The fact that you're participating in the retreat (which is a great benefit to YOU and HER in the long run) is a "gift" in and of itself....however, if you're so inclined, get her a small token gift for her birthday. Nothing extravagent. A hand written note inside a birthday card and maybe a gift certificate for her favorite luncheon spot would be nice.
If you do the 'note' thing...don't grovel...just a brief expression like: "Hope you have a wonderful birthday, why not treat yourself and a guest to lunch while I'm at the retreat working on becoming a better man." short simple and it says a whole hell of a lot.
T2
Hope you don't mind if I pick your brain and if you feel comfortable enough to share. Can you give out a little background info on yourself. Am wondering what you think contributed to your attitude/outlook on life..your anger about everything?
Well, lets see. I grew up in a household where my dad was THE definite ruler, you either did what he told you, or you got the crap beat out of you. He is in the oilfield and when I was young, he traveled alot, but when he came home he reminded you who was boss. My mom took alot of her frustrations with my dad out on us boys ( I have two older brothers) and as with my dad, it didn't matter where the belt landed or how hard it hit when you were punished, head, back, legs...all over really. They also fought ALOT, verbally and some physical...throwing things also. My brothers and I witnessed this first hand.
Flash forward...My 1st marriage, we were young, I was 21 and she was 18. Her mother died during our 1st year when I was away at tech school while in the Air Force. While I was there I, she was back home in Corpus Christi, Tx which is where I'm originally from. I always heard reports form friends that she was seen with so and so and so forth, but I never believed it. Anyway, after her mother died and I gradfuated tech school, I got based in New Mexico, well, she turned into an emotional block of stone,when ever I would try and console her when she was down about her mother, she would push me away, especially at night when in bed, you get the idea. I think I carried some of these feelings of rejection over into this marriage because there were times when I wanted to just touch my current wife and I just couldn't, I'd lock up. I never ever got physical with my 1st wife, and God help me I don't know why I started with my current. My therapist says it's because I was so afraid she was going to leave me that I held on to tight and tried to control her, so I basically made happen just what I was trying to avoid.
There are other things that have happened to me in my life that I believe have contributed to this state I'm in now, but they are to numerous and way to painful to discuss on this BBS.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
Lonestar, I think you did awesome. And as far as being manly, hey, my H is very manly. 6'2" muscular, avid sportsman, etc. But he used to cry when telling me how beautiful he thought I was. It's not "not manly" to love someone. I think it is "more manly" to allow yourself to open to the hurt love can inflict on you. IMHO, a man who is afraid to love is not a man at all. It takes guts to love someone.
Quote: I grew up in a household where my dad was THE definite ruler, you either did what he told you, or you got the crap beat out of you. He is in the oilfield and when I was young, he traveled alot, but when he came home he reminded you who was boss. My mom took alot of her frustrations with my dad out on us boys ( I have two older brothers) and as with my dad, it didn't matter where the belt landed or how hard it hit when you were punished, head, back, legs...all over really. They also fought ALOT, verbally and some physical...throwing things also. My brothers and I witnessed this first hand.
Similar sitch, substitute oilfield for construction, with my H except my H's mom is an alcoholic. I don't know what H's parents situation was like although from what my H has told me his mom would make things up that H did or change her story once H's dad was back home, I get the feeling she betrayed my H a lot, referred to her as a backstabber more than once.
Is your Father still alive? Have you forgiven your father or worked through your childhood issues...how old are you?
Both of my parents are still alive and they are still married. They both have changed alot and my dad has repeatedly stated how sorry he is about how we grew up, my mom has too. Their marriage is better now, if not perfect, and my mom reaquainting herself with God about 10 years ago has alot to do with it. Just last week I called my mom and dad on the advice of my therapist and told them that although I forgive them and love them both, I still had had alot of anger towards them that I was supressing and telling them was part of my therapy. My mom cried of course and I think my dad did too. I love both of my parents and I think that they really tried the best they could and I'm sure having 3 kids by the time they were 24 didn't help.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
