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Mu, thanks. I feel like I have came a long way in the last year. Sky's the limit. I know that happiness is there for me. And if I can keep busy, mentally, them I am ok. It's the down time that gets me wondering. Sometimes I want to fall asleep and wake up a year from now, and be more at peace with it all. (Maybe even r?)

Tl2, I am still working on me. For me, the boys, and whoever I end up with in the future. This past year has been the worst of my life. By far. I still have hope, I am just going to have to work on it not leading to expectations. I do tend to hold on. I have never wanted to let go of her, since our 2nd date. Sometimes she acts more like her old self, sometimes a stranger. Depends on the day?

I feel like I should be farther along this path, and think I am pushing it too hard some days. I am exhausted, mentally and physically. I think I am reaching a shift in me. I hope so, I need a break! I need to let go, and have a little hope it returns. Not expect it.

Had a good day. Maybe I needed all the crying and anguish to be purged from my system. Had a talk with my preacher buddy this morning. It's nice to use him to bounce ideas off of. Ic last night with the priest was beneficial, considering I felt better today after getting some things out. I really like him. He's a great guy.

Some feelings I am dealing with... I feel better, more at ease with the sitch today. BUT, that leads me to worrying that I am becoming ok with it. So my mind goes to "is this acceptance" or "am I giving up" to just plain guilt for not feeling badly about my m being over. Crazy town, huh?

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Kid swap. Xw was telling me about going to town and getting a bite to eat and grocery shopping, while I would have the boys. Then she told me about a gym opening, and she wanted to go tonight and scope it out... then realized it's next month. Told me she is going to try and get some of the other moms to go as a group. She stopped and picked the boys up on her way back through, which was nice of her. Saved me a trip

Why tell me any of this? I am really trying hard to let go, and for moments today I think I did. Can they sense it that quickly?

Boys talked a lot about the sitch. How it's hard on them. How they want it over. Why I don't just come home. I told them to pray about it. Talk to me or mommy about it. They still don't talk to her much apparently. Little boogers kinda sucked me back in by the end of the evening. I get them again tomorrow, so I have another kid swap.

Your doing the DB boogie. Two steps forward and one step back. Next you go around in circles till your dizzy and them stagger forward in a serpentine manner.

Lol, like a drunken toddler!

Not posting every minute is an indicator that your emotional situation is improving. Keep up the good work.

I agree mu.

I would like some opinions: At this point, do I keep doing the friendly thing, or should I pull back more. XW is telling me some things in her life, not all or even most. Should I try and pull back and let her miss me, or keep showing her that I care, and have bettered myself? Or does it even matter anymore?

I have worked on trying to remember things as they really were. No more rose colored glasses. That is going a long way for me. And, this will sound stupid, XW had a pimple, and I kept focusing on it. It helped me in a weird way. "warts and all", right? Removing her from the pedestal, I believe.

I think you have to be true to yourself, the authentic dday. As such a man there will be days your interested and days your not. There will be subjects you want to discuss and others not so much. Whatever feels right at the time, trust yourself.

Thanks mu. Xw, the last couple days, has been telling me things that don't concern me at all. I'm not sure if she's just lonely, missing me, a bit of cake eating, or none of the above.

I will just try to go with the flow. I do feel a bit more at peace with this. I would still love a chance at r, but I am more accepting of the fact it will be awhile, if ever.

dday, if XW tells you about her day and engages you, I don't see why you should pull back. Be friendly and show her how far you've come. What you shouldnt do is to pursue, which I don't see you doing.

I guess you're doing quite fine.

(((Dday)))

I think youre way too much in your head. It feels like every time you interact with her, you need to do, like a full system recalibration; "how close am I?" "how much do I pull away?", "how much do I say?", "how long do we talk?" etc.

It feels like you are trying to map everything out to have an "optimal" interaction to get towards R. Im not sure it works like that.

How can you relax and take things as they come? You seem to know the principles....how to just apply them without needing to analyze so deeply?