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Hi cali,

Throwing up the divorce threat is a form of abuse. I am glad in my case, after taking that threat for so long that it is now behind me and she is having to deal with the consequences of her decision.

Living with your MLCer while receiving those threats is difficult. It bad enough living with the spin without those threats.I am happy to not live with her right now.

This long term depression is a very difficult thing to figure out. They seem to come in and out of Lala land. Even now a year after the D mine says things that indicate she is not in touch totally with her choices. The other day I was talking about leaving my job to look for another. My ex says to me to make sure and get a new job first as "WE" need to money. of course she get no alimony and I have the kids so no child support. I am not sure where the "WE" comes from. While she is still spinning I am glad to have my space.

Cali, I am not recommending divorce. If it happens though, I would not look upon it as a failure nor a bad thing. It will allow you to completely step out of the spin cycle and get some peace. I don"t know if your wife or mine will ever come out of their spin and move off Fantasy island.

I will absolutely agree the constant D threats are abusive, in fact over the past several months I have been reflecting on this and thought to myself has she always been this way or was it more so about the MLC? Bottom line its more about CONTROL. To be honest she always has been controlling and as MLC moved in like a slow storm the abuse increased. Early on I fought fire with fire and we had some nice little fights, over time I chose just to walk out of the room (punishing) which infuriates her … still does, but now I walk out with the boundary of “I will no longer be treated this way, when you want to discuss is civilly I would be glad to do so when we both (implying her without the accusational finger) are calm”. I think the root issue here is control, she becomes abusive when she feels like she is losing control, when that does not work the nicey-nice girl comes to play, again to regain control, funny I never really seen this till as of late but then again I was never detached enough to do so I was to busy putting and removing spew jackets to protect myself. How to break this cycle I am still learning that, other than detaching and removing myself from the equation I am not quite sure but as I think about this I feel maybe this is where the lack of respect resides, if she is always controlling things how can she respect me?.... Something for me to dwell on I think.



I am still standing for my M, but more so I am standing for myself. If she wants to separate or D I am at peace with that, I have done all I can to this point and will close this chapter of my life and start another. If she does chose to work on the M I am not so sure she can/will do the work required so I am very reserved (Thoughts about how selfish and almost narcissistic she has evolved have made me cynical) . Thinking about it over the past few days I realized I am towards the end of my rope with this, I have 2-3 months till I move out of that condo thankfully my GAL plate is about to be very full as I prepare for the move. Its obvious God has more work to do with her, who knows where I will be but I am seriously leaning towards the fact I still have healing to do from all this. I thought possibly her and I could get through this and help each other but I failed to realize she has so much to do on herself.



Any Newbies, heck even the ‘oldies’ might benefit from this, I have a friend she has been married for a bit and well she is very ‘out’ there .. everything is on FB, everything. Well seems her and her H got into it she posted this some time ago, I have read it countless times I do not have it memorized but there are parts I have used and still turn to it often.



Typing this out any LBS could have written this to their MLCr (obviously never to be sent)



BOUNDARIES:



You say that you love me but This doesn’t feel like love

This feels like abuse and I’m not going to ignore it any longer

If I continue to put up with your Dysfunctional behavior, then I’m telling you that its ok

I’m telling you I support it and I wholeheartedly do not support your behavior.

I have the right to tell you that, and the right to distance myself from it



I don’t belong to you, I belong to me

I belong to the community that I chose to build around me

A community of people who support me and help me to be my best

People who’s behavior is good and loving, people who feel good to be around

You do not feel supportive and helpful

You do not feel good and loving and I don’t have any obligation to engage with someone who makes me feel bad.



Your behaiviors toward me feel threatening, critical, disrespectful, mean-spirited, hurtful, manipulative, and unfair

That may feel good to you, and if that’s how you want to continue to treat people, that’s your choice

But it most certainly does’nt feel good to me and I do not deserve it.

I am not going to continue to allow it in my life.



I have worked and continue to work to heal from it

To free myself from its grip on my wellbeing

To cultivate growth in myself that enriches life, rather than spoils it.

You have your own work to do

Your demons are not mine to dance with

Your unresolved grief, resentment anger and depression are not my problem.

I’m not going to allow you to bog down my progress with the lack of yours.



You can continue to believe that something I’ve done is to blame for your ill treatment of me

But I know I’m a good person, and I do not deserve your abuse.

Your behaviors toward me do not define who I am, they define who you are.

And I do not like who you are towards me, I do not like how you make me feel, and I will no longer welcome that behavior in my community



Its simple, If you want to be in my life, I welcome you.

This said, you need to behave in a more positive way.

If you treat me poorly, I’m not going to position myself around you

If you want to change, do the work, evolve, grow, and be a person who is pleasant to be around, I’d be happy to have you around.

