Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE HD's on AD's, please comment...

My HD H is on Welbutrin and feels that he needs to increase the dosage or change meds because he feels his depression is not being treated adequately. We are currently separated, but he is just starting to broach the possibility of reconciliation with me.

So, we may begin attempting to piece our marriage back together soon, and I am concerned that we are going to have some problems in the sex department. H says he cannot achieve an erection right now at all. I'm sure it is the AD's, in addition to the inadequately treated depression, in addition to the psychological stressors of not being able to maintain an erection, let alone achieve one. A vicious cycle if there ever was one.

I am a "recovering" LD and want our renewed marriage to be the best sexually that it can be for both of us, but I need lots of advice to prepare for the reconciliation if/when it happens. I am not expecting a sex life of any kind immediately, but I do expect to progress to that level and reconnect sexually at some point.

Hairdog, I have read in several of your posts that you are on antidepressants and are HD. How does this affect you? Do you feel that your depression is under control and getting better? Do you expect to wean yourself off the AD's at some point in the future? Any erection probs?

I would appreciate any and all comments, advice, thoughts, questions, etc., from any interested poster.

Thanks,
LG

Hi Lostgirl. I am on Effexor, and take three 75mg pills each morning. My doc started me off at 37.5mg, then up to 75, then up to 125, then we finally hit 225mg, which seems to help me.

How has it changed me? It's got a few side effects, one of which is yawning, which I did anyway, because my job is kind of boring. One side effect is a bit of clenching of the jaw, but it seems to have abated. (I've been on Effexor for about 2.5 months.)

Sexual stuff. It definitely, initially, affected my libido. I stopped thinking about sex all the time, and only thought about it 23.5 hours a day. No, wait, I guess I thought about it maybe 1/4 as much as I used to. Physically, I could get an erection, but I definitely had to work at it, and I could ejaculate, but that was more difficult, too. These side effects lasted about 2 months, and really pissed me off. I even went to the doc and got a free 6 pill pack of Viagra, which I keep in my hope chest, right next to my Kama Sutra book, my jar of Astro-Glide lube, and my bottle of Geritol.

Now, I seem to be close to back to normal, where I think about sex a fair amount of the time, can get an erection fairly easily, and can ejaculate just like old times.

I did have an unfortunate event with my W when we were actually about to ML, and I lost my erection. However, this was during that first month or so of the AD, and, admittedly, there was a lot of other stuff going on. I.e., we hadn't had sex for about 4 months, she was not really "helping" me, if you know what I mean, and we had a sleeping baby in the room. Perhaps because of the AD and the nervousness of the semi-annual event, it ended awkwardly.

But, that said, I actually like Effexor, and the fact that I'm not as down as I used to be. I'm actually in a pretty good mood most of the time.

Will I wean myself off? Not without consulting my doctor. Getting off the ADs is a tricky prospect. You can't just quit taking them.

I had always heard that Wellbutrin had fewer sexual side effects than other ADs. Maybe that's for women, though. Or maybe he's just not at the right dose. It takes some time.

He should go to his doctor and get a free pack of Viagra, or Levitra, or Cialis. Have him use it by himself one day, just for a "test drive." I bet it will do the trick. Sometimes, you just need a confidence booster. You can get really hung up on things like this, ESPECIALLY when you are depressed.

I hope the two of you are able to work things out. I wish my W would get motivated like you have. Not only would I be a happy camper, it would make her life so much greater, too. If she could just let herself go....

Good luck, and thanks for your interest in my erection. It's nice to feel useful.

lost_girl:

Not trying to be mean or anything but lack of sex for a HD spouse is VERY depressing. Does he have depression beyond this, or is it just due to the poor sex life?

Hello CeMar,

No meanness taken. I will be the first to take responsibility for my contributions to the failure of our marriage, however, my H has numerous problems beyond just that of being depressed for lack of sex.

My H's depression has gone untreated for many, many years. His depression affected me so badly in the past that I went and sought my own treatment for depression. We both thought that I had the problem with depression because mine was so overtly expressed. He was depressed too, but it was a covert depression until just a few weeks ago when he had a meltdown.

Some contributing factors to my H's depression over the last 15 years:

Poor R with his father all his life, then his father died suddenly and unexpectedly.

