Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Rollercoaster at rest: now what?

Hi NYG, I'm pleased for you if there are some positive signs from your W. That said, I would encourage you to keep your expectations very low, and keep moving forward with your own stuff. It would be pretty unusual for a WAS to have regrets at such an early stage AND let the AP go for good. Generally, there would be some cycling back and forth and confusion or possible cake-eating. Mostly, WAS's at this early stage tend to want both worlds and aren't ready to let one entirely go.

I don't want to burst your bubble at all, only encourage caution on your part. I don't want you to get dragged onto the rollercoaster again, when you have been through so much stuff recently. I would say - sit tight, and let your W approach you again if she wishes.

If she does share stuff with you, thank her for doing that, and tell her you'll think about what she has said - but avoid making any big decisions or agreeing to a course of action. Come back here and post for advice first.

I know like many of us you feel desperate for some hope of a possible R. But generally slow is good in these matters and taking some time and space here will do no harm at all. JMHO, and hopefully others will be along with some thoughts too.

Take care xx

I agree with Sotto NYGal. It seems to be a baby step in the right direction, and that's good, but you need to do your very best to keep calm about it and not get your hopes up too much, for your own sake. I don't know if you are journalling baby steps as MWD suggests but write it down, it's there to look at when you're having a low point, and wait for the next baby step. Hugs!

This all sounds pretty good. One thing that realllllly helped me was to step out of my comfort zone and meet some NEW people. People that didnt know about my sitch that I could just be "me" with. Are you doing any of that?



Sounds good. But, it's time to start thinking about weekends. You KNOW they are tough, so start lining some things up now. Otherwise, youll end up home alone twiddling your thumbs. Is there a meetup in your area that might be interesting?


The bolded sounds....not great to me. Why go out and meet her needs every time? Let her be for now. If she really wants to talk to you, she will come find you. Just my opinion though....this is twice in a row that youve been around her and YOU have gone up to HER to initiate conversation. Why not let her come to you for once?

gday nygal

saying she misses you is different to I want to work on us.

keep on focusing on you & getting out & about. being independent will help with not pursuing & chasing.

I'm trying to keep this in perspective. I will still do all my GAL stuff, and I will still read and journal and ponder. It's just easier when there's a little hope. I didn't ask her, when she said she still needs time alone, if that includes OW. Had to pat myself on the back for that one. I just kept saying, let's take this time and focus on ourselves.

I heard loud and clear that we're not back together. I do believe that would be fatal to the R if I just started spending time with her.

It's true that I did go out to meet her, but she was standing there, and I couldn't just ignore that look. I know this will be a long process. I'm not going to give up the life I'm trying to create for myself, believe me. But if I'm optimistic or even mildly hopeful, it makes it easier to get out there and enjoy life.

And there she is walking by again, right now, to her office.

Actually, I would say that she did come find me, and that she initiated the conversation. It's not like I waved her down. She was right under my window looking up at me.
But I hear you, Azzork.

From what I understand, she walks by your building fairly regularly. I don't think she "came to find you". To me, the scared squirrel came out of the woods and sat down on the grass, then you got up off the bench and went up to it.

Not saying the conversation wasn't good. Just that I think you need to give her more space to meet you. You say you know this will take time; then you need to start ignoring her looks and ACTUALLY take this time to work on yourself.

Absolutely! I have two as a matter of fact.

NYGal, I am glad that you feel better after your conversation with W. I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't caution you though. When they start talking and saying things that you wanted and desperately needed to hear, it is SO easy to get sucked right back in. They only problem is that they are still confused, so she will eventually spit you back out. Do you remember the pain you felt at BD when you first found out about OW? When she spits you out, you will be RIGHT BACK THERE in a split second. You will be with her and happy thinking your life is great and working out just like you had hoped it would, then right back to square one. It is so painful. Please go slow and do not let that happen to you like it did me. As things progress (if they do), go back and reread my post when I got back here on Jan 1st after he pulled the rug again. Then, remember what a mess I have been the last 3 weeks after I had been doing better. Just please be careful. You deserve to be happy and I do hope this works out for you, just don't rush it.

Thanks, MB. I'm not rushing anything, and I have no illusions (delusions?) about us being back together right now. In fact, W wrote an email to some mutual friends this morning and cc'd me (also texted me to make sure I saw the email.) In the email she apologized for not being in touch and responding to their concerned texts. She said that it's too painful to talk about, and at the end said, "just know that we are both in a lot of pain." I don't know exactly what to make of that. I do believe she's in some pain. However, she's in a meeting with OW (and others, including my boss) at this very moment.

Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it because she's trying to pretend there's no OW. At any rate, I'm mind reading just like I counseled you NOT to do over on your thread. We're both works in progress, aren't we? I'm not going to respond to the text or email.