Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help..I am drowning

litb....not sure I could stomach finding out about an A right now as this is hard enough but it may explain more than what I am grasping at now.

Not sure when I get to eat again as I have a pit in my stomach every day.

couldn't find info on starsky except a post or 2.

Got 1/2 way thru the Divorce Remedy book...is this alot different than DB?

Here is a link to a great post from sandi2 about intel. Post #2644016
Post from sandi2

I realize that it is a lot to digest. Not trying to overwhelm you.

Let's talk about you. How's your GAL going? What has changed about you since you began this journey?

I'd suggest to read and re-read the links that Cadet has provided. Detachment, boundaries, GAL and not being an enabler are within your control.

thanks...will re-read

It has been harder than expected I think of her alot and now that I suspect maybe an A it is hurtful even more although no evidence yet. Found new teeth whitener stuff , self tanner etc.....on her way to single hood OR for maybe someone she met. It is eating me inside....

Alot has changed since I began this in silence months ago but I really need to focus on detaching I can't feel or look for the hope that she is rational or really wants to work this out...that ship has left. I just have not been able to push away...

I am polite but short with her. Texts are OK, etc...just task stuff.

But I don't know how long I can do this.....

You are very early in your sitch, so I realize this is a ton to process.

Do you journal? I don't recall if you posted your goals. Goals that are independent of your W. Examples: volunteer, exercise, hobbies, spending quality time with the important people in your life (other than your W), making memories with your D, etc.

You have choices here. This is an opportunity for you to change YOU and to change YOUR WORLD. You can choose to let this mess put you on your knees and keep you there....or you can use this time to grow and become the best Rich possible.

When you focus on YOU, time becomes irrelevant. Why you may ask? Because you are working on yourself and no matter what happens with your W....you still have YOU.

That being said, you will have more influence on the outcome than you recognize at this time.

Sitch has been going on since mid August...just haven't added that to my signature yet which I should so its been a painful ride

But the bad part of the sitch just started in January so yes early

I don't journal. And do need to put down some goals as they are in my head like volunteering which I did today. Drove an elderly lady to the doctor as she can't drive. Went bowling with my D....keeping it going.

Hopeful I can get to the YOU as you point out. Thanks for the words of encouragement

I finished the DR book. I need to work on detaching and doing a 180 as I wish I picked this book up about 4-5 months ago when the "I am not sure I can do this anymore" came out

There wasn't much I got out of the book that already wasn't posted here based on where I am at with the big D. She is gone and unlike some stories here of hope to reconcile, I have a strong headed wife and we have some major baggage that I dont think she will leave alone...no past A but enough that she has moved on

I know many of you have been here but it seems so hopeless in terms of any type of hope. I will continue to work on myself and keep busy .....

Anyone have a good enlightening story where their W/H went to a lawyer, said divorce is happening and then "???" how many weeks or months later changed course?

Yes there are lots of reconcilliation stories.
It is more than weeks and months may change to years however they are out there.
Read the homework.
In the newcomers resources is Mozza's thread that has lots of links to them.

Just one? What kind of 180(s)?


Pretty much everyone's wives here are "strong headed". I think it takes that kind of woman to go down this path. Regardless, if she wants to come back, she will find a way. Your job is just to keep the pathway clear.


Just to be clear, the point of GAL is not just to "keep busy". There are so many benefits besides just being busy. But ultimately, if you do the work to heal and grow, then you never know what you'll find. Just start walking down the path; no need to try to control where it goes.

thx Cadet/Azzork

Right now it is keeping busy so I can figure out what makes me happy. I need to keep my mind off of her and on making my way and my daughter/dogs.

She is coming back from being away 4 days with her girlfriends and i know things will be even more uncomfortable. I am dreading it and gladly won't be around as much due to business travel etc...

180s- to start with I am not sleeping in the guest bedroom anymore. We can figure out a schedule each month or something but I am not living like a visitor; I used to work out of home but since this D stuff I got a temp office and pay for it. Come March 1 I will no longer pay for it and will work out of home if needed unless my company will pay. Why inconvenience myself? She has a book release that is now the focus of her life vs me and the daughter. Taking up tennis which is a 180 as she plays and it was something I wouldn't do in the past.


One area I wanted advice is the following. She has a book coming out and it has been the focus for her the last year. Also part of why I think she now has a more focused love which is all about herself which I didn't support as I needed in the past. Would me asking how this is going and being engaged by totally going against the DB? It would be somethign totally different than what I have been doing.

You may want to read Crimson's story. They actually got divorced, but last I heard, they were reconciled. However, there was no infidelity there.

I think it took two years, or longer, before his XW started coming back around.