Julie - I like the way your mind chews at a problem. You really do try and look at things from all angles.
I would be a bit suspicious like you, too. It doesn't mean either of us would be right - it just means after so much hurt, we're about afraid to take things at face value.
The thing to remember, though, is that even R will take time. I think slow is best. There needs to be a period of no-pressure outings, fun things together, just reconnecting on some level. From the moment he BD'd you, your old M was over anyways. From this point on, it's a matter of creating a new one - one that is better, stronger than before.
As long as you and the children aren't struggling, it's best to move slowly - maybe slower than a turtle's pace. I think part of the problem when my H suddenly changed his mind about R, was that I wanted everything to go back to "normal" too quickly. I forgot that our normal was what he was trying to run away from.
Now, obviously, my H has other issues, and maybe it wouldn't have worked out - but if I had just accepted that everything I knew was over, I would have made far different decisions. I just couldn't grasp it quite that early in the situation. I really needed more time - which, ironically, is what I have right now! LOL All the time I need.
My H was absolutely crushed when I informed him we were not going to be friends. That tells me a lot. He still has feelings for