I really have nothing to add to what Pink said. It was all my experience as well.
The actions you took and the reasons you had behind them are much more clear, well-thought, and sure than where you were a week ago. You have a right to be proud of your changes!
{{{Red}}} ({} are bear hug claws!)
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
I went and hacked his phone records, I had to know. I had to know. I had to. I only looked for Febuary and her number was not in any calls or texts from Febuary. I did not look for january since they both have birthdays in january and even I texted her a happy birthday.
I checked my house phone as well for the last 10 dialed numbers. I checked the sheets in my house for hair( mine is thin dark brown and hers is platinum blonde.)
no hair, no perfume, I went through my H dirty clothes( he is lazy and leaves his clothes here 90% of the time and they get washed with mine but if he is here he still helps with my laundry too so I figure it is okay since he does mine too.)
I made sure the dirty sheets in the laundry room were the same ones that were on my bed the day I left and not another extra pair.
I went threw my bedroom trash can, bathroom trash, kitchen trash, (trash can outside is empty.)
I looked in the shower, on the couch, under the couches..my step sister watched my kids while I "deep cleaned" my house.
I took out the one photo he said that fell and I he is not lying about that. My dresser is 3" closer to the door because the nail for my picture is way to close to my dresser to hang my photo now unless I move my dresser over. So I believe that one fell. I still am upset about all the other photos though. Even if he thought it was a joke, it was not funny and just mean.
I feel like maybe we should just tell the kids. He just wants to tell them he is working a lot and that we are still married and act all happy. I think she knows and isnt dumb.
She was having a D because her husband left her. He said she was annoying, a nag, he had a bad porn addiction and couldn't get off to her, he asked her for an open marriage. It was crazy since I know the guy too.
She looked the same the whole time but she is already gorgeous looking. Beautiful, blonde, british accent, nice. And No the only time my H saw her was when all 3 was home. Im a stay at home mom so they only talked when I was there with them. He didn't even have her cell number only on facebook( that could change.) If I was in the kitchen, she was in the kitchen. If I was in the livingroom she was with me. Always with me never alone with him.
She stopped coming around about a month or two before we separated because I was having issues. I felt like she was around too much and I had no alone time with my H so I asked her to come around less. My H thought yhat was mean because she has no family here in the US. He is only off 2-3 weekend days a month and I wanted more alone time with my H.
I feel like I need to fight harder and harder either way. That seed in my head of MAYBE has really messed with me.
I do need to find a way to deal with the pain. I called my doctor today and he suggested saint john wort for depression since it is natural and will not mess with my medication he gave me. So I have a huge bottle now to try to help maybe mellow me.
I feel like I need pity party days. That sounds like it might help me. I feel ashamed when I cry and get sad over this. I feel like I need to be stronger.
I really hope that this was a crazy weird bad day of coincidences. I will not be blind now though. I WILL be looking for signs.
If you guys thought I had boundary problems before, just the thought of him wanting to touch me if he does have someone else just makes me slightly repulsed. I need space. I need to have him not touch me at all.
I have a new set of boundaries that I really need if I am going to make it out of this and not break.
I am looking into IC as well. I had one tell me she will call me back later today and let me know.
I am slightly ashamed that I did so much pyscho stalking in my own house but I needed to know. My results..not sure. Looks like nothing happened but at the same time, I truly will never know.
I do want to set up cameras now as a precaution. I'm looking into it and costs.
Thank you cira-pink for always being here for me and helping me. You are one of the reasons why i have not giving up on myself and been a huge ball of crying 24-7.
Ok Red, you did your Inspector Gadget job. Now put it to rest. No signs, then no crazy.
All you can do is to have your eyes and ears open and if something smell fishy again, then you can put your Inspector Gadget suit and go for it.
Sorry, just teasing you because I found my XH in a hotel. The way I found it? I found a charge on his CC done at about 2 -3am. Yes, I was that sick. I knew something was going down and I wouldn't sleep. I was all the time checking on everything.
The I found it. Went to that hotel in the morning and made sure he knew I was there and saw him. I did not make a big scene. I was calm and did nothing to be ashamed of.
Red, I still don't understand why you are so convinced that this is so "finito". It sounds to me sometimes that your H is taking some time to think things over. And there you are, thinking about all the worse scenarios.
I understand that he wants a separation, but he is the one that said that he wants to take it slow and get the D in 6 months.
Use this time to show him that life beside you is not a hell. That life with you can be fun and enjoyable. Why is this confrontation about D5 saying something and then a name came forward and then he is already apologizing for all what he did or didn't do?
Red, I understand it is frustrating, that you need to know in case he is cheating on you. But you need to focus in a bigger prize here. You need to have goals and not show all this panic attack in front of him.
That's why it is important to have other things to do. Because you get busy and you become attractive. You are strong for being independent. You are beautiful for taking good care after yourself. You are amazing for dealing with all the s**t and hell he is giving you and it seems like life is a playground.
Stop today. Give yourself a break in this whole "OW" stuff. Think about what you want. You did not lose him yet, but I am afraid you are losing yourself in a way.
