Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The begining of the rest of my new life? (3)

Initial thread:
When is kindness enough? When is kindness enough?

Second thread:
Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

A brief history:
We met in 1998, started dating in 1999.
Started living together in 1999.
We got married in 2003.
Our first kid was born in 2006 and the second one in 2008.
Very much in love until 2008.
I am from the mainland and W from this archipelago where I started working.
I knew I wanted to live in this paradise forever. Wife didn’t.
I resisted moving to the mainland the best way I knew: by avoiding talking and expressing emotions. By passive resistence.
We grew apart.
I got a job abroad in 2011.
Wife and kids joined me in 2012.
We kept doing the same things, each one living its parallel life.
Stopped having sex in 2013. Being the high drive I could no longer stand the rejection when looking for physical closeness.
I took W for granted and thought vows would hold us forever together, so although unhappy I would live like that indefinitely.
Having become a house wife made W deeply unhappy.
W depressed from January 2014 onwards.
BD in June 2014.
Complete shock.
Pursued, begged, cried.
Things kept getting worse until December, when W had a psychotic event.
Between January and June I applied DB principles the best I could.
Lots of introspection. Found I was afraid of W and a nice guy.
Focused on the kids, became even better dad than before.
June 2015 a small miracle happened: with me no longer pursuing, W got closer and closer and I started expressing emotions.
We reconciled. ML for the first time in two years.
We were a family again.
July 2015 W flies to home country with kids and I stay behind working.
W calls and tells she needs space so we should stop all contacts.
When I fly home for summer vacation in August she announces she wants to D me.
Back in this foreign country she finds a new flat.
September 7 we tell the kids.
They don't take it well and cry for hours.
Until the end of September we live as a happy family.
W and kids move out on 1st of October.
Routines are established: The kids sleep over every other weekend and every Tuesday and Thursday.

I will start this third thread with the Waiver, by Melodie Beattie (from her book of More Language of Letting Go).
I have printed it, dated and signed it.
It's in my bedroom wall now.

I am currently trying to answer the following question: Should we LBS try to protect our WW spouses from themselves when their behaviour might impact our children?
My situation is the following.
If you have read my sitch you'll know I am working abroad. STBXW joined a bit later with the kids, leaving her job behind.
Right now she wants the D at all costs. She sais it is the only way she can get to her feet again, think about herself and the kids and move on.
What are the consequences of divorce?
Her status in this foreign country will become dubious, to say the least.
She will lose health insurance.
Our plans are to stay abroad until the kids finish the school year in June. If she becomes illegal she and the kids might be expelled from the country.
Also, she has shown signs of not being very well. She is most likely depressed. One year ago she had a psychotic event. If something like that would happen and she would not have insurance, either her health or her financial condition (evacuation costs, hospitalization, medicine costs) or both could suffer permanently.
I would not say anything if we had no kids. She is now free to make all the mistakes she wishes.
However, expulsion, health and financial well-being all have an immediate impact on the kids.
So, if I don't give her the divorce right now and wait until June I will be protecting her from these potential risks.
So far I have adopted the policy of not opposing D if this is what she wants. Our divorce could be finalized in weeks, we just need to sign one or two documents.
Any thoughts?

I talked to my IC and we agreed that, given the circumstances ,I can delay giving STBXW the divorce as this is in the best interest of the children.
Sometimes I have to simply consider what is more important, even if it seems that STBXW should be the one deciding if she wants insurance or not. Her choices irradiate to my kids and should not leave that out of site.

STBXW just forwarded me an email from S9 teacher.
Last Friday they sat down in class and shared their problems. S9 shared with their colleagues that mom and dad live in different houses. Because of this, another colleague found the courage to announce their parents were also separated.
My S9 got up, crossed the room and hugged his colleague.
STBXW is proud of S9 and says his gesture tells a lot about him.
I really don't know what to tell her.
I would like to reply:
"Dear STBXW,
S9 really has a heart the size of the world. He is an emotionally intelligent person, as we both know. It saddens me, though, that our separation is a topic of our son's sharing. I am sorry you don't share this view and just keep saying that kids are resilient and can endure everything; that our kids are not the first and will not be the last with divorced parents. It saddens me deeply that they don't have and will never have again a family. Shame on you for this email."

I love the waiver ripe, I think I may do the exact same thing.

I wouldn't send that email. The end is full of trying to shame and guilt her and will not help the situation but you already know that. Yes, D and separation is hard on the kids but it doesn't mean they will never have a family again. They will always have a family as long as you are there for them, it just wont be the same as it was before.

Your anger at the situation and wanting her to see the consequences of her actions are driving the last two sentences you wrote. I understand where they come from but it won't help to throw the guilt in her face. She will either see it herself one day or ignore it, you can't control that.

