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Thanks Squiggy, I am seeing an IC and have a support group. Really enjoy me IC, and also have an "unlicensed" master level counselor who calls me / visits me each week. It's helping a lot, but I would certainly consider some meds if they offer them

Yep. I just get mine at Target. I think it was $4 for a bottle with 120. Just in the vitamin section.

Awesome! I'll try to find some this weekend and try it out. Not much of an update, had my IC last night, then had to stop by a few places and ran into some old friends. Was nice to sit and talk, make some superbowl plans. Wife had called and left a message on my home phone, my initial instinct was to call back, but I didn't. She left a message, just stuff about being on call tomorrow and when she might pick up the dogs. After listening to the message, didn't really have any urge to call her back (message didn't really have a need for a return call). So I think I might be making some progress, the last few weeks it has been incredibly difficult to not call / text / email. Hopefully I don't take 2 steps back, but feel like I'm moving in the right direction. Still thinking at least a year before I'm emotionally functional, but this morning it wasn't the first thing on my mind. I was thinking about work stuff. R stuff came on pretty quickly though. Someone told me last week, one morning, you'll wake up and it won't be the first thing you think of - that's when you'll know you're getting a little better.

Had a nice time out with friends last night, some mutual female friends were actually hitting on my since I'm soon to be (or kind of already am) single. That was weird, didn't expect that from mutual friends. WW was supposed to pick up dogs last night but made a lot of excuses and didn't pick them up. Said she would pick them up this morning but never showed. Point is, it is identical to the behavior she exhibited when she was on drugs. Very inconsiderate, not following through with plans, unreliable etc. Still letting her initiate contact, but just bring back some memories from 14 years ago or so, when her addiction was priority over everything else. I guess being addicted to a person isn't as bad as being addicted by drugs though. Just brought back some memories of why I left her way back when. When I left then, she had feelings for me though, and it got her into AA & NA. No such possibility this time around. Just thought it was interesting to see the same behaviors from years ago. Any thoughts on that? Anyone have similar sitch? I think it might help me move along a bit quicker, as I felt pretty good getting out of that situation in the past.

I'm off to meet some buddies for lunch, then off to a superbowl party. Feeling good and keeping busy. Weight loss is kind of stuck for the last few days, lose 3 gain 2 etc. Might have to pick up the # of days I visit the gym.

Well, she finally showed up to pick up the pups about an hour ago. Kept asking questions about how I'm losing weight and where I go to the gym. I was polite and gave brief answers. She then went on to lay on my bed and play with the dogs, then wanted to talk about her work. She seemed to need some encouragement about feeling uneasy with the OB patients, so I gave her some encouraging words. She never brought up the refinance or divorce, and I didn't initiate any conversation on any topic. Just remained considerate, she would say she needs to go but then kept sitting around not going. Finally I helped carry some things to her car and said have a nice weekend and shut her door. I think the non-hugging interaction works a bit better for me emotionally right now. Not that she initiated that, but I am always sure not to initiate contact as well. Well, off to my awesome day, I'll update soon.

Well, WW is back to the cold / indifferent type attitude last night when dropping the pups off. She's been staying with the guy now on the weekends and sometimes during the week. Guess I knew that was the goal for her, just seems so quick. Also didn't know how hard it would hit me. A lot of emotional pain / anxiety going on right now and my coping skills that were working so well before don't seem to be working this time around. Went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 2am, couldn't get back to sleep. Not that I've been sleeping well, but I've been getting 5-6 hours of sleep most nights. Have a lot coming up at work today, so it's really bad timing.

In my IC I try to figure out where I am in the grieving process, thought I was somewhere in the middle? Now I'm wondering if I've been in the shock / disbelief portion and the really hard part is coming on soon (or now). I continue to pray for peace and strength. I come back here and write and it helps. I come back here and read the rules / lighthouse story and it helps. Lighthouse story helps me cry usually, and I really want to get more tears out. I see the perseverance of people here in similar sitches, and I question if I have that kind of patience / perseverance. I'm only 6 weeks in and estimating it will take a year for me. I still have hope for my marriage but am not as far along as I thought towards detachment. I remember that this pain / anxiety is a cloud and it will pass (hopefully today before my formal observation with boss). So, am I fully going kookoo right now? How do people here hold out hope for so long for someone that has hurt them this bad? Why can't I give up on my marriage?

Had a fairly long talk with the WW last night. She sure seems to appreciate my NC and giving her space. We talked for a while and it seemed very nice and friendly. She did ask about my counseling and how I was getting along. I probably shared more than I should have. Then there was the regular barrage of compliments to my character etc. etc. So weird and confusing. The bad cloud of emotions seems to have passed for now, sure there will be more to come. I have counseling tomorrow night, so looking forward to that. Am going to try and get some more through blocking / staying focused type help I guess. Would it be completely inappropriate to meet a female friend that is not interested in romance? Would that only delay the pain? I want to walk straight through the pain to be free of it at some point. I understand there will be triggers for the rest of my life, but the emotions will not have the same intensity as time goes by. Still seems like my hope is fading each day, and seems to fade more with each tear. Is this part of the detachment process? I still believe in life long marriage, and she's the only one that can give me that. I'm inspired by the patience / perseverance I see in the stories on these boards, and hope I have the strength to do the same. Were many of you in the 0% chance of reconciliation area? That seems to be where I am (still).

Well, I'll keep doing one day at a time.

Hey Shreeve,

You are still very early in the process. So much can change as you go through it.

I've seen several people reconcile with their walk-aways even when it looked hopeless.

Thanks Thornton. I do still have hope to save my marriage, maybe struggling with the patience part I guess. Long journey ahead.

Well, no new / exciting updates here. Getting easier each week to stay NC, although I do wonder how her day at work went / what she's up to. I do have a question though, how inappropriate would it be to date? Not maybe with romantic long term intentions, but just go out on a friendly outing with someone of opposite sex?