Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Back again 8 years later

Had a pretty good weekend. Went to sons game together. Was just like old times. We came home and had a few drinks together and talked and talked forever. She even said that she was going to ask if I wanted to go to a party at a brewery that her girlfriends BWe reminisced about some old good times, then she said she doesn't know how much I want to be involved with her finding a place for the separation. I told her that I don't want her to leave. I said if you could just open your heart a tiny bit...She said do you know how much pressure that puts on me? So, I don't know if she is going to stay or not. We talked like best friends again so maybe there is hope. Got her a nice gift that she loved for V day and we spent the day together watching tv and she was just as pleasant as before. Kinda felt like I was feeding a squirrel. I don't want to make any sudden moves but....when she has accused us of not having any intimacy or talking, it's hard to know what the line is between smothering and improving our M. She has made comments here and there that seem like she is waiting to see changes. Maybe she has a small glint of hope that somehow I change her mind. That's alot of pressure. I really don't know what to do.

I have been in denial over our situation. I asked her pointblank yesterday if she was still going to move out. She said coldly, "yes I am going through with my plan".

I am tired of living in limbo and her giving mixed messages. I told her that I would like for her to have a place by end of month. She will hear nothing of working on M and says she has no more fight. Just doesn't want to be married.

Said we have been down this road before and are right back here so it would happen again. I tried to reason with her (stupid move) that we are both in individual counseling so it is different than our last go around 8 years ago. I asked her if she has any thoughts that her feelings might change with some space of the separation. She stated that she doesnt believe anything will change. She then asked me "Arent you afraid I will like being out on my own". I answered, what choice do I have. She is determined to do the single working woman parent thing. Never has lived out on her own before but this is what she wants.

She is on her mission to find herself and my son, me and our lives will be the casualties. I would sure appreciate some feedback especially since I have never been through a separation before. Do they EVER want to come back? Seems so remote of a chance. She also has said that she read a book about codependency. Says thats us. I dont agree, but thats her thoughts.

M-50 W46
S-13
ILYBNILWU again 1-15-2016
Wants sep. 2-12-2016

They absolutely come do come back after seperation. I'm back here again but I've DB'd before and got her back after a separation.

Not gonna lie, it hurts like hell but if you can remain calm and not turn into a weeping mess, you have a fair shot.

Read up on the success stories, there's plenty of them.

Talk to your IC about the codepedency, it's worth exploring.

Thanks Thornton. Will do. I got home from work tonight and she started in telling me about her day at work. I guess my question is WTH? Why so anxious to tell me anything if she wants out soooo bad. Do I continue to be a good listener or what? In her mind the hill is so high for us its seems insurmountable. Time will tell. It's hard to stay angry. Anger makes it easy. Thornton if you dont mind me asking, was it just complacency by you both as to why youre back?

Just reading quite a few posts and have seen some that have been DB for 5 or more years. I am not judging anyone, just talking out loud. I read something (can't find it now) that i believe Sandi posted some years back. Asking if us LBS are that in love with our wives or whether it is more the lifestyle of marriage that we are mourning. Having someone there, the family time, the security etc. I am wrestling with that question daily as my wife has said she is done as is looking to separate.

How long will I be willing to DB? I am not a young man.(50). So how much time am I supposed to wait for someone who has decided to check out to decide to recommit? She has done things in the past to hurt me, but I forgave and moved forward. I dont know. I do love her when I think of how she used to be. There is still much love now, but when asked if it's her that you love the most or the lifestyle, security and oneness of marriage I am not sure of the answer. The angrier I become at her the more one sided my answer becomes. Thoughts from anyone?

Hmmm. I will just try to keep a positive attitude and work on me and fight for the best.

Hey daybyday,

Only you can answer that question of when to give up. I think you will just know when it's time.

A good way to tell is if you still feel sad or angry because that means you are still emotionally connected. If you were done, you wouldn't feel anything at all. Indifference.

When your W talks to you, it is a great opportunity to validate her. Make her feel like you are TRULY hearing her. Wonka has a thread on validation, I highly encourage you to check it out.

This is a confusing time so don't jump to any decisions. You will fluctuate daily. It's truly a roller coaster. Ride these feelings out.

Have you read Divorce Remedy yet?

Thanks for the reply Thornton. I have read it the last time I was here but prolly need to read again. I am trying to now look at this as a marathon and not a sprint. I have it in my mind to stay positive that I WILL win her back at some point. Progress each day is what I will be shooting for.

Yup, read DR if you haven't.
You've got the huge advantage of still being in contact with her. There are so many things you can do to help turn things around if you choose to do so. Not that any of it is easy.

I can see I did everything wrong. Even the last talk I had with her. I was following advice from another marriage specialist, and boy was it off the mark.

Although many things seem counter-intuitive, just do it. I had actually started to get there, but it's too easy to go into defense mode when they push the buttons. And those shiny jolly red buttons are too much of a temptation for them not to push. So rather than stop, I'd fight back. Validate, then validate some more. Know when to back off.

Sandi2 has many things broken down into a cheat sheet you can quickly refer to as well.

Thanks alot 1313. Will get right on it.