For the last two days my S9's class has been conducting an experiment on discrimination, where half of the class were squares and less privileged and the other half were circles and the elite. They swapped the second day.
The teacher sent an email to all the parents explaining how the experiment had gone the first day and I replied, sharing my opinions and some insights. This is something I never did, although I have always been in contact with teachers and the school. I was more passive in the past, that's for sure.
I received two replies by the school director and school deputy director praising my comments.
I felt immensely proud and realised I miss this, being praised. My STBXW never did it. I am starting to find my second love language, I think.
Anyway, I feel a bit disappointed at me because my email was not entirely innocent: I knew STBXW would read it.
Today, after receiving another email by the teacher concerning the second day of the experience I replied once again. And once again I was partly thinking about STBXW.
I am still not there.
As Azzork has put it, we don't show our changes, we just be.

I have a confession to make.
I invited the lady for dinner.
I decided to do it because I needed to prove myself that I could.
I have come to the conclusion that I have been dependent of my STBXW, needy. She was the second girlfriend I had and after marrying I thought I did not need to put any effort in it, she was mine forever.
This activity would free me from her, would prove that I can be with other women if I choose to. Ultimately, that if I still want to be with STBXW is because I choose to do it and not because I am stuck and cannot find anyone else.
After my invitation for dinner, this lady said she could have lunch, not dinner, and so we did.
It happened yesterday.
I dressed properly, although not formally, and put some cologne.
This is a big 180 for me.
I know that for years STBXW want me to take better care of myself. I considered that if STBXW loved me she would love me despite the rags I wore. Substance is more important than form, I told myself countless times.
For all of you to see how stupid I was, only after BD I started shaving every day!! And now I cannot go out without a proper shaved face.
We met and I chose the restaurant. This is another thing I learned from these forums. Women like men that take the initiative.
Lunch was pleasant.
We exchanged points of view about our two very different countries, talked about some personal interests and additionally about the purpose of our meeting. She sells facial creams and I wanted to know what she could tell me about taking care of my skin. When I finish DB’ing I will be a true metrosexual, I tell you!!
I never felt attraction for her.
She is beautiful, exotic and has excellent skin, but I never felt I would want more than having a nice talk. This is interesting, because some days ago I fantasized about having sex on our first date (I am in a eight yearlong sexless marriage).
We did not reach the point of going into much detail about our personal life.
I don’t know if she has a boyfriend or not (I would assume she has not, but look at me) and I never told her about my separation and kids.
We did not schedule any follow up meeting.
We will be communicating via email since I was interested in some of the creams she sells.
All in all, it was a very big step I took.
Was it a mere GAL activity or something more dangerous? Was it a way to detach from STBXW or plain and simple treason to my marriage vows?
These questions are present in my mind right now.

Anyway, if I did not believe in a supernatural power, which I do because I am Christian, I would have started believing after yesterday.
Last Thursday was the last time I had the kids with me.
S9 forgot his homework package at my place, so I had to go to STBXW’s place to return it. Otherwise I would only be with the kids this Tuesday.
Before the lunch with the lady I called STBXW and asked if she was home. She said yes and I said I would be at her place in five minutes.
Ten seconds after hanging up, STBXW calls me back. I pick up the phone and it’s S9 on the other side. He asks me if we want to have lunch with them!!
I thought that STBXW had already understood the message.
I will not be taking part in family activities with her and the kids, no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I know the kids would love to. She invited me for her birthday back in October and I declined. Another occasion she invited me to be with them and I also declined. STBXW’s best friend invited me for her birthday and I also declined.
How come that precisely on this day, of all days, the first day in more than 16 years that I am going out for lunch with a woman I am in no relation with, STBXW also invites me to have lunch with my family??

This morning I feel like this:

All’impero d’Amore
Chi non cederà,
S’à lui cede il valore
D’ogni deità?

Le Concert Royal de la Nuit - All'impero d'Amore (Tutti)

I don’t know what STBXW wants from me now.
She is again visibly melting down in the way she addresses me. She is softer in her tone of voice.
Last Tuesday I went, as usual, to STBXW’s house to pick up the kids. She passed me a paper bag with something wrapped up, saying it was a gift from S7.
At night she called to talk to the kids and asked me if I had opened the gift. I hadn’t, because I had not had the time. Since the kids were already in bed I told STBXW I would open it the following day together with S7.
Wednesday STBXW called me again and again asked me about the present, which I hadn’t opened yet.
Later on I opened it. It was a framed drawing made by S7 during Art Class. I hung it on the wall. I asked S7 who had framed the drawing and he replied the teachers had. I think STBXW did it, not the teachers.
Anyway, I felt some discomfort inside caused by STBXW’s questioning about the present.
Why was she asking about it? What did she care about? More importantly, why does she think I should answer?
For a moment I considered that the question is kids-related and so far we have been getting along pretty well when it comes to the kids, talking about everything they do.
But then I realised this is beyond that.
STBXW is asking about my feelings and emotions. But she is not entitled to them anymore. How I reacted is private, is between me and S7. I don’t feel like sharing my feelings with her anymore.
I am now considering establishing a limit by telling her exactly that, that I have already told S7 what I thought about his gift and have nothing else to say.
The problem is that this might ruin the current good relation between STBXW and me when it comes to the kids. And ultimately this would reflect on the kids.