But until then I’m going to take a break, I’m going to distance from you, I’m going to let go.

Whatever it takes to take care of myself and not enable you to continue to act as if treating people in an abusive or othersiwe disrespectful way is ok.

Its not ok

Cali,
The threats of divorce or even stating "I'm thinking of moving out" are control factors. When they sense that we are getting too close or think that we are moving forward, etc., they toss those statements out there to reel us back in, thinking that if they do, we'll jump thru hoops.

Long before I came to this forum, I called my xh's bluff on his moving out and he sat on the sofa and cried like a baby, but by that time, I had had enough of his cruel, selfish behavior, not only towards me, but towards my father (who treated him like a son) and his mother. My xh had the option of staying or going, but the guilt really got to him after I had taken all the Christmas decorations down and continue on living my life. His comment to that was "I can't believe you aren't upset w/how things are going". My comment to him was "you are the one w/the problem and are unhappy, you need to decide what you want to do for yourself. It's not my job to make you happy." So, two weeks later, he disappeared while I was at work. For me, it was heartbreaking, but as he moved along the path, he became a very nasty and vindictive individual, a side I had never seen before, and yes, he tore down every bridge there was and there is no repairing them now. Yes, we are civil now, but he's not someone that I would ever look twice at on the street.

TBH, he never thought I'd open that door and say go. I think it shocked him. Would I take such action again? For my sanity, yes, I would.

At some point, you will be the one to decide what happens. Even if you separate/divorce, you can still stand for your marriage...but the question will be several years from now...is she still the one that you want to share your life with?

You've got a lot of stress and tension going on and I do hope it's not affecting you or your son. Please take care of yourself.

The D comments/threats are a fad. She'll either file or tire of mentioning it once she realizes it's not getting her anything she wants. My money is on the latter.

Whether or not your M makes it through this trial is more in your hands than it is in hers. Stay the course Cali, you're doing great.

FY,
I agree w/you. In Cali's case, I think she's going to get tired of mentioning it because it's not giving her the results she wants.

No matter what happens, Cali has given it everything he's got. He's a success no matter what happens.

I usually try to update on Mondays … been pretty busy as of late, work has been going very well keeping me busy, plus the fact I lost my keys riding the Harley for the second time in 3 months … I swear… I have 2x4’d myself a few times over the last few days .. lost my glasses too which isn’t all bad, I needed new ones anyways.



I have been thinking a bit, reflecting A LOT and looking back to where I was, where I am, and which direction my nose is aimed at and I will not deny it I am pretty happy with ‘me’ and how I have turned my life around. Is everything perfect .. no, but it never will be now will it? I look back at who I was prior to BD and honestly I would not want to be that guy, I truly think this all happened for a reason and I would have never changed to this extent had it not been for all ‘this’. I have taken some inventory on things that are different about me now Vs say … 2012/2013. I am much more tidy, last night for example while cooking I cleaned the kitchen floors and the kitchen windows as I had my laundry going. I also am more driven at work, really trying to get our sales up 40% and as lofty a goal as that is we are already currently projected to hit 30-35%. My relationship with S is amazing, I have become such a good father and LOVE the fact I am able to be this for S… W is coming around as far as being a good mother (I will be honest during crisis she was not … I do not even think she was able to looking at it) if anything, regardless if we remain married or not I wish for 2 healthy parents for S, he deserves this. That being said we were talking the other night … math problems for S, explaining how pie graphs work. He rephrased one graph and said like this dad.. you are 90% nice and 10% mean. W overheard and asked what her ratio would be … she received a 75% mean and 25% nice. Then negotiated for a 50-50 with S and did so joking and laughing she did flash me a look as if she actually owned it. I have treated the R between W and S the only way I think can be done, not my circus… not my monkeys, she made that mess with him and she will have to fix it. No different than the mess made with her and I. I own my part, and would work on the M issues both past and present, however she is still in crisis and I quite possibly will never want to actually face all the things she did. Time will tell.



W seems to be in very good spirits lately. We went to the Wild Animal Park Saturday to continue celebrating S’s Birthday. I had a serious PMA going… a few times over the weekend W was playful, even gave me a few of those old punches in the arm flirty style. Again … I have been in a good detached place. She even watched the Super bowl with S and I, and I commented how this year she was more into football than I have ever seen her (Something I used to ALWAYS want to do .. now .. .not so much to be honest I hardly follow as its been more about activities with S). She made a comment about how she went into labor with S, how I was at a super bowl party at the time, which was true … but I had to correct her rewritten history as she felt she did hours of labor waiting on me when in fact she called and I was home within 20 minutes, we went to the hospital and they sent us home, we sat and watched a movie, went for a long night time walk, then went back to the hospital … and the next day at Feb 5 2007 5:34 (2/5/07 17:34 military time 2+5=7 17+17=34 is how I remembered the exact time ) S was born. This really seemed to stun her not just the fact I recalled the entire day, but the exact time. Over the past week I noticed W looking at old pics, not mind reading but I figured its recalling S’s baby years, she would show me a few pics and for me it was our old M, ya know … the innocent years before all this deceit, lies, betrayal … we did not have a perfect M but we were happy and loved each other.



