Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Don't know what to do anymore...

When my wife's affair came to light it took 3 months to wean herself off the OM. It was an EM that had just turned physical. You must feel isolated being home alone all day while working. If your distracted you could take a break and exercise or take a walk if the weather is cooperating. Be strong

Thanks, Mutatio.

I have a mixed situation - sometimes I have appointments outside the home, but the next two days are blank on my calendar. In one way okay, I don't know how I'd function with others right now.

H claims he was not in contact with her for 9 months - that he contacted her in September. But those e-mails were way personal in nature.

I guess I'll be spending some time online looking for a place for H to live and a roommate for myself.

Probably need to stock up on dark chocolate...

Painter, sorry to hear about the emails. I don't want to read too much into it, but could be why he has not been into MC.

Why are you wasting your time to find place for your H? He is a big boy and can do that on his own. If you want him out then I would just discuss timeline and he can figure his part out. You can use that time instead to focus on you.

Ritter Sport dark chocolate with hazelnuts is always around this house if you want you swing by some time!!

Just because he won't move out on his own.

OW is drunk-texting me... She is pathetic! Trying to sound high and mighty.

Last night, for the first time, I had contact with OW. I sent her a text and asked her to stop pursuing my H. I don't really think she will, but I wanted to let her know that I know what she's doing, and that she can't say she thought we were separated or that I'm a non-entity that she can push out of her mind.

It was interesting in that she denied nothing and made no excuses. She reminded me extremely of H's ex-wife, who has borderline personality disorder and writes in a strange, formal style that has little to do with reality. It's like they think that if they only write nice and flourishing words that sound good, it doesn't matter what they actually do. I sent a couple of the messages to my stepdaughter, who was also struck by the similarity (H involved his daughter, but she and I are very close, so it backfired on him a little).

It was nice to tell OW what I thought of her actions. At this point, I don't really worry about the consequences.

I woke H up afterwards (I was wide awake and shaking and figured I wasn't going to worry too much about making him sleepless, too) - and he mainly kept reiterating that there was nothing between them.

And no, I wasn't aiming for detachment and I didn't find this approach in DR. But it felt good. I was tired of being so reasonable and calm.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

I called H at work, and he sounded very calm and not unfriendly. We agreed that we had both had very little sleep. I then asked him calmly if he wanted to separate. He said no. Firmly and decisively. I said I was glad, and that we needed to sit down and have a talk about how to make that happen, and he agreed. He's going to take half a day off work (this is unheard of, work always goes before everything).

We'll see how it goes. Maybe we'll get it right this time.

Try to relax, rest, maybe meditate before the exchange of feelings. A calm patient demeanor with strong resolve will be effective. If you don't like the terms or are unsure of how you feel, simple state that you have to think about it and will address it at another time. As important as the words is the delivery, appear cool, calm and collected. Be strong Painter, you got this.

Hi painter, thank you for posting on my thread. Thank you for the outline on this thread as well. It made it easy to catch up.

I am sorry for your situation. I don't believe there is any way reconciliation can occur if There is any contact with OW. The way I see it, both people have to want to work for it or it won't happen. I think you need to stop making requests. I think you need to stop contacting OW. She does not matter. Like you said, she is pretty pathetic and not real competition. But by giving her attention she becomes important. These are pursuing behaviors and right now he needs to pursue you or you won't have value. If not, it becomes 2 women fighting over someone that does not deserve to have 2 women fighting over him. Give him time. Give yourself time. Make him think you are gone for good. He needs to want it or it will never work. If he wants it he will fight for it. We can't control our spouses and the more we try the more they rebel. I am coming to this conclusion as well.

I know how easy this is for me to say as an outsider but it sounds like you are coming to this conclusion as well.

Just wanted to mention something about the love languages. Neither husband nor I read the book, but it was explained to us by our counselor. Because of the state we were in 6 months ago this approach did not work for either of us....
I felt pressured to commit acts of service and often felt like I was being tested. It made me feel like I was being controlled and could not do things naturally. Felt like he would get mad if I missed something. As a result, there were occasions when I felt like I was being tested and intentionally did not do something because I felt like i was forced or blackmailed to do it. He felt the same way with my need for time spent and maybe the verbal portion too. It actually became a power struggle and made us both feel awful and controlled.

I don't want husband to do things because he feels like he has to, I want him to do things because he wants to and because he knows it will make me happy. By writing to you, I think I am coming to conclusion I just just need to let go of every thing. No demands or requests or expectations. If no expectations, no anger. See what he does on his own. Be patient.

This is good.


This is better.

Just because things arent perfect now, make sure to keep your eyes open to little signs of change.

Painter, I was posting as you were posting...just read about his declaration of not wanting to separate. This sounds good that you are priority over work as well. Good luck!