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Thanks for all the birthday wishes, friends! Mike, your card was really sweet. Berto, thanks for chatting this morning.

I had some moments of truthfulness and clarity yesterday. I will admit that I spent most of the afternoon after I left work wiping the tears away. But they were cathartic in nature and the kind that helps me deal with the conflict in its true light.

Let's start with the fact that Mr. Wonderful did not purchase any presents for me. He was not deliberately being mean or spiteful. I think this reflects his true feelings about me--nothing more than someone else he knows.

He phoned yesterday when I was attending D10's art exhibit. I didn't pick up the call because 1) I was at the library; and 2) I was talking to a bunch of D7's special ed teachers. His voicemail started like this:

MW: "Hey, Bets, I know you're not talking to me, so will you have D10 return this call and tell me if you ever received the form for D7's Daddy & Me Breakfast? Also, I want to ask D10 if I can come to lunch with her on Thursday."

Hmmmm. I was avoiding his calls last week, but yesterday's was not deliberate in avoidance.

Next issue. D (my boss) had requested us to pick a night to go to dinner. He gave us 3 choices for this week, and the one that seemed feasible did not work out. He called D back and left him a voicemail saying:

"Hey, Thursday won't work for me since I promised a friend I would bowl for him. Things don't look good next week either."

I think this avoidance thing is contagious...

Lastly and most importantly, I finally understand that the reason he doesn't want a divorce or to work on reconciliation is because both paths require effort.

That is the crux of everything here. He likes doing nothing. He likes not being responsible or making decisions. Getting a D would require a lot of time, money and effort to finish the split. Working on reconciliation also requires more than just showing up somewhere.

With this, I realized something earth shattering. I don't love this man. I loved the man I married--the guy who loved me back and treated me like his only love. The father of my girls. But that guy has been gone for a few years now. Frankly, I don't think that guy is ever coming back because it requires too much effort and thought.

And I don't love the man who doesn't stand for anything. Really.

So as always, the ball is in my court. I'll spend the next month or so really devoting energy to what I want to happen. I really don't want to be in a M where separation is going to linger indefinitely.

To quote BB King: The thrill is gone.

Wow, it feels much better to have this truth present itself because the truth always helps us make better decisions for ourselves.

Just keep swimming.

Bets

to quote run dmc WORD UP

{{{{Betsey}}}

What happened the bb was doing well and all of a sudden it has taken a down turn.

Bets-
Your daughters have both seen you fight, and fight hard for this M. You have learned a great deal about yourself, and R's and M's...you have become a new and more wonderful person.

You have done a DAMN good job at DBing, and you're right, he does seem comfortable. Maybe Mr. W thinks that he could never possibly lose you? Maybe some more decisive action is what's needed for him to realize he has to get off his duff and pay his dues, M-wise. Whatever you choose to do, I know it will be a decision made with great love, wisdom, and a lot of reflection.
((((((((((Bets)))))))))
Myrrh

Pam,

Berto and I were chatting about this very subject earlier this morning... maybe we're all tied to some loony lunar cycle? After all, Mercury is retrograde now through the end of the month.

For anyone who cares to know, retrograde position to the sun makes it appear as though Mercury is behind the sun. It "catches up" at the end of the month and resumes its direct position (seemingly ahead of the sun).

I was actually explaining this to D10 after dinner last night. I asked her if she remembered Gramp saying that the suicide rates appear to be rampant at the time of a full moon? He showed us a bridge over Rock Creek where the suicides on full moons were commonplace for years (and still are).

We discussed the gravitational pull by the moon, how it affects tides, menstrual cycles and moods... Well, when Mercury is retrograde, communications become difficult. It becomes a cycle where misunderstandings occur frequently and nobody seems to get along.

I'm not saying that my issues with Mr. W. and those between Optimist and her H, and everyone else here is a result of the lunar cycles.

But I will say that many of us have been traveling this DB path for quite awhile. Berto and I nearly share an anniversary on joining the BB... and like all things in life, I really believe that some things have to take their course naturally.

I always have an option of just "hanging out" until Mr. W. decides to do something. But what is his incentive? Nobody seems to have any effect on him and asking him for accountability.

He's not mean or unreasonable. Actually, he's as affable and cooperative as he always has been. Only he's not living at home and sleeping with me.

So Pam, I really think that there are beginnings and endings to just about everything, and I'm ready for both. Sounds like many of us are here.

If anything, this path has given us all dignity and compassion. Hud and I discussed the fact that because of this path, we are more empathetic people and not as likely to make rash judgments about people and circumstances.... We have taught ourselves to accept that nothing is ever what it seems to be.

This in itself is a miracle!

And I finally realize that just because Mr. Wonderful doesn't want to love me the way I want to be loved anymore does not mean I don't deserve it. Or that he's a bad person because he has decided to be truthful with me.

The truth can hurt. But only to the extent that we allow it to. The fact is, not revealing the truth is exponentially more hurtful. At least to me.

Myrrh, thanks for your hug and nice words. My computer isn't going nuts anymore, so I'll initiate a chat shortly--before I get back to work.

BTW, while I was rebooting my PC, I called Mr. Wonderful, who seemed genuinely happy to talk to me. I let him know that I have a hair appt after work, and we discussed details for the rest of the week.

It isn't over until the fat lady sings... but the truth of things will help me invite her to show up to the stadium.

Ya know?

Hey Betsy-

Hope you've got the latest "blahs" out of your system. I know I have missed some of your posts and you may have already addressed these issues, but this is what I see.

Mas Mr. W always lazy and averse to work? When you met him, what made him tick? What were his dreams? What was his passion? How did M cool or end these dreams and passions, if at all? Would he even try to answer the question? Is this man destined and likely to be content to live a passionless life for the remainder of his days? If not, why? My W often accused me of being flatline--of showing no emotion, but a lot of that was my burying the hurt and distance I was feeling from her in our R. If there is any hope, there has to be something deep inside this guy that is crying out for your attention, if you (and he for that matter) could only figure it out.

My W wants respect, acknowldgement, validation, and an open window into my soul. But I've had a hard time providing these due to my personality and the fact that she engages in acts that diminish respect and she can't peer into my soul without also shooting BBs at everything she sees and dislikes. Even though you have changed, is Mr. W still gun shy? What makes him feel safe with you?

If someone could ask Mr. W what he wants out of life, what would he say? Just some shark food for thought. Go Avs!

Merrick

Ok, I'm playing the Optimist today.

What about his comments that he needs to do something about you to your parents, wasn't it?

His dinner with your boss?

It cycles right? But isn't he getting closer?

Quote:

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and like all things in life, I really believe that some things have to take their course

---

Life is full of all kinds of cycles, relationships are no exception. I have to admit I'm a little cloudy about my sitch today too. What you said about beginnings and endings, and being ready for both... I've known that feeling recently and it is an interesting realization.

Betsey, I want you to know that following your sitch has been very educational and uplifting for me, I wish you all the best, and I really feel good things will come to you. Hugs.

Renew

Betsey, what's the best way to find Wiley to invite him over to my thread?