts?
You don't get her? A cheating wife that sits around playing sexual video games with strange creeps online instead of spending time with her kids? That's what you don't get? Oh no, I think we all get it. She's the one that doesn't get it. If you want to save this then stop being so passive about it. Man up and put your house in order. Pronto.
cube, good to see you hear and wanting to work at this. My quick advice would be to step back, not pursue, and begin GAL and 180s. I know you're new to this, so I'll show you some examples from what you said.
Pursuing - trying to get WAW into M-counseling with an active EA is not likely to happen, and would be considered pursuing/pushing. Give her the space. The more you push, the more she will retreat. Even though it doesn't seem to make sense, you BOTH have work to do on your own, and it will be on each person's own timeline.
Stepping back - really take a look at the things that caused your marriage to deteriorate. More specifically, look at what you contributed to the decline. She may be the one who moved out and started an EA, you did contribute in some way, shape, or form. Set goals for moving forward that are centered on you and your actions. Furthermore, stepping back gives you time to breathe during what will be one of the most difficult things you will face in life.
GAL and 180s - Remember those things you figured out from stepping back? Begin doing 180s and changing those things about you. If you were controlling, let people make their own choices. If you were overly angry, learn better ways to manage your anger. And in order to heal you need to create a life for yourself, GALing.
When you figure out starting 180s, goals, GAL, etc, post them here for feedback.
Anyway, long enough post from me. Just wanted to answer your Thoughts? question!
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Thank you for your post. What you said is spot on. I didn't find this forum or DR/DB until a few days after I told her to choose our family or choose the video game and her fantasy world. She choose fantasy world and has been staying with family since. I am not sure if I would have done it the same if I came across this community first, but I guess everything happens for a reason. I know that we have had problems leading up to this, but she is responsible for her actions. I have had issues with jealously and being controlling. Unfortunately in her mind my objections to the game and her actions were just more of the same from me in her mind and she doesn't see the negative impact her addiction to this fantasy world has had on our family.
I am really excited that you posted on my thread. I have over the past few days been reading through your story (on my story so far#2). Your dedication to your S5 is an inspiration to me. I enjoy reading the questions that you post about your situation and asking myself how I would/should react and then reading feedback from others. I like to prepare for what the future might hold and situations that I might find myself in, and it really helps. Unfortunately the counselor we were seeing individually before starting couples therapy told her I would never change and that she deserved to be with someone who made her happy (at least that what she took from it)
Unfortunately the counselor we were seeing individually before starting couples therapy told her I would never change and that she deserved to be with someone who made her happy (at least that what she took from it)
You need a new counselor.
You can not make her happy!
Even if you win POWERBALL it wont make her happy.
That is something that is within her not something YOU do.
Being in Limbo is KILLING ME. I want to ask her to go to therapy, I want to ask her to fight for our marriage. I want to try so many things. Being separated has been such a drastic thing for me that I can finally see my faults and the things that I can do better in our marriage. I just feel like I should fight for our marriage and not just sit on the bench and wait to see where the chips fall.
I'm not sure how you see "fighting for your marriage. DBing is fighting for your M. It may be a new way to do it, but no mistaking that it is easy.
I am glad you are able to see what you need to do in the MR, and you may be eager to get started. Unfortunately, your WW is not in the mood to save her M. As of right now, the two of you are like trains running on two separate tracks. For whatever reason, she started engaging into something that gave her a thrill. It took her away from boredom and she became addicted, plus this opened a doorway to other avenues like flirting with other men.
Since you are separated, there is little you can do about her online activity. Unless you are paying for the Internet service, then I suppose you could have it turned off. Are you paying her expenses since the separation?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It is amazing the insight that you have in this situation. I guess it is the same plays, just different players when it comes to these situations. She doesn't currently work and comes to the our home during the day to stay with the kids. she is currently staying with family. i have considered shutting off the internet here as she plays all day, but wasn't sure if that would just cause her to no longer come and watch the kids and just push her further away. Also, she would just end up communicating with these people on her cell phone (which I also pay) I pay everything, but she really only buys stuff for the kids @ this point. I have my suspensions that she withdrawals cash thought when she does make purchases. She feels that I am controlling so I am just trying to not make $ an issue, I have never put her on a budget and I guess you could say she was spoiled. I have always been a hard core pursuer when we had arguments in the past, and have made a 180 since she left. I think her family is starting to see what an addiction she has to the game, but they don't know all the details. Do you think it would be a good way for me to enforce boundaries to shut off internet or just more drama at this point?
Thank you for your input. I guess I have been blaming myself for her unhappiness. She feels I am controlling and get jealous. I guess i you hear something enough from someone yous start to believe it. I have to agree that I do have my times, but generally just when she wanted to behave like her single friends who are in their mid 20's. Working on my homework, time is short with the kids and gym and things. I know that I should make it my top priority and will do better. Currently seeing a new solution based therapist, and they have DR on their bookshelf. I asked them about the book and they said it was probably the best book I could read now, of course, they also recommended that I write my wife an apology letter.
Thoughts on writing the letter? It is so hard to write one without seeming like I am pursing. I have written a couple drafts but always end up feeling like i am weak for apologizing for getting mad at her about her actions.
So a few weeks past (after our separation started) I asked W if she wanted to join me and the kids at an upcoming event we go to every year and she said she had plans. Now she is acting like she wanted to go the whole time even though the convo was via text and I went back and made sure I wasn't crazy. Her way to bring it up was to was asking about logistics. I didn't buy her a ticket, just tickets for me and the kidos. Part of me wants to pretend I had bought the ticket for her, buy new tickets together and enjoy a family outing that we have a tradition of doing together. Another part says to say sorry, you said you didn't want to go so I didn't get you a ticket with us. When she brought it up I had a moment of weakness and kind of went along with it. I saw this as a positive thing, a small step forward inline with my relationship goal of doing something as a family 2-3 time a month and a chance to go out as a family in a situation where R stuff wouldn't come up. Any suggestions? These past few days she has been really cold and distant and was moving more of her stuff out of our home and now this. Talk about a roller coaster. Also, Valentines Day is this weekend....Trying to figure that one out too. My new therapist said I should put the ball in her court and ask her if it was ok to get her something or if she wanted to have dinner. I have only been to this new therapist a few times and they do have the DR book in their office. I think they just don't have a full understanding of the situation yet, so I am hesitant to follow their advice.