So, the time seems to be ticking, I have prayed for patience and wisdom. Not sure if I have mentioned this but since the first of the year when W decided (typical over the past 3 years after New Year’s) .. I should say “Resolved” she still wants to D/separate and begin her new life, I chose to no longer share a bed with her. I “Resolved” I would only sleep with a woman who could love and respect me … especially if that woman was my wife. So I have been camping on the couch, honestly I have slept better and feel at peace. W seems to have a hard time sleeping and is often up at 3-4 in the morning. I try to not get irritated at paying ½ the rent and couching it but its MY choice and I am good with this … and I know regardless come May I will move or WE will move as her lease is up. For those new … she rented this Condo and it’s the place where she and OM enjoyed their PA activities so I have wrestled with triggers galore there. W did replace the mattress in the MBR which used to be our bed, that room still flashes visuals for me … not as bad now as previously .. regardless I will not be living there much longer. W texted me yesterday saying rent was increasing there, maybe this was a temp check I am not sure as we have not discussed ‘future’. As far as I am concerned her last comment was we would separate once she locked down a full time position, I would move out. Not what I WANT, but I am good with it as living as roommates is just not what I want out of a M, and she may not be able to ever come to the table and give me what I NEED … key word NEED not WANT. Thankfully I still have the bedroom set and couches for my place if it comes to that, I am still in the wait and see mode as when May arrives I am financially going to be in a solid place to get something for S and I that will work out. I am curious to what W will do, she had said at times the condo reminds her of what she did and she was ashamed .. with the increase I think she too will have to move, not sure.



Oh, so I mentioned I lost my keys … again .. while riding the Harley .. W does not approve of the Harley, she asked if I had finally ‘learned my lesson’ and said the bike was cursed. I laughed while reading the text and replied, “Ya know .. I thought about that and I think the bike is fine its actually me who is cursed” she joked a bit with me back and forth. This is new as she would typically use this as a chance to control or really drive home what I ‘should’ do/ ‘I told you so’ it to death. Thinking about it I think it’s the changes I made and her trusting I would not put up with that treatment. With this my lease is up on my Terrain, while it’s a great SUV and amazing on gas my needs have changed and I am looking at either buying it outright from the lease, or getting into a truck (This is what I want). W has asked here and there what I was going to do, she does not seem to approve of the truck route as she likes the SUV… that said she also has been unusually tight lipped about it knowing I am going to make the choice regardless of what she says. Now if we were married and all was good, best option would be to buy the SUV, have W take it (It’s a 2013) and I take her car, trade it in (2007 but paid for) and get the truck I want. However, she does not want a car payment and that’s all good, I have not even suggested this as she seems fine with her older car. I however need to run the numbers and see how much more the truck will be, but most likely leaning that way …. Who is having a MLC?? I have lost 20lbs, made a ton of changes, bought a Harley .. now a truck?? Heck maybe I will start dating some 20 somethigns just for good measure, shame I hear they talk to much. ….lol



Hope all is well and good with you all

Cali,
Sounds like you've finally are getting back to living your life. As for the lost items..what's going on w/that? Did the items ever show up again?

Keep moving forward!

Lol, job it's a matter of me just being "not in the moment" I should have put the items in my bag, had them in my pocket and most likely they jusmped and commuted suicide on the freeway!!

Yeah I have been just living my life as you put it. I've accepted things as they are and do not allow myself to get to spun up about what's out of my control, in fact over the past few weeks I've felt as if I'm living in my own place again and hanging out with S like when I had the apartment... Then w walks out and I'm almost like "hey how did you get in here??"

She has been happy and chatty, I mirror here and there but mostly have just gone about my days, which are getting busier and busier as of late

Cali-
I've followed your sitch for a while now and am so impressed about how you are handling it. You seem very grounded in who you are and where you are headed. I've learned a lot by reading your updates especially about listening and STFU.

I remember a comment you made previously about how your W files or threatens to file for D in January for the past two years, I think. My H has done the same. I find it heartbreaking and very hard to get off the emotional rollercoaster that the D presents.

Nel


Me: 51 H:50
M: 28 years T: 31 years
4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17
BD Jan 2013
D filed Feb 2015
Papers pulled Aug 2015
D re-filed Jan 2016

Cali,
You are right were you need to be right now. Continue to live your life as if you and your son are in your old apartment. That type of focus will take the pressure off of your wife.

I'm very sorry about your glasses and keys...at least they can be replaced.

Dig deeper for patience.