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For the most part, I get that 25yearsMLC. Here's the thing - HE keeps forcing the issue & the convo. I back off, let go, whatever, and he is forever in my face or texting me that *I'm* being self-absorbed and avoiding our issues. I know I'm not his "judge", his mother, his punisher.
THAT's the problem. He is forcing it.

For example: Last night we played a video game, put the girls to bed and I went to take care of a few things. He played more of the game. At 10 (VERY early for him!!!), he went to bed. I finished up and went to bed.
This morning, 2 texts:
"Silent passiveness is not progress. Its prideful self-focus and self-pity. You continue to become more of a pain than a help."
"With or without words you're saying all self-absorbed things"
We haven't really spoken for several days - just general family business stuff (our God-son was in the hospital, scheduling, etc.)

Further, you all seem to be focused on the porn aspect. That's a symptom, and it's affecting both of us, but it's not my focus, so I'd like to refocus away from that, please. Sheesh.

Hmmm. Spoke to the DB counselor this AM. Mostly background info discussion but what he did advise is contrary to what many of you advised. Still processing it & busy at work. Will try to get online later.

Well, still thinking about the things he said. LIke I said, much sounded different than what you're advising. He did stress GAL. He said 2 things H believes fully: that he knows me completely and that I'm never going to change. Sounds true. He didn't say anything else on that though.
THought of a bunch of questions to ask after we were done. DUH.
He said I should speak up more about what I want/need - this sounded TOTALLY different than the DB stuff. He even implied I SHOULD confront H about the porn and I should continue to try to talk w/him.
So I'm really confused.

Kyrie,

I am sorry that you continue to feel confused. Such a difficult place to be.

I am interested in what you see has the differing advice. I am curious. For future reference for others who might be in your position. Specifics would be good.

It is never our intention to add to your confusion. We really do want the best for you, your H and children.

Thanks Jellyb XXX

Whatever your DB coach says once they have all the relevant info, should be followed as best you can. I doubt any vets here would say otherwise.

I base my advice on what I've read here on your thread which you authored (which is about half of all of it, b/c I couldn't find the whole "kyrie" thread)

AND what I understand about DBing from my own coach, and from what worked for me.

But if/when it is in conflict, I would not want to add to your confusion. I'm a fan of DB coaches, big time.

As Jelly said, however, it would be instructive for us to hear how the advice differs.

Could you elaborate?

Also, I can see your frustration with your h bringing things up. Like he just wants to battle.

But I'm not clear about what exactly HIS suggestion is to DO - you as a couple- (other than you change)?

I mean, does he SAY outright that he wants a divorce?

And what is his work situation?

A lot of men tend to really identify who they are by what they do and how much they earn. So I have to wonder what role that plays in this (which is not your issue, but might be part of his--as in, "You must make him feel better that he's not employed")

Moderators,

I'm sure missing that "edit" button...

DB an addict has its own slant and tactics.

I was advised by an abuse specialist counsellor to call on the addiction.

Your WH is an overt addict, what does this mean? You are aware he is addicted and it is possible he is still denying it to himself. If he were covert you would need to really dig to know.

So yes, calling him on the addiction is cutting your enabling. You will need to be safe and have dates times locations. You can even do this by email. This should be done matter of fact without anger or judgemental.

Addiction is illness.

Above all be safe.

V

Yes 25, me too.......

V