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I can't cope with this any more.

Focus - yes you can. You can cope. Please don't tell yourself things like that. This road leads to depression! I don't want that for you - you've been doing so very well.

It's upsetting when H re-enters the picture. You've been a part of his life for so very long it's bound to happen. You cannot let these small interactions bring you down so far.

Are you talking to an IC? Lately, your posts are getting darker and darker. I'm really starting to worry about you, and am not sure you're getting the support you need to work through all this.

If not, please set up an appointment soon? It won't take much to have you feeling much better again - but if you do nothing - it's not going to take much for you to start feeling even worse.

I care, focus. I'm not the only one. Your first priority is you. Please take care of you.

Thank you Ancaire.

I tried to distract myself with some of my own work yesterday, and making some positive plans for myself for the future. I updated my CV and emailed a couple of people I've worked for, asking if they could be my referees. So I had a nice chat with them by email.

And then a very lovely thing happened. One of my friends (who I've only just got back in touch with after having drifted away from, about 10 years ago), messaged me to see how I was. Amazing timing. We had a nice chat via Whatsapp.

I walked home again (took me an hour).

Cried a lot and didn't sleep much.

Things to feel grateful for, positive about, and hopeful for:

* I managed to find a new accountant. That means I won't have to deal with the old accountant, who also always did my H's accounts. Plus she's about half the price.

* I got a message from one of my best friends, who wants to meet up tomorrow for a chat.

* I'm enjoying reconnecting with my old friend from years ago and think that we will be friends for a good while this time.

* I have been offered some freelance work in one of my fields.

* I am busy planning for my future, looking for more work and asking for help from the those people I know who can help me most. They have all been very positive about my ideas and plans.

* I am slowly managing to catch up with everything that I fell behind with (with my own work) over these past few months.

* I've found a few bargains clothes shopping, and am enjoying branching out, style wise. I feel more elegant and put together than previously now, and have had lots of compliments on how I look (including from my IC).

* I had my last session with my IC today, and she was very positive and complimentary about me and how I was dealing with everything. She said that she thought it was only normal that I should feel so low at times. She also said I was very strong but she could see that I was allowing myself to feel things too, which was important (I'm very much one for keeping the facade up at all costs to the outside world).

* I have found other people to be far more forgiving for the mistakes that I have made these past few months than I ever thought possible.

I am sorry you are feeling so low. I have felt very up and down even within the same day. IC has been a pretty big help for me, and I am only a month in. Any reason it is your last appointment?

So sorry you feel down but look at what you are greatful for today that's amazing. I know it's a long road but in the end you will come out stronger that you have ever been.

Big hugs :-)

Yup, up and very, very down...all in the course of one day.

My counselling has been free on the NHS here. The downside is that you take the counsellor you are assigned, and can't choose. And you only get a limited number of sessions (I can't remember if it was 6 or 8 sessions I had).

It's been nothing but an extremely positive experience for me, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.




Thank you Rouky.

Today I think I am going to see one of my closest friends. She's been away on holiday for 4 weeks, so we'll have plenty to talk about.

She's also a hairdresser and wants to practise on me. She's going to curl my hair for me. So excited

And it's lovely and sunny here today. It feels like spring could be just around the corner.

Nothing better than a bit of pampering. You deserve to look after yourself. Asing as you do something that will prevent your brain to over think you are on the right track.
Have a great chat with your friend :-)

Rouky, I had lovely few hours!

We had a bit of a catch up, a laugh about how manipulative (and pathetic) Mr Flirt had been, and she did my hair too. I felt a million dollars when I left.

I bumped into someone I've worked in the past when I was out later on. My H has worked with him and knows him too, but he didn't ask about my H when we were chatting, so I wonder if maybe he knows what's happened?

Anyway, it was quite funny...I caught the tiniest millisecond of an admiring glance from him as we were chatting. Made me smile to myself as I went on my way.

I've been doing some tidying up. I have lots more to do.

I'm conscious that I'm basically pretty much waiting for the next few days to pass until my H leaves for the States, and then I'm pretty certain he won't be getting in touch with me while he's still away (he comes back at the start of May).

I don't often feel jealous of anyone...pretty much never really. I always feel genuinely happy when friends have something good happen for them and when they share it with me.

But I'm getting a bit of a choking feeling when I think of my H being in New York. I have always wanted to go there. I knew a couple of years ago that he would be going there for work and I was really looking forward to going to visit him. Now he'll be there, probably with OW as well, sharing some amazing, new, exciting experiences. I feel a bit cheated out of what *we* should have been sharing.

I don't know what to do with that feeling? It's such a weird feeling for me.

Focus, you never know. NY is a wonderful place, but it can be stressful too. Any change is stressful. You don't know what he'll experience. The time and distance might be just what you both need.
Do you have any reason to believe OW will be in NY with H?

Why wouldn't she go and visit? She's an old work colleague and knows everyone on the team. I would go if I were her. I'd be beyond excited.

I also think he's in full running away from his problems mode. He has been for about three and a half years now, with his work having taken him all over the world with barely any time at home in between (a couple of odd weeks here and there during that time, tops).

He's been getting high on that particular adrenalin rush for the past three and a half years, and it's been getting more and more intense, more and more frenzied on his part.

He's already collapsed once - just over three years ago - and ended up in hospital. Doctors couldn't work out what was wrong with him. Said in the end it was some sort of virus he'd picked up when he was working in South America. I now think it was to do with the first EA and OW 1, as that happened just before he collapsed. I reckon it was more to do with his guilty conscience. He thought he could leave it behind in South America, and he didn't realise it would travel back home with him.

The adrenalin rush he's chasing is to do with being in lots of new places, one after the other, without much time to stop and think, or time to come back down to earth. That adrenalin rush is also to do with him being a major part of something that's been incredibly successful, and getting lots of attention wherever he's been because of it (including attention from OW 1 and OW 2). And there has been *a lot* of alcohol and drugs in there too, another kind of high.

So I reckon the next few months are gonna be *all* about him running away. This time round without me there, either with him or at home, as his wife (although we're still legally married).

Then he'll come back here.