Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis 2016 a New Year - getting out of my own fog

Hi Everyone, thanks for the replies and support. Every time I read your messages I get stronger. Positive energy does wonders

I am very lucky to have both my D's in a good place and state of mind. Their understanding of what their Mom is going through keeps them from feeling mad or sad all the time and missing her.

I had contact via text with W today. We restart mediation again at the end of the month.

This time she also apologized for all the hurt she has caused me and the girls. The damage is done she says..she cant fix anything. Reason she left and did what she did... She was hurting inside and in pain, wasn't happy at all. She didn't know what to do and how to do it. So she ran. ( how she doesn't see this as a depression i don't know). Of course never mentioned anything to me about this.

Now she's not saying she will fix it or wants to fix it. I know my W. In the past she will accept her consequences and move on. Even if it is to lose the D's forever.

What she's told her new friends and family is hard to erase. Their impression of her is more important. ( Sad a mother will throw away her D's for a cheap friend that she's known for a few months.)

She wished me and our D's a happy life together. Still thinks the D's will miss her and reach out to her one day. I know they won't. They get colder to the idea of W as every week passes.

D15 said the only way she will accept her mom is that if she gets an apartment in our town. Seeks help to solve her internal pain. Has no OM until she is fixed and settled. Then rebuild her relationship with the girls.

I think that's a great plan. will it ever happen. I don't think so. Not anytime soon. She is so connected to OM and drinking and smoking pot... her happiness is being taken care of.

Many questions and I need some advise.

- What do i say as a reply?
- Do i say her pain is a depression? Shes only running from herself.
- The crap she told her new friends means nothing and they will be gone in a year while her D's can be in her life for her lifetime.
- Do i say nothing?
- Do i say i forgive you and this is the worse of the for better and worse?
- Do i tell her i'm here if she needs to talk and leave it at that?


Is this a start of her exiting the tunnel or still just some clarity. OM is still in the picture. She is living with him. I know until he's gone and she has gone through withdrawal, she will not be done cooking.

love you all. and we all need a good 2016.

Irish I defer to the vets. Say and do nothing until one of them weighs in, but I do think you shouldn't do a thing that would be perceived in any way as pressure, pursuing or being weak. I hope this helps. YEs, we all deserve a much better 2016. xoxoxoxo {{{hugs}}}

Hi Irish. I am glad to hear your W opening up with you again. I guess she is realizing the grass isn't greener? Not sure what to reply, but if it was me, I would probably say something close to the "I'm here if you need to talk" idea. Being the mother of your girls, I always see friendship with your spouse as being an important step and example.

I am sorry for all the pain, for all of you. Stay strong.

Irish,
I guess I would have to say "W, I'm sorry that you are hurting and I'm here if you want to talk". Nothing more. There's no need to go into detail about the depression or her friends. She has to figure that stuff out for herself. Keep your reply short and sweet.

As for her exiting the tunnel...nope. They go through periods of clarity and that's when you get messages such as the one you did.

Irish



I like what Job says..

So that way she feels heard and the door is open to speak with you if she chooses. If she sees you as a friend, she may be more willing to contact you and
reestablish connection with girls

Maybe this is a start that she is admitting her pain to herself and out loud
but in addiction it is very hard to stop and add MLC into it,,I think thats why it takes so long

It is very hard to understand why they are willing to "give it all up"
logically makes No sense

hang in

Hi everybody thanks for your suggestions

I did reply this morning. It was more about financials since we are resuming mediation at the end of the month. I was soft at the last mediation about $. Not to upset W etc. As time went on and I grew strength I will not allow her to walk over me. My D's deserve to have a good life. Me giving everything to W to please her is wrong. I'm entitled to my fair share. So I stated a few financial facts and for her to get her financials in order for the next meeting.

I think her opening up was that she was being sorry for her own situation and missing things. Not wanting them back. I won't offer to help her. She shows remorse about her pain and not the pain she caused.

I did say to her that she needs to stop saying she is always there for the D's. It's a lie to herself and it only hurts the D's when she does no real action.

This first post for 2016 was about me getting out of my own personal fog. It's me standing up for my and D's best interests. To be stronger than I was last year and don't dwell on the idea it will upset W. She left. If she wants back well she can work on herself, figure it out and do some real action and not just talk crap about her feelings.

Not sure if this is still DB'ing but it feels good.

It sounds good..you sound empowered --you are taking care of yourself
and yes your W will have to figure this out


I agree D is a business deal…I would definitely get your fair share and the girls

W has no one to support except herself..you have all the responsibly

My XH practically got nothing ..it was his choice..his addictions.. his affair

I at first wanted to split some things like our business but when he proved to run it into the ground, come to work high, or not shoe at all- and spend constantly,,he lost that too

I have no regret about anything I did..
I was as patient as possible-

I am grateful I was able to save our finances for me and my kids
I think when it comes to the financial end and where we have full custody
thats needs to be fully taken in consideration

I also agree that the D is a business deal that needs to be taken care of to insure your finances and the welling of not only yourself, but your daughters. Your wife is going to have to figure things out for herself. It make take a lot of time to do so, then again, she may opt to continue running and looking for that illusive happiness that they all search for...but you can't sit around waiting for that to happen. Life is far too short and it flies by quickly and you do not want to miss one minute of the time you spend w/your delightful, but wise girls.

Do you want think is necessary and fair.

Hi Irish

Just wanted to say hi and thank you for your visits to my thread, I really appreciate all of the advice and support you give me. You are getting great advice from vets on here so I'm not sure anything I say could be of any help. I've finished reading your threads. You are such an amazing Dad to your girls, that is very evident, and you sound like you're doing so well.

Hi Inpain

Thanks for dropping by. I'm sure I could learn as much from you as you can from me.
It's all the support and views from different friends here that post to our page or just the situations we read that help us get through this.

In the end it's ourselves that decide where we go and how we get there. I just decided that W is not in it for me or the kids. I don't look at her FaceBook and the kids avoid it 100%. She pulled herself out and disrespected me and the girls so much. Would I take her back. Only the person she was has a chance. How long I'll stand.... All depends on what she does and where I end up on my journey.

You are an amazing mom putting your kids first. Never forget about yourself but the kids suffer the most. And it affects us more than the loss of our spouses. This is not a normal seperation.

I am stronger than I was when I started here. Thanks to reading up on this so much.
I haven't read so much in my life.

Thanks for the visit
X irish