Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

These are good words. Be strong. DON'T LEAVE THE MARITAL HOME. Too many people are too quick to do that and they don't realize until it's too late that doing that can really screw you legally. It's abandonment of the family and the courts frown on it and it can kill you in a custody hearing. Be a model father, model citizen, and do not leave that marital home for any reason.

Trumpet, I am so sorry, but you sound like your head is in the right place. Stay strong.

I am so sorry, trumpet. Don't give up yet.
It may be a fireable offense, but don't go there. Breathe. Think. Talk to people on here. Don't do anything you'll regret.

Trumpet, I'm sorry to hear this. For me, getting that complaint actually helped me detach just a tiny bit more. I think the fear of it coming/the waiting and wondering what it would look like was much worse than actually finally getting it. Also, in my case it was full of errors and for some reason that helped me too.

Sorry to your sitch has taken a turn for the worse. Things looked so promising for you not so long ago.

I like your attitude about being served and your interactions with your children. I hope I can do the same when I'm served in the near future. Be well.

Trumpet,

DO NOT START THIS BATTLE!! You need to remain calm... DO IT FOR YOUR KIDS!

I know you're hurting, but you need to take the high ground here. This will do no good long term.

let sleeping dogs lie when it comes to her work devices or anything else. Your job and focus is on you and the kids.

I was so, so close to blowing the lid off of things in my sitch. I was going to out W on social media and in front of her entire family, but I held it together, took a deep, deep breath and confronted her 1-1 as calmly as possible. I went for a drive, got my thoughts together and came back and we talked.

The point being that if I had done those things, it was over and there was no going back.

Trust me. Take the high road here. Let the Lawyers handle things and keep your distance!

Best wishes andgood luck. Sorry no better advertising ce.

D14 was really upset when W got home. I was out shopping, thankfully.

Lots of yelling from what D14 said, yelling at mom.

I got chinese, and ate with the kids. Wife is upstairs crying in what is now HER bedroom. I will be getting my morning/shower stuff out of the master bath into the kid's bath.

I don't want to be around her tonight. Yet, I need to go upstairs and do a catechism lesson. Get this - tonight's lesson is the 7th Commandment - adultry. Lovely. God has a great sense of timing, doesn't he?

Maybe I should do it in front of the wife - trying not to, I think that wouldn't be taking the high road.

Work tomorrow, then home, then off to the company holiday party - they moved it to January last year, as rates I think were better, and can celebrate another year in the car biz. Just me this year, but I'm going to make sure I look my best.

Sunday I take the kids to church.

Gotta work out in there, too. So, I'll stay busy, and let the wife sit and think about what she's done.

Class and poise. No anger. Just business right now.

I'll lay off barking up the phone/tech/software tree right now.

Thoughts on an injunction to remove her from the house? Anyone have luck with that?
Or should I just see if the bird will leave the cage?

I laugh after getting advice from co-workers and friends.

Those who have been through divorce, and have a very negative opinion of their 1st wives, say to dump her like a rotten sack of potatoes yesterday.

Others, like members on this board, have the approach of 'wait and see', and 'go dark'.

I have others telling me to 'fight for your marriage' in an active sense.

The opinions are all over the board.

I'm at peace where I'm at. My wife made her decision. My wife filed the D. My wife served me papers.

This whole time, when we've had discussions, she is just very conflicted. Loves OM, but knows OM and her can never be together. Spew to get me to accept her point of view, that I never loved her (still laugh at that one).

Man, I made big mistakes in our marriage. All the usual ones - thinking about myself before others, not showing active love, showing love through love languages that are my wife's, taking care of the kids better. The last 3 months have been an eye-opener, and from the messages I interecepted from my wife, she has told others that I'm making the changes... but she doubts that they were made in time... like there is a definite end-date to us.

My wife always wanted me to lead the family, and lead her as well - to somehow fill the hole in her that she was missing.
I'm now showing leadership, showing a man of character. Whether my wife sees that or not is not up for discussion - we're going to be living under the same house!

My mission is to always, always, always think of what my words and actions say to her and my family. Am I showing love, or personal pride and anger?

My mourning lately has been for my kids. I don't cry about her. I think I'm in a great place to begin the divorce talk with my lawyer. I've got my head on straight to talk to someone, to have a goal in mind, and to show through actions that Trumpet is not the man he was.

My wife, quite possibly, sees this as 'her time', since my addiction took so many years of 'our time' away from her. It's selfishness, but aren't we all in life? I can get angry, but I'd just be getting angry at myself. I don't have high shame anymore for my addiction, and our family. I have regrets, and I'm sorry for the damage.

When I initially tried to reconcile, I was not in a place that the R could happen. I was angry, way too hurt, and still dealing with my own demons.

When or IF we do R, we will look at it truly as a new beginning. Somehow, we have to shelve all the hate, resentment, anger, and regret on a shelf, and revisit it once we start to heal. Little nuggets, with each of us sharing. No one dumping, since that isn't caring about your spouse.

Will that happen? I don't know. My gift of time started a while back, and it keeps going. I'm thankful that my wife hasn't decided to start a fling with someone local - the guy is 3 hours away. That it isn't physical. That she's not moving out. That she has a stable job. That she continues to go to our church. That there are a few friends pointing her in a direction opposite the Divorce.

Is Divorce the easy answer to a really, really complex question, that betrayers see as a way to absolve their wrongs/sins and escape a situation that really they can't see a way out?

When husbands or wifes ask for perfection, or look to their spouse to solve their own problems, you're bound to find no answers. "I have an idea, since my spouse can't fix me, let's get a D!"

I never asked for a D when I had my addiction, but then again, I didn't think is was a big issue. My wife has always seen D as a way out. Why, I don't know. Her parents, and my parents, have both been together 40+ years. I just never thought of it as a solution. It's why I'm here.

Zues,

I keep coming back to your words of wisdom. To emotionally let go. I have in a way - the tears I've had are for my kids. But I have to really detach, which is why I started moving things out of the bedroom last night. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Just like the girl I dated for 4 years, I'll always love her, care about her, but she moved on from me, and I moved on from her. My wife and I started dating 3 months later.

I got excited thinking about buying my own place today. Looked up what it might cost to get a small house here in Madison or in a neighboring satellite town. I could do it. I'm debt free except for the house right now. If the wife wants the house, take it! I'll just take the equity, if any, and move on.

Getting excited about doing things FOR MYSELF is exactly what I need right now.

Dealing with addiction, I have found contentment within myself. I am fulfilled right now with my kids. I now have a few key friend relationships that I've started back up. They told me to call anytime. Most are local. I can have a beer with them and they will listen. I have a great church. I have my parents within driving distance. I have my health. My kids are healthy. They have tons of talent.

All of these things are good. And make me smile.

More and more of me thinks I will be just fine. Is some of this fake? I don't care. Enjoying this part of the roller coaster.