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Lol it was funny, this badass brought a target gift card figuring there was all sorts of baby crap she could buy in there.... No wrapping and I told her she should be counting her lucky stars that I've made it a point to put myself in awkward situations in the name of "personal growth"

Yes my son is also all about mine craft, I don't get that one at all... Horrible Grafics but the kids love it... He just has to plants vs zombies II

Thanks M, when as I remain your biggest fan and when your husband does finally wake I hope he figures out how to successfully kick himself in the balls ... Lol

This is what I have noticed.



I remember hearing similar many times, but that was quite a while ago. My wife knows her husband is a good deal for her, and deep down yours does too!



The fact that she wants to do stuff with you means a lot, Cali. Many spouses would love to have that. Build on it!



I found mirroring to be a very valuable tool. I could give my wife space, while still being there for her. As you know, this sometimes takes a lot of strength! But I believe our spouse's see this strength... and it is attractive.



My wife did the psychic thing too! Ok, mostly because girlfriend was going, but still... it's all about searching for something, right? This is stuff they need to do, for them. And the fact that she shares this (and other stuff) with you? Priceless! Really a good sign there, Cali.



Good luck, urging never worked for me no matter how gently. They gotta wanna on their own. And, I believe it is possible for them to do it without outside help.

Just thought I would update/journal a little bit … the weekly Monday report for me.



Things have been failry uneventful, to be honest I have been letting W have her space, ignoring the testing, basically just doing my own thing. The week was filled with her doing things after work so she has not been getting home for a few hours which gives me more time to hang solo with S, sure one could be irritated at this but in my mind I feel like I am kinda living solo like when I had my own apartment. Friday rolls around and W calls me up, apparently had a bad day (PMS time is here) I STFU and listened but did not take her long to find something I said or didn’t say offensive, ended the call shortly after. Once I got home with S, I dropped him off and left … figured I would go take advantage of the sale … I was gone for a few hours and bought myself 3 new shirts and a couple pairs of pants along with new shoes. Stuff like this I RARELY did in the past … but now I just feel at times I need to do some ‘me’ type things. Came home and W seemed to have changed her mood a bit, I showered and went to play my gig.

Saturday pretty quiet really, W went out and did her thing (Gym with her ‘friend’), I took S out to the baseball fields and we tossed it around a bit, then went and did the grocery shopping. Went home and W arrived not long after we did, ended up watching a movie (Old School) .. one of my all time favorites which strangely enough is now one of W’s favorites all the sudden, not sure where this one came from as its usually not her cup of tea. Predictable she fell asleep … S and I finished it up and watched another movie afterwards to which I then fell asleep.

Sunday we went out to church together as it was a big school function for S, it struck me that we had not been to church together in some time. It then kind of hit me how detached from W I have felt since her spew session last Friday. After church we went out and had breakfast, home and I took a tiny nap before taking S to a birthday party (W could not be bothered with this she had things to do) I was planning on staying for the party but it was definitely a “Drop your kids off” type thing, so I went and washed my car … watched a bit of the playoff game and picked S up a few hours later. I took him home and dropped him off with W, told her I was going to run some errands and would be back later. I jumped on the Harley and went for a ride, decided to check out 13 Hours … good movie, I didn’t get home till about 7 and walked into the “Where were you, with who?” interrogation. After putting S down to bed W sparked a bit of a mini R talk. I have no doubt my outing had something to do with it especially since I did not give many details nor felt the need to. She said many things, for the most part I validated here and there but also had to truth dart a few things and expose her rewritten history quite a bit. At one point I actually laughed and told her just today she could not remember where she put her license but somehow has the uncanny ability to vividly remember something trivial from 2001?? I told her I could not recall much of anything from back then but I knew for a fact how she remembers certain things are far from how I recall them, ya know … the miserable marriage …. How we do not mix … 25 years together and we are not compatible. After a bit I kind of seen things from above, realizing she was testing and trying to wrap her head around why I was still there after all she has done, she said certain things to this effect. Then started ramping up and knowing full well where that goes I excused myself from the conversation, went to brush and get ready for bed. She ended up following me … more truth darts from me and a very firm boundary reminder that I was not going to be her punching bag nor be disrespected, however I would be happy to continue discussing anything she felt the need to talk about provided it could be done so calmly. She dropped it and went to bed.

