Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Yesterday's gone. Tomorrows not here... (3)

Pinn,

I wish I had some good advice for you. I'm new to db'ing so I'm hopeful that a veteran will come along and help you. I'm anxious to see what those with experience say. Because it seems like detaching has caused your W to realize you are a great H and she misses you. I see some things in the text that could be positive, but you know her best and based on your response it seems like you think there's no hope.

I agree you need to validate her feelings that it's been hard and I wouldn't say much about talking to her family (it may come off as defensive). Beyond that I'm not sure if you need to say anything else. Maybe validating her feelings and seeing what she says to "start communicating". I'm hoping you get some experienced db'ers that can tell you the best path to take. Thinking of you.

Hi broke,

Thanks for stopping by. Actually, I have heard 'great' or 'best' husband since BD, since before BD. There is nothing I hate more than hearing that from her actually. It gets my blood boiling. Clearly it is not true... you don't leave the 'best' husband. I don't think she misses me so much but I know she would miss everything else associated with being with me. Luckily, we gravitated towards my friends when we got together... so she lost all her close gf's for the past 6 years besides 1. Yea, I don't feel like it is a good text.

I am thinking of saying something like this...

I do realize how hard this has been on you. Trust me. You have lost a lot. I am sorry if you feel like I am not communicating well, I am just trying to respect the fact that you are going in a different direction with your life.

But I am not sure how to finish it to make it a little more friendly and breezy... hmph

ehhh... I'm leaving out the truth dart and just going to talk about the tax papers and validate her feelings about her losses. I don't feel like this is the right time for that truth dart. That text was not sent out of anger.

Sounds to me like she is starting to think about moving things forward toward D... not necessarily a bad thing.

We shall see! I still feel good either way.

ended up leaving it in there... I replied with this..

Good morning! Thanks for getting those tax documents together.. I appreciate that... I park at your work on Wed and you could leave them in my car if you want to save a trip up here... I know it is hard for you and I know you lost a lot to... Ive thought about that actually.. I understand... there is no upper hand for either of us... im sorry if you feel like I have shut you out.. I am just respecting the fact that you are moving in a different direction with your life

she comes back with this...

How do you know if I'm moving in any direction in my life if you won't talk to me... we need to be able to communicate.. we are going to have to face each other eventually.. I hate that you deal with things this way (this line is a bit puzzling to me... I feel like I was the exact opposite, I'll have to think about it). Why don't you want my dropping them off??

I said... I just don't think it would be best to drop them off here

and then the phone call came... i had to pick up.. I was trapped, we had just been texting...

whoa... not sure exactly what just happened there.... the tears were flowing on her end.... I validated constantly and remained pretty even keeled... lot going on in the mind of that one at the moment... she was all over the place. She wishes this, she wishes that, she's so sad, she's not happy etc etc... I just validated where I could and didn't talk about any relationship stuff or ask questions on my end... I just let her flow. That was the first phone convo in about 7 months and I didn't have trouble with it. This has to be detachment. She says her therapist told her to cut contact with me... but my WW doesn't think that was the best move.

Lot's of stuff to try and digest from here. After sometime, and when she seemed to have calmed down a bit, I gently let her go. Interesting convo though, we will see if it goes any where else.

Call me an optimist, I think W misses you Pinn.

Even her therapist said to continue NC and she couldn't do it.

Great job being even keeled!

I could be wrong but I'm excited for you!

Thanks Thornton... No excitement on my part for sure. I am sure she misses bff pinn.... Not sure she misses husband pinn though.

The therapist thing was in regards to our first few months apart. She kept saying I wouldn't communicate... But from August through mid December she hardly ever contacted me... So I just told her i was letting her live life as I lived mine during that time... Not sure if she is still seeing that therapist or not... She was jumping between topics so quick it was hard to keep track.

Thanks for the support!

One way to find out. Let's see how this plays out in the weeks ahead. Clearly she isn't happy without you either.