The end of his M with his first W. My H divorced her.

His XfirstW took his kids with her to the east coast to raise them after the D, half the country away from him. He only saw them twice a year thereafter.

Started having problems with erections in early 40's.

Diagnosed with adult onset diabetes in early 40's, discovers that much neuropathy damage has been done due to years of uncontrolled high blood sugar.

Loses complete ability to have erection, but achieves some minimal help with Viagra. Side effects of med are difficult for him to deal with though.

We go through a difficult period trying to decide if we want to have kids. We ultimately do not.

I lose my job and am out of work for 7 months. My H had a REALLY BIG problem with this. He did not like having to support me for that period of time.

Over the years, my H has struggled with drug addiction, addiction to porn (videos and internet), violence and drinking.

He has had multiple business failures.

My H has had numerous affairs with women, one of which was with me when he was with his first W.

He is embroiled in another affair now, thus the reason for our separation.

My H is deeply in debt, approaching, if not more than, $100,000, from all of his failed business attempts.

I think that about covers the major points contributing to his depression.

Our sex life in the beginning of our R was exceptional--2 to 3 times a DAY, every day, and this went on for several years. Of course we did it his way all that time. My needs were not met very often and mostly I felt used, not loved. My H has ALWAYS hated kissing and foreplay. I didn't get either until he started having erection problems and we had to give the Viagra time to work. So foreplay suddenly was a necessity for him to coax an erection. I actually got some deep, passionate kisses from him too on occasion.

So I have not always been LD. I became this way in self-defense, I believe. You can see we will have a lot of issues to work through if we reach the reconciliation stage.

Hairdog,

Can you tell me if you are taking the Effexor because your sex life has you depressed, or is it other things affecting you as well?

Also, was Effexor the first AD you tried or did you try others too, but just felt Effexor was right for you? How long have you been taking the AD?

I hope we work things out also, but if you caught my previous post to CeMar, you can see we have a lot to work through for my H, in addition to all my contributing problems.

Thanks for your input! (Pun intended.)

LG

Hey LostGirl! Sounds like you've got your hands full with your H.

To answer your questions of me, whether I took Effexor because of my sex life, I resisted taking ADs for a long time because I know that they are not what you need to be taking for situational depression. However, my "sitch" was the lack of affection, intimacy, and yes, sex, in my M, and it showed no signs of changing, so "situational" became "chronic." I was going into these long inner monologues that would begin when I woke up, and would occur periodically during the day, and often, would keep me awake at night. They were always about how I felt unloved, trapped, and hopeless. Those monologues still happen, but they are short, less hopeless, less desperate. They no longer control my thoughts.

There was nothing else to speak of that was really contributing to my depression.

Effexor was the first AD my doctor prescribed. I had done some research and couldn't decide between Wellbutrin and Effexor, and my doc said that he had prescribed both and had had better results with Effexor. That was good enough for me, as I really trust him.

I wish you luck in dealing with your situation...you have a challenging road ahead, but don't we all, in one way or another?

I'd be happy to answer any other questions, too.

hd,
I have spent many sleepless nights constructing monologues trying to describe my feelings and writing imaginary letters to Agony Aunts (I once wrote a real letter to an Agony Aunt and she told me to stop wasting my time and find someone else - which I did but it just got me into more trouble). Since joining this forum I have not spent any time on this self-indulgence - I tell you lot instead!
SD

Hi All,

Well, H and I have reached the reconciliation stage. You HD's would be proud of me--I initiated ML last night that included a BJ AND I also initiated this morning. Took a lot of stuff to heart from this forum and made lots of deposits in my H's love account.

H's doctor has now put him on Effexor and is weaning him off the Wellbutrin. The Effexor definitely had an affect on H's erection. He lost it three times even after having taken 100mg of Viagra, but we kept right on trying! This morning H had an excellent erection without any Viagra, but couldn't finish. Looks like it will take some practice to get in the groove again with the meds. Looking forward to all that practice and will keep you posted!

LG

Remember what I told you...it took about two months on the Effexor for me to get back to normal. Just make sure that when you're ML, you give lots of "attention" to him, don't EVER get frustrated, and keep on doing it!

Go, Lost Girl, Go!!!

YOU GO GIRL!!!!.

Lee