Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers dday, rebooted

Change of thinking here tonight.

Been reading a thread, with some of Sandi s WW advice and explanation.

I did not quit. I do not treat xw any way but with love and respect. I did not break apart my kids family. I have not intentionally made our lives tremendously harder. Xw did all this.

I need to have more respect for myself and start moving forward with my own life "as if" she won't return. I truly hope she comes to me, remorseful and humble and wanting to reconcile our M. That needs to be the only thing that I look for. I can and will be ok, either way. She is in the wrong now, not me. It's on her to take the first step to fix it.

It has been over 6 months apart, and she still goes and spends her alone weekends with her parents. Still can't bear to be alone? I hope she starts to realize that.

Done thinking about that. Time to drop the rope and let her carry this burden alone

You got it now, good stuff.

D!!! Yes...this is how detachment begins!

It is a much better approach than negativity - but it takes any pressure/expectations off you, and puts all of it on the WAS, which is where it should be.

This is how I was finally able to let H go. I keep saying it, but I think until you get there, you don't understand it. I love H, even as awful as he's been (because I know a different version.) I'm letting him go because I love him. Whatever is going on with him is stronger than his desire to stay with me.

Until he can return to me, wanting to be here, I'm better off without him. I don't need or want a reluctant partner. I am willing to be alone, rather than have that.

It's up to him. I'm done, with love. I think you finally get it now.

Great insight, your evolving. Dday, you can't see it from where your standing but everything is going to be alright. Relax your mind, enjoy your boys and fill your life with love.

From FO on mutatio's thread:

"I think a human being can only go so long with carrying this heavy load of attachment and being in limbo, after a certain point you need to let it go or you will get sick or clinically depressed. I could feel it in my body and soul, that I just couldn't carry it anymore.

Dday and Mut, I think you are ready. I can sense a difference in both of your postings, I think you are ready to start feeling better and taking back some control of your own life."

I agree completely. I don't know why I feel in limbo even after the D. My high hopes are kicking my a$$ most days. Why do I keep seeing things in an unrealistic view. IF xw decides to try again, it could be months or years from now. I may or may not want it by that time. I need to keep reminding myself that she chose this. She wants this more than she wants to be with me. Hopefully sometime soon she will decide the opposite. We shall see. (words of xw) It's the truth though. Don't have a crystal ball, and I am not a fortune teller.

Well....yes and no. She is in the wrong for her half. You are in the wrong for your half.

Dont lose sight of your own personal improvement while you are wrapped up in letting XW go.

From FO on mutatio's thread:


Even if you had one, wouldnt you rather believe that you had some control on your future?

If you KNEW your XW was coming back, would you work as hard?
If you KNEW she wasnt coming back, would you give yourself the time to heal?

True az. I know I screwed things up. But, I guess what I am referring to is that I am actively trying to better myself. Maybe she is too, who knows. We both messed things up. That is true. Right now, she is not willing/ready to fix them, and may never be.

I guess instead of knowing the future, which right now I would love, I have to do things that will benefit myself and the boys either way it turns out. I have no control right now of a possible R, until xw decides that she wants that. She left the fate of our M up to the feeling of missing me. We have lived separate 7 months now, and apparently that feeling hasn't returned. So, my thinking is that I need to be doing something differently. Maybe detachment is that thing. I still feel "hooked" and she still isn't wanting to try and restore our family. If I can truly and honestly let go, I won't feel so hooked anyway. May or may not do anything for her feelings. I just can't wrap my head around letting go. Still trying though!

I agree. My point was that in seeing you say this:

She is in the wrong now, not me.

it makes me think that you believe you are "finished".

Just like she put 100% of the blame on you at BD, dont allow yourself to put 100% of the blame on her, now.

YESS! DDAY, once you drop the rope trust me it gets better.
I never to this date would have thought i could drop the rope being so attach to my W was killing me. The day i drop the rope once when things started getting better. I felt at peace, i felt confident. It was different. But dont get me wrong i still at times get these emotional roller coasters where i start telling myself " who am i kidding" "i do need her" But thankfully i snap out of them.

When the idea of , (i cant force someone to be with me, and that life really does go on after divorce) sync in to me I was ok. Everyone i talk to they tell me i look great and look at peace. And everyone is happy for me , even through this trouble. You keep you head up DDAY is not easy i know. But WW will have to deal with this decision , and perhaps she might rethink it or maybe she never will. At the end of the day Dday youll be fine. I salute all the strong men/women that are here fighting for their marriage. We are the real MVP.

Angel, I sure hope it gets better. I also hope she does deal with it, and want to try. Thanks!

Az, finished... do you mean that I am a finished product (I'm a work in progress), or that the two of us are done? I truly hope not. I do not really blame her. I forgive her. But right now, she holds all the cards. I have to take care and better myself and the boys.