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Hi Inpain

I agree 100% that should be your goal if that's what you want. I too want that for myself and for every LBS here. I might of explained it wrong but what i meant was to better yourself and not have expectations. Avoid the hurt. You don't need to be let down and in this up and down world of MLC its hard to avoid that. You need to detach from the emotions get strong... because the day H wakes up , if it happens and i pray it does...there is a harder process to go through. So the more you educate yourself, understand that H is not himself, plus you cant control his journey and you should distance yourself from it. You will accept what happened and you will have better tools to deal with it. Your way.



Differently as seeing it as not your fault and you or your H have no control over it.
Seeing it as MLC. Crazy train, in the tunnel of Fog. I know we can't imagine the person we married doing half of the things they do and don't do. This is not the man you married. You can love the old husband, he is in there somewhere. Just he can't get out. He has to want it, deal with it and change it all by himself.




The kids are so smart.Mine knew my W was off weeks before i saw it. I told my W the last time she treated them like "crap" (polite version), and she wondered why they didn't want to see her. I told W, "because we raised them well and they stay away from people like you." .

Sad thing is the kids build a resentment and anger. Its their way of protecting their emotions. Love them even more. Reassure them. Educate them.

i think you are doing great and the emotional roller coaster i see you on is not going to stop any time soon. I hope it does. You can get off it and let H ride it alone.

Hope you are getting at least a few good hours of sleep each night. Hope you are eating well. I know i lost 20-lbs in the first 2 months. I have since regained it less the 5-lbs I wanted to lose before MLC. I'm at a great weight now lol

Irish

Hello, my dear! Just checking in on you...

I am so very sorry you are hurting so much. It took me months to get to where I was on level ground. This is awful, and there is so much I didn't understand about it. I think what finally helped me was the realization that H was well and truly gone for now. He's been taken over by MLC...and he needs to work through it. I've heard the craziest things come out of H's mouth, but some of them stick with me:

"I just want to be happy."
"I want to date other people and see what else is out there."
"What? Am I just supposed to watch you die?"
"Being married to you has completely ruined my life."

These comments hurt like nothing else, but they also tell me a lot about what H's state of mind is. He's seeking "happiness"...he's absolutely sure he's going to find it elsewhere, even though for years he was very happy being a father and husband. He has no idea what he wants. He's terrified of death, and the fact that I'm chronically ill is more than he can handle in his current state.

He honestly believes that his life will be great once he gets rid of me. He drinks so much now, it might seem that way for a while - but he is going to have the loneliness hit him really hard one day - and I feel so very badly for him. I wouldn't wish his confusion on anyone.

He'll list things I've done, and I'll correct the memory - he'll acknowledge I'm right, and then go right back to accusing me again. It's a symptom of his crisis. None of it can be his fault - it's all got to be mine. Add in the fact he started acting like I was his mother (I was keeping him from doing "fun" things) - it just exploded in his mind, and he bolted.

I don't know when or if he'll ever find his way home. I just know I feel so very badly for him. He blew up his family. He destroyed me. I worry that he'll just refuse to face the damage, because it is so huge.

I'm telling you all this, because I'm betting you'll see a lot of similarities in our stories. H is gone. He won't be back for a really long time. Please don't allow yourself to fall into despair. You have an entire life to live, learning of your own to do. If your H ever returns, he's going to need so much help. Will you be strong enough to help him?

I'm not suggesting you move along. This is HARD. I just hope you'll start seeing things a bit differently. I really worry about you, and hope to help you through this. The first thing you're going to have to do to get to a state of acceptance is to really understand what is happening.

MLC doesn't end quickly. It lasts for a while. What are you going to do in the meantime to be able to help your H? That is how I finally started progressing. My H has been awful and downright abusive. I love the old H with all my heart. I meant my vows - and I consider this the "for worse" I promised to remain through.

If he suddenly changed his mind tomorrow, would you really be okay? You've got forgiveness to work on, compassion, understanding...these things take a while. It might help you if you start thinking about how you need to grow in order to be able to help your H one day. It really did help me.

Hang in there, IP! I'm in your corner, wishing only good things for you.

Yeah IP, what Anc said. I am still posting because I want you to know I'm in your corner, but I'm not sure I'll have much to add until 30-60-90 days pass and you realize the need to truly detach.

Within your desire to save your marriage are two parts. One is noble, good, healthy, God-given, and righteous. The other is scared, needy, desperate, overwhelmed, and panicked.

I agree we should all stand by our M's for all of those noble reasons.

What we shouldn't do is allow our fears and neediness to control our thoughts and behavior and destroy our ability to appreciate and enjoy the life we've been given by God.

Too many people avoid growth by justifying their dependency because it fits their beliefs. I love the beliefs, but you need to lose the dependency.