This morning she approached me, looks like another sleepless night for her (Was me to but was not going to show it) … she apologized, I was a bit confused and asked her specifically what she was apologizing for as she said many things last night, she replied all of it, for hurting me so much, and then started crying about how I see her after all this. I tried to assure her that I did not view her the way she described … its obvious she is just starting to open up and see the damage done … not sure if she will run back in and not want to deal with it, can’t

say I would blame her it’s a lot to deal with.



So things are still chugging along, W is still in crisis and will be for some time I have accepted this, the boundaries have helped me keep things civil. Last night she mentioned D again, also mentioned me moving out but wants time to land a full time position (She is currently contract) …. I pointed out how I felt like she was just using me financially and seems to have closed the door on the M, she seemed to think these were 2 separate things. Honestly I think she is just testing to see if I will leave, if I will push for D, its almost like she has caught a whiff of the stink she created and can not understand why I am still here, so in a way she attempts these little tantrums to sabotage things just to see if I will blow up like the old Cali, when I don’t it seems to confuse her and she goes back in a bit and works some more. Just things I have observed at this point.



So on the ME side … Softball and football start up here in about 3 weeks so my GAL lifestyle will be back to normal, I am looking forward to that. Work has been busy and good. S is doing well… till next week.

Just thought I would journal/timeline a bit.



This past week has been pretty uneventful, at least on the surface and as I gave it some thought I realize I had a few tests tossed at me that old Cali would have taken bait and reacted, the person I am now …. I feel like an old war vet, I can hear the mortars coming in before they even hit and I will either get up and move out of the way long before the explosion, or with the expereineced ear I realize I am far enough from the blast zone I will not get any shrapnel. Couple things .. Wednesday W went to the gym with ‘friend’ … she had also gone Saturday. I could easily spin and get worked up but why … she will do as she does regardless and to this point she could have easily chased him as OM2 long before trying to patch things up with me. Does it bother me .. a little as I do not think the relationship with him is ‘good’ for our M, but at this point there is still no M so no sense brining that up to someone still in crisis and doing what she wants. This ‘friend’ was there during the entire replay episode and seemed to support W during this phase and I suspect his angle was to be the friend that may turn into more .. bottom line I do not trust him. Now this could very well just be me and my hurts speaking out as he and OM have several similarities …. My approach currently, not a battle I need to fight right now as we are nowhere near reconciliation and when and if we do get there I do hope I can have an honest conversation with W about how I feel about this. Other hot button thing was she ran out to her car to ‘make a phone call’ …. I have no idea who she called nor why she required her privacy, one could spin and think OM, OM2 … Easter Bunny, Santa … who knows but I was surprised with the fact I really did not care … I have arrived at a point I do not trust her but I do trust I will find out if something is headed towards A. Truth is looking at the past several years she has hurt me to the point I have had to rebuild myself and continue to do so, not to say she still cannot hurt me …. But she has not been cold/distant as she would IF there was someone else in the picture. Again … I noticed more about how I am handling these things more than what she is actually doing or not doing.

So as I have shared .. the mornings have been nice, almost borderline normal as she has seen me off every day this week with a hug, toes on my feet … those little things. Even this morning she mentioned she was going to grab a salad at this place that is close to my work, funny .. I just looked at her as I typically just listen and STFU, her look changed and she said “ya know .. just figured ….” I asked then if she would like to meet for lunch figuring this was a coded invitation .. she said Yes but we would have to eat quickly. I am not counting on lunch but thought it was nice she seemed to reach out a bit more as she has slowly been doing all week.

I have a few things going on/coming up. My lease is up on my vehicle and I have really been thinking about a new truck, I could use it for work and it would really be nice with S turning 9 in a week as he and I discussed last night he wants to take more trips, camp, fish, just BOY stuff. I laugh … many of you may not know I was born and reaised in Nebraska … this little kid has ALL that in him and more and just loves the outdoors stuff. So regardless of Ws remarks (I had mentioned I am thinking about a truck … she does not approve) I am really thinking about it, thinking I can get into one for about the same amount of what I am paying now .. time will tell should know about this next week.

My GALS are about to crank up, Ss baseball starts and I coach, so that’s 2 nights a week, I have Softball in 2 weeks which locks up Thursdays, Football in the same timeframe on Sundays (Which will have me attending mass Saturday evenings here and there) and I still have my Gig on Friday night. I will be a busy guy and I am looking forward to that, will give me some space from W as she continues her journey. I think it’s good for me, living my life and doing my thing and she will do what she will.

The lease is up in the condo we are in come May. Financially I will be in a good place because either way I will be in my own place, or maybe we find a small house to rent. Nothing has been mentioned to this point but I cannot help to at least plan for either option in my mind. I do know one thing, I am not going to live there past May … W may want to extend the lease there and if she does that is her choice, living there for me comes with the bag of triggers knowing the A and OM were in full bloom, I have handled it to this point but I am just not going to expose myself to the constant reminders especially if we are not actively working on the M …. It’s very much a ‘Don’t ask Don’t tell’ approach for me, W may induce mini R talks here or there but that seems based on how far I seem to pull away from her and usually leans towards D talk …. My stance on that has never changed other than calling her bluff on it. At this point I am good either way, I do know and realize she is not able to work on the M because she has so much work to do on herself, this seems to be done in small chunks with long rest periods in between ….. I feel like a fisherman looking at the bobber in the middle of the lake, little nibble here, little nibble there but I sit here patiently, even stubbornly to see if I can reel the fish in praying it will be a keeper.

You are doing a great job of doing your thing while W does hers. I also like to hear that you are staying focused on your goals and your busy GAL activities coming up! Sounds like you are keeping it about you.

You have had so much happen this last year. So many ups and downs with W, but you have not lost your true self. That is pretty admirable my friend. Your Jedi training has been tested time and time again. You keep your boundaries in place and just keep going!

I was walking my dog this morning and was wondering how your doggie is doing?

Hi Cali, glad to hear you are doing okay and things sound a little steadier. I think a big change for you recently has been lowering expectations and that has made a difference in your reactions. It's like a penny dropped for you and you accepted what is - at least for now.

Good for you on the GAL, sounds like you're going to be a busy guy.....enjoy xx

Thank you M, the dog is doing well... Ya know for a 12 year old blind old dog. It's funny I've been couch camping for a bit as I just do not want to share a bed with anyone who does not want me in it/ or the marriage and that dog, as loyal as ever sleeps next to me regardless of where I am and he can't even see me.

Sotto

Yeah, you are right ... Hindsight and all that I did have expectations and seemed to drink the koolaide thinking I was out of the woods... Did not realize it's most likely years away from that and to be honest there are no guarantees there will be a M left if she emerges. So yeah even if they come home it's far from over in fact it's even harder


Was not sure I was going to even post anything this week (my usual update) but sitting around reading a bit figured I would atleast put down some things if nothing more than to continue a trail of breadcrumbs.



Ws crisis continues (Shocker right?...lol), and it continues to confuse the heck out of me. One night she is talking D (once she lands full time employment) then the next morning it’s a tight hug/feet on toes. I continue to focus on big picture stuff and stay on center as best I can. I typically ride the Harley to the gig on Friday nights, the past few weeks W seems surprised I am riding and pleads that I be careful almost like she cares. I worked my gig and got something in my eyes, both infected as I woke up Saturday morning … W wanted me to go to the hospital to which I told her I would be fine … she ended up leaving to her hair appointment. S has been a bit sick so we took it easy, ended up sneaking out grabbing some lunch and went to see the Kung Fu Panda3 movie… amazing father/son type movie. We came back home W was already back. Ok … more testing from her as earlier she told me she needed to go out and get a jacket for interviews later Saturday, I told her she should just go ahead and go after her hair appointment, she seemed pretty adamant that she had to leave around 4. I have no idea what she did nor where she went but predictable she did not find a jacket she liked, or would pay for. I fought the spin a bit… can not prove anything one way or another so I have just accepted I do not trust her and left it at that, it bugs but not on a level 10 like in the old days.

Sunday woke up early and walked the dog, then went to church alone as W was preparing to get ready for Ss birthday party. I have been asking God a good deal of questions as of late and thus far every answer has been perseverance, patience and the like … to stay put and not move. Its very hard not to press one way or the other for me but I have been holding it down for now. At church (Ironically the scripture was the famous Corinthians 13:4-8) the priest recognized a couple who were there celebrating their 60th … yes 60th, anniversary. I thought .. wow … one thing to live that long, quite the other to not have killed off a spouse. Then my eyes which have been all infected began to well up a bit as I realized 3-4 pews worth of this couples legacy sat and celebrated with them. Children, Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren all witness to this monumental achievement and I thought what a wonderful gift to share with your family as to how a marriage should be. I felt a mixture of amazement and jealousy all at once, hard to explain but it stirred up some powerful emotions and I spent the remainder of the mass meditating on what it was God has been teaching me these past few years. Again … hold true, stay the course and be the rock/lighthouse.

I arrived home and W asked me how was mass, in replied in one word …”Powerful” she then wanted to know so I shared a bit careful not to go to overboard, nor to sound ‘preachy’. After we got ready and went to S’s Birthday party and had a great time. W and I both took turns with the kids in the Lazertag rounds and had a good time. The rain hit and I took all the gifts/leftovers and put them in the car. We loaded in and began driving home, talked about food and decided to stop off so we did not have to cook. As I am driving W points to turn … however its faster to go straight then turn . SMH .. always about control with her she asks for me to drive but she has to be in control of how we get there (I still think this all stems from respect lost along the course of the M and my attempts to regain this … might be a source for future self thought for me, is there an issue here for me or not?) , we have fought about this before, this time was no different and she was quick to say “This is why I am done with this marriage” to my replay … “Sorry you feel that way but if that’s the reason as I have said before I will not stop you from filing”…. Its irking me she is so fast to pull the D-eject handle these days.

Later that night we had another refresher mini R talk where she again reminded me that we are only living together till she finds full time work, dropped a few things that stuck out like she has not been a good wife for me (guilt I assume) along with a few “If we get divorced” not “when” …. And ended with asking me if I thought this decision was easy for her, she even brought up the fact she could not divorce me previously (Something I asked her about a few weeks ago). I reaffirmed its not what I want, but I also do not want ‘this’ current place but if she chose to simply throw me away there was little I could honestly do about that. Her reply was along the lines she was not ‘throwing me away” implying we would be buddies and all that…. I told her Divorced to me meant I would no longer be there for her (implying that was not fair and I considered it cake eating, nor would it be fair to whomever I would end up moving on with, reminding her of how I dropped rope completely back in Nov14, … I truth darted a bit here and there and left her with my opinion, sure she could land any guy she really wanted with her looks, but those looks only go so far and she has to find someone who loves and accepts her for all she is. This was in response to her telling me I was merely there for her looks, I reminded her that was OM, not me (she had shared this last year and projected his actions onto me) … sure she is attractive and has become more so over the years… physically. I thought about it today, She used to be beautiful to me when she had no idea how beautiful she was, so to me it was on the inside and the outside …. After MLC seems a touch of narcissist touched down and that’s really not attractive, so now to me she is just pretty, not beautiful.

So … who knows, this morning she came in as I was in the middle of praying and hugged me. She files or she doesn’t its really on her with this as it always has been throughout this crisis, in my mind one way or the other I want to know where I am at, divorced I take the road to the left, Married the road to the right I have shoes for either path.



Just a tidbit, as I left this morning she was listening to her Pandora, I looked and caught the song and the fact it had the little orange ‘liked’ button, I pulled the song up and wow, almost perfect for a MLC wife who has been a clinging boomerang to her LBH “Gravity” by Sara Bareillas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_U6iSAn_fY

^^^^ You're right. What a song! I could send it to W or she could send it to me. I wish she'd send it to me...

Hi CaliGuy, thanks for your journaling. It is helpful to me to see the struggle even if W and I ever moved in together. It is daunting...

A couple of thoughts, first your W continuing to bring up divorce to you, is I think frankly a form of emotional abuse. I can't remember where I saw this on the board, but I remember someone saying that when there is a destructive pattern building in a R, the LBS should consider doing something to change the rut that they are in. Perhaps a show telling your W that you are not going to tolerate her talking about divorce anymore, she can file if she wants to but you are not going to discuss it before then, and when she does mention divorce you walk away.

Second, I hate seeing that you can't talk to your W when you hear an exciting sermon or an insight from the Bible. I know I felt like this in my marriage before the BD. And looking back now it feels like we are removing something which we are passionate about. And anytime a husband is passionate about something, that is always attractive.

wow, you have taken a lot over the years. You are a special person for this. Amazing that she can not see this