I have been using the fb principles good these last few days. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Trying to remain positive and concentrating on myself and my peace and happiness.
T-20 yrs M- 7yrs Me-46 XH- 44 S15, S21 1yr separation and divorce, my decision-07 1yr separation, my decision-2012 His PA started Aug 2016 I moved out Sept/16 He's been with OW ever since
My son is shopping for homes coming clothes with his dad and the ow! I'm so mad and want to send her a mean message so bad! Having a hard time dealing with this!!!
T-20 yrs M- 7yrs Me-46 XH- 44 S15, S21 1yr separation and divorce, my decision-07 1yr separation, my decision-2012 His PA started Aug 2016 I moved out Sept/16 He's been with OW ever since
Try to relax. Breathe. I know this anger all too well. Contacting OW will do you, or your situation, no good. Write about your anger here. Re-read the detachment threads. I feel your pain. Hang in there and keep posting.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Thank you!! I'm not going to send her a message but I want to so bad! And I'm no mad at him as well! Breathe is all I can do!!
T-20 yrs M- 7yrs Me-46 XH- 44 S15, S21 1yr separation and divorce, my decision-07 1yr separation, my decision-2012 His PA started Aug 2016 I moved out Sept/16 He's been with OW ever since
I mean feeling gratitude and positivity, praying to give him what he needs to get over her and come back, visualizing being back together and happy and acting happy about it now like it has already happened. I was just reading about it and was curious.
Read this out loud ... Does it sound like a person working on detaching, GAL, 180, PMA... Or does it more resemble someone fixated on her situation and obsessing about the WAS/OP?
Doing anything to get a reaction typically backfires two fold in my experience
I guess you're right. I've been trying to have a PMA but right now I'm so mad, sad, hopeless, etc....
T-20 yrs M- 7yrs Me-46 XH- 44 S15, S21 1yr separation and divorce, my decision-07 1yr separation, my decision-2012 His PA started Aug 2016 I moved out Sept/16 He's been with OW ever since
I mean feeling gratitude and positivity, praying to give him what he needs to get over her and come back, visualizing being back together and happy and acting happy about it now like it has already happened. I was just reading about it and was curious.
Feeling gratitude and positivity are great tools for YOU to help you make it through your situation. They will help YOU to have the energy to GAL and detach.
Prayer for him...maybe more towards him to heal and keep his heart open to you. But (if you are religiously minded), God helps those who help themselves. You will still need to do the hard work on you to find out what might have changed in your R on your part to affect his feelings toward you.
Visualizing being back together and happy...manifesting? Once again, you can call that a goal and do the hard work on yourself to attain it, and DB does use acting "as if" while in his presence (cheerful and upbeat); but you also should probably remember that you will need the caveat of "no expectations". To protect your own emotional health. And go over Sandi's rules daily to remind yourself what DB principles are in these friendly interactions.
I can't stress enough the idea of positive interactions within the DB framework. If you think about the OW at all, you will fall into an obsession or competition with her; neither are helpful. Try to leave her out of your thoughts...ignore.
This is where acting "as if" is helpful. Treat H as an ally in DB, even if he isn't right now. Work on yourself and find your "happy". Eat what you want, do what you want, watch what you want, learn what you want, hang out with who you want to, dress how you want...become the confident wonderful person you are supposed to be. When interacting with H, let him see that happy, confident person you are becoming. Remember your 180s and follow the DB protocols. Then leave him alone when he leaves. It will leave him thinking about the positive vibe from you. It may not show results quickly, he wont trust that at first... may even think you are being fake and manipulative. But if you can keep it up (if it really is a change due to your insights from the tough, hard work)he may start to wonder, then believe, then...who knows.
I had to learn, by the way, that with my emotional reactivity, anger was my trigger. It usually took the form of despair and withdrawal followed by lashing out (either verbally or in my head), but it was anger. My biggest 180 was to learn compassion and understanding for how my reactions or inactions made my H feel...lonely, unloved, and hopeless. This led to behaviors on his part that did not seem in line with his personality, so I continued escalating my behavior...and he continued his. Once I figured this out, my 180 was clear. So I forgave him, as well as others. I let it all go. I have had only truely positive interactions ever since. Who knows what will happen. I'm going to have to overcome years of negativity.
Do the hard work. Follow the clues. Work on yourself. Ignore the OW distraction.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Someone told me to think of the OW as a pesky gnat. Something to be brushed away with the flick of the hand. Try not to focus on her, try not to focus on him. Try to keep the focus on yourself. Honestly, I'm not doing a good job of this either, but we have to try.
I guess you're right. I've been trying to have a PMA but right now I'm so mad, sad, hopeless, etc....
Of course you are.... If you did not have these feelings then it would be a time for concern. You will have all these emotions and you will cycle through them repeatedly... It's... You ready... NORMAL. Allow yourself these feelings but like a poker game, don't show your WAS, keep them here or in a safe location. I read once with a crisis like we find ourselves in we need a plan (DBing) when things happen and emotions run high, refer to your plan, not your emotions... Emotions will lead you quickly down the wrong path but your plan is a well thought out navigation tool to get YOU where you were meant to be. If you are the praying type, best advice I could ever give you, give him to God, trust God knows what you both need .... I did not say want... NEED, and trust He will get you through this. Early on I prayed for the A to end, W to wake up and come to her senses ... All that. I am standing before you and will tell you had He answered those prayers, I would be no better off, I had to change, I had to suffer in order to change into the man He meant me to be and I am eternally grateful for "the gift of time" He awarded me to change as I did ..... I laugh as I hated "the gift of time references used here... For me I would never trade in my journey... Sure I could have done without all the pain and heartache but for me it was required
So ... Trust HIM, give your M and your WAS to Him and start looking in the mirror at what you can do to become the person you were meant to be... GAL, 180, PMA, and detach.
T-20 yrs M- 7yrs Me-46 XH- 44 S15, S21 1yr separation and divorce, my decision-07 1yr separation, my decision-2012 His PA started Aug 2016 I moved out Sept/16 He's been with OW ever since