I get it's overwhelming and maybe it takes you time. Just not much more to say until you get there. And you will. When the pain continues and continues eventually you will learn that letting go stops the bleeding, not just for you, but for your WAH, and that it is the best gift you can give to each of you right now. There is nothing noble about smothering a dove to death. I promise you'll get there. Until then I wish you the strength to get through until you find that relief.

Hey, IP! Just checking in on you. I know you were having a tough go of it...I hope you know there are a lot of us pulling for you out here. This seems so impossible and overwhelming, but it will get better.

Hi IP, how are you? Just thinking of you, and I want you to know that we'll all get through this.

Keep faith :-)

Hello IP, I'm glad I found your thread. I'm having a hard time with my situation, too. I keep getting advice about being strong, and sometimes I can take it in. Sometimes I can't and the criticism on these posts can sting a little bit.

Like you, my goal is reconciliation. I understand intuitively that it will only happen if I get stronger, and if I grow and learn. But the pain is so great I can hardly stand it most of the time. I think we have to come to a new realization that WE are worth it. Let's get through this together. We'll learn how to detach, I suppose. We'll get better at taking care of ourselves, I guess. You see my doubt? Maybe we can help each other through.

Rouky is wise. She says we'll all get through this. Let's.

Just posted on Trumpet's thread, check it out if you can. Thinking of you. Hang in.

Hi Inpain

just checking in on you.

thinking about you :-)

Irish

Hi Rouky, Irish, Ancaire, Ciluzen, Zues and NYGal

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for checking in on me and offering such wonderful words of wisdom and advice the last couple of days. I don't even know where to start with what is going on. I am so confused and upset with things that keep happening and also my own thoughts and feelings. I have been struggling so much the last couple of days, hence my absence. I just haven't really been able to face putting it all into words I suppose. I think this post will end up very long and rambling - apologies in advance. I sincerely hope that could have your thoughts on it all. I just cannot make sense of what goes on anymore. Anyway, here is what has been going on.

Monday night I discovered that H has opened a FB page and listed himself as 'single'. Also discover he's bought a motorbike! We don't see him because of his shift times.

Tuesday morning he comes round at 7am so that he can see S and be here to take D to school. This is one thing that is really getting to me - having to see him literally 10 minutes after I've woken up - and he's there, in my face, the whole time I'm getting myself and the kids ready for work/school. Ugh, it is just awful. We don't see him on the night time because of his shifts but I get the text asking about taking the kids out for tea on Wednesday. I didn't actually get the text until 3 hours after he sent it (poor signals in our area) so he sent another text saying "Guess you don't like the idea". I replied telling him that both texts came through together just now and that yes, the kids will like going out for tea. He text back asking if I wanted to come too.

Wednesday morning he comes at 7am again. Ugh. First thing he does is ask if I want to go for tea later as I didn't reply to his text. I told him I wasn't sure because I don't understand why he wants me to tag along. He says it's because the kids will want me to. I told him he will have to start doing things on his own with them and that when he asks me to join them I always think it means there is some hope. He pulled an "Oh, didn't realise that!" kind of expression. I told him, no, I don't think I want to come. He picked D up from school so was there when I got home from work. S instantly tells me Dad's taking them out for tea and please, please, please will I come. I say I'm not sure and then D bursts into tears and says she doesn't want to go without me. I give in and we all go. Yet again, you wouldn't know there was anything wrong while we are out. H is attentive, laughs and jokes, starts every conversation (because I still try to be 'dark' by not initiating any). He stayed until kids were in bed then left, all concerned on his way out, 'Make sure you lock this doorl'

Thursday he's here again at 7am. I have a very late meeting that day so he asks what I was planning on making the kids for tea. Gave him two options I was thinking of and he asked me which I'd prefer. I say I'm not bothered and leave for work. When I got home he has a roast dinner all ready and waiting. Again, you wouldn't know anything is wrong. He is attentive, initiates every conversation, laughs and jokes. Again, he stays until kids are in bed then leaves. I busied myself with sorting laundry when he went to leave but, as I was facing a window, I could see him standing in the doorway and he was acting very hesitant, as though he was either waiting for me to turn round or he was thinking of something to say. He just said see you tomorrow and left after a few minutes. I discover that he has changed the status on his FB page from 'single' to 'it's complicated'. Complicated with me or complicated with someone else?!?!?!

Today he comes at 7am again. D had a medical appointment so he met us there. Ugh, it feels like I cannot get away from him for a minute! How am I supposed to detach when it is like this!?!?! The appointment was immediately before lunch so all came home. I needed to grab some lunch to take back to work and D had lunch at home. He again acted all concerned, trying to help me fix my lunch and get me to stay for lunch and then go back to work. I didn't though. He picked D up from school again so was here when I got home from work. D had been promised a treat of her choice for being brave at her appointment. She chose home made lasagne, popcorn and a film. I busied myself with the lasagne and stayed out of H's way. At one point he came to tell me something of little importance and when I only replied with a muttered "OK" he said, "Have I done something to upset you?" He seemed very offended! Hello!?!?!?! Seriously!! You've done plenty to upset me!!! H complimented me on the lasagne (have to admit, it was the best one I've made!) and we all watched a film. The kids came and snuggled with me to watch it. I could see H looking over all the time out of the corner of my eye. He left early because he has to be up in the morning.

I feel hopeful and relaxed when he is here on an evening. Hate him being here in a morning. Am in floods of tears as soon as he's gone out of the door, and feel so betrayed and upset by his FB status and him buying a motorbike when he keeps telling me he wants finances paid off before he goes to a solicitor to D me! D also told him my boots are worn and leak in water and he told me to go buy a pair of boots! I feel like I hate him but then I'm distraught when he's left for the evening. This week I have even questioned why I want him back. Everyone tells me I'm mad and should be thinking good riddance. This man has left me for 4 months 9 years ago because I was ill, had at least an EA, continued the EA behind my back for several more years - even meeting up with her on one admitted occasion and buying/receiving birthday and Christmas gifts! Had no regard for my feelings or thoughts when it has come to work decisions that have taken him away from his family, been overbearing with our S to the point of us arguing a lot about it and now left me again, touting himself as single on FB and bought a motorbike behind my back! Everyone tells me I deserve better. I don't want a D, I don't want my children living that kind of life, being swapped from pillar to post between us, yet I have no option. I do not know what to do. Please help with advice or thoughts etc. I really am truly grateful for all of you.

I don't care one iota how you feel.

OK, I do. I don't like to see you suffer. I do care how you feel. And I want you to learn to detach, set boundaries, and find ways to lessen the pain. But when it comes to choosing your course forward, feelings have nothing to do with it. Whether you're angry, hurt, lonely, sad, whatever, I will say it one more time- emotions are not a compass you should use to steer with.

If your friends are telling you to leave him, you either are choosing the wrong friends to confide in, or you're dumping on them and they don't know how to handle it so they're telling you to 'get out' so they don't have to hear it anymore.

It's funny...I didn't really have any friends that could provide the emotional support I needed. My best friend...BEST FRIEND...he's amazing, kind, we're so close it's almost a marriage...but it was almost like he refused to talk about it. Once in a while I was so distraught I brought up my sitch and apologized for doing it because I knew he didn't want to hear, and sure enough he'd listen, not really say much, then move on. I really think it's because people don't know what to say. That is why I want you to post here on DB. We get it IP.

What *ISN'T* going to work is this just getting better on it's own with you doing what you're doing. Look- by failing to DETACH, you remain NEEDY. When you are needy you have EXPECTATIONS. When he doesn't meet your expectations you get HURT. This leads you to feeling RESENTFUL. This leads you to behave in all kinds of inconsistent ways. You are clinging and desperate because of your neediness. Then you might be nasty or punishing because you are angry. And in the middle there is a ton of control. It's hard to be your best person in the middle of that, but even if he wanted to try to R you'd still be in a spot where you'd either take him back without protecting yourself, or wouldn't be able to do your part to make it work.

I do think these are good opportunities. It seems like your H is doing things for you, kind of 'acts of service'. Is this his love language? I don't want you to be pursuing, but he is probably doing all of this for one of two reasons (or both)- either he wants you to reciprocate and he's trying to show you what he wants, or he's trying to show his feelings for you. I think it's ok to be a little appreciative of him. If he makes you dinner can you give him a SINCERE compliment, like 'you are so thoughtful H, thank you'? No, he shouldn't get to cake eat, and long term if he gets D you won't keep doing this. But your NOT D yet, and without being pursuing or having expectations I think it's ok to show him appreciation when he's doing things for you, because that would make him feel good and that might be what he wants. See what works. As for his love language, and acts of service, I'd keep it dim with *H*, but I WOULD then (if that's his LL) do acts of service for daughter. Maybe even with him. Show him how lavishly you enjoy serving those you love, but instead of directing it at him, do it for D, in front of him or with him. Make him want to be the one you love and serve.

So let me know what his love languages are, and work on detaching and 180s. You detach by GAL, finding new ways to meet your emotional needs so you reduce your focus on H. I work this in last, but I will say once again that it is paramount. Then 180s. These are for you. I don't remember what your 180s are, which means that you're not doing enough with them, because if you're not mentioning them in every post you're focusing on H too much and not enough on you. What have you done to GAL and 180 this week? Why am I not hearing about that? Eyes back to you please!