Find the way to center all that attention on yourself. How are the nails today? Are the kids feeling good? Monday is president's day and most schools have a day off. Can you go somewhere with your kids for the weekend?
Just the three of you to have some fun somewhere. Disconnect from all of this. Have some fun with the kids. I am saying this because I did this.
Get yourself busy and let go on the H for now. I am not saying forget him, just let go for a little bit. Enjoy some mom time and go with it.
Yeah, it is not like your head will suddenly be empty and you won't think about your sitch, but you will have also some time to relax and think quiet. Besides giving him something to think about and miss.
Look at yourself and find out what you need to feel better today, and then do it.
V- Intel sounds better then snooping. I will remember that lol.
Pink- I am putting it to rest for now. Promise.
He confuses me, sometimes he acts like he needs to figure things out and other he is saying he definitely wants a divorce and he is done with me. Every time he says he wants the divorce I start thinking it is more and more real and happening and bring myself down.
Yes he said he wants to wait until I have a job, and school etc and at least 6 months. He got into an argument with his dad even because his dad said if he is so certain he should file and let me move on with my life and he told his dad no, he will take as long as he needs to before we do it.
I agree, I feel like I was starting to find myself and now I have dug myself into a bigger hole of not knowing who I am and getting lost. I let this last week with him keep talking about the D make me loopy.
My nails actually look awful today LOL. They are gross and chipped, I should fix that today. I have been putting it off for the last 2 days. The kids are good, they are happy. We are having a Vday party at d5 school tomorrow. I am the class mom but s3 and d5 both get to go to the party. I have turkey, crackers, cheese, cupcakes for them and all the other parents are sending things in as well. It SHOULD be a great morning before nap time!
H is suppose to be off all weekend but he has not told me his weekend schedule and I am not asking. I actually have been wanting to take the kids to the zoo or kids museum in orlando. We haven't gone in so long and even if it is long drive it would be fun.
Since our separation we have done nothing fun with the kids. Not really, we usually have year passes to theme parks and always on the go with them. They have been stuck at home bored for weeks on end. We have had year passes to legoland, seaworld, disney etc. We ALWAYS have fun with them.
I really think I want to take them somewhere Sunday- Monday. Depending on when H works, if he works on Vday I think I might drive 2 hours to the big zoo. It is bogo to go so 42$ for 3 or 50$ for 4 tickets to the zoo, plus unlimited train rides,and extras etc etc. I could ask a friend or one of my sisters if they want to come on a free adventure with me!
I do think I need a small get away. I have no school, the kids are off, It would be a very nice way to spend valentines day this year. Of course if he wants them he can keep them but them maybe I will go out on an adventure with myself.
Quote:
Think about a 180 that he does not know. For example. If you get a text, don't just ignore it. Give sometime and then answer him with some fun. There is anything fun you guys had when you were at the start of your R. Bring it up in a very small scale.
Like a smiley face, or a tiny quote w/a little cat, bird, dog. Make it fun. Remind him how it was in a very discrete way.
If he calls, you may not answer him. Once you decide to answer, be prepare to not let him talk first. Start telling him about something silly like: Oh! H, you won't believe but our S was eating ice cream and asked for a 2nd one, I couldn't believe this kid can eat so much! HAhahaha!.
Or maybe something else that is fun. Don't go to "about us" subject. I mention the kids because it is for both of you to have fun. It is also a reminder of the family you built together.
No straight words, just a general thing, talk, to make things less heavy. To remind him that life can be fun as a family.
I took this advice today. I tried it, and actually had better results then a- ignoring him or b- being short with one words like I have been. I am not reading into it at all but it was different.
H- Hey How was class? Me- It was great! I have to go back another day, but I had one on one today all day while the rest of the class did book work. H- That is really good, did it help? Me- Yeah I feel super confident on how I am doing now. Your advice on how to memorize the steps really helped H- Mhmm see! I always knew you could do it
Seems a little better then H- How was class? Me- Fine
I am trying to make today a wonderful day. I did my nails and my hair today. I have been putting it off but finally did it.
I spent the day at D5 preschool with S3 for her school party. I got to laugh and play and actually feel good. It has been too long since I had a simple but good day. I took lots of photos so if H calls I can tell him all the funny stories and maybe tell him I took photos and I'll show him next time I see him or something.
H asked to keep the kids overnight on sunday and he will come over saturday night for a few hours as well. I am preparing myself to spend all V day absolutely alone, I'm trying to think of something to do with myself to try to make it a great day. I do not know he wanta them so bad on Vday. Maybe tl show me he has no plans and will going no where. Maybe to make sure I am absolutely alone. Maybe so HE isnt home alone. WHO KNOWS but I'm trying to not think about it.
I made plans with the kids to go out breakfast and then go to this kids valentines event tomorrow. I really am looking forward to that. I will have lots of fun things to tell H about. Im GAL and BRINGING THE KIDS. I FINALLY realized GAL doesnt just have to be me going out at night with the girls to drink or whatever.
GAL can be taking the kids to the zoo, getting breakfast with a friend, taking my kids places. WAY more fun for me and involves my favorite little people. I think this will be good.
I might take myself somewhere different for valentines day. Maybe go see a movie alone-how to be single is out and that looks funny. Maybe go get a pedicure, go shopping, celebrate that I am a fabulous person.
I had a guy (gorgeous 34ys old firefighter) ask me out today. He gave me his work schedule for a month, asked me if those days didnt work he would change his schedule and switch days. He is currently going threw a divorce and its how we bonded at a family christmas party in january. I do not really know him much besides he is very nice to me and thinks I'm gorgeous.
I never talk to him, he just randomly texted me (got my number from someone) to tell me my new photo my stepsister put on facebook that I looked absolutely gorgeous. I didnt tell him no but I didnt say yes because I was uncomfortable and I'm like umm we will see( maybe try to make it a big group outing). I feel like it would be nice to go out with a guy who thinks I am nice and funny and actually wants to take me somewhere..but at the same time I feel that even if we went as friends alone I would see it as cheating. If I found out my H did that I would flip out or feel hurt. He is very sweet but also technically we are both married and I see this as horrible situation.
I have no guy friends so I dont know. I feel like right now the only guy friend and guy advice I need is you guys here like squiggy. I am lonely, I miss being wanted, I miss having a guy chase me and want me but that only man I want is my H. I asked my sister for advice. Hers was " the best way to get over a man is to get under another one." I figured you guys could give me advice on if Im being crazy.
At least today is NOT all talk about my H. I chit chatted this morning with him, kept it simple and quick.
Anyways there is my venting- morning journal for today
You are so mature for your age. I feel kind of ashamed for the immature soul I am sometimes.
Yes you got it. GAL is a mix of things that you do to get yourself to a life you left somewhere long ago. It's like getting back with an update.
You do fun things with your kids... this time getting yourself to enjoy it and not just press the automatic bottom (Yes, been there, done that, I have three).
It is getting your nails and hair done, you make yourself important and you feel good about taking care after yourself. (Did this too, put myself in the last of the list).
It is getting a pair or pants or a blouse, nothing much, just a gift to yourself to let you know that you are doing good.
Some GAL alone. Like I said, I did long walks to clear my mind. Alone time doesn't mean lonely time. Alone time is your choice, and you chose to give yourself space to think, meditate.
And some GAL is going out with some friends for a happy hour, or dancing, or dinner, coffee. Going out at night makes you feed your mature side. You see people your age, you talk to different people, you engage in some flirting what does not hurt.
That and a lot more is GAL. The good news is that it is all for you.
Reg the firefighter. First, what is this with you and uniforms? LOL I think your situation with your H is not really defined yet even as separation. Going out in a group should be fine, no much danger there. And there is nothing wrong to talk to him. Maybe you can both help each other at this time.
Getting together for the wrong reasons will only bring more pain for both of you tough. He is lonely, hurt and you feel the same way. It is easy to lean on each other and things can spice up very fast from there.
And I agree with you, if your H knows about it, then there is a lot to fight about. Maybe with time, depending of how things will develop then a date wouldn't hurt.
But that is just my HO.
I think you are doing very good Red. It's not easy and yet you are allowing yourself to learn, to identify your faults, to try things that may bring back the spark between you and H, you are re learning to be fun, spontaneous, optimistic and I see that in the same time you are thinking about your career and how much money you can make, you have your L information that you need.
You came a long way already in a very short time. You are awesome. Keep the good work.
I sometimes feel like I am a 30yr old stuck in a 24yr old body(and I just turned 24 a few months ago). My 4 closest friends are 40,36,30,25 so I am the baby out of my friends but have always been an older soul is what my friends say..but trust me I can act like a 16-24 year old too lol.
I think GAL alone when I want it to be like go see a movie alone or go on a long walk alone as long as I choose to be alone I will not feel so lonely.
I am excited to finally feel like I'm getting the GAL. BEFORE I was just concentrating on going out to party like my wah but it just isnt me which is why I wasnt having fun with my gal.
Well pink, men are uniform are sexy LOL. I always go for a man in uniform for some reason. In highschool it was the rotc boys( highschool air force boys.)
You are NOT the ONLY person who thinks our separation is not a real separation. His best friend even tells him all the time that our separation is the weirdest version of "separation" that we could come up with and makes no sense at all.
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE MY SITUATION? I am curious how others see it. Especially on here vs my friends.
In my eyes I am in a horrible separation, with a husband who wants a divorce, and I cant decide if Im in denial about him really going to leave or not. (Somedays on my bad days this is my thought process)
Okay so FRIEND is okay, GROUP is okay but I'm not crazy for not wanting one on one alone time yet or for awhile until I feel like that is a thing to do.
I am doing my best! I really am trying to take all the advice you all give me. I know that it is the opposite of what I want to do but I really want to know, if my M fails, I can say I gave it 110% and not have that what if I did more regret and feelings.
Love Red
Ps my name was suppose to be rednails since I had red nails that day but I left off the s and now I smile everytime I log in because it reminds me to do my darn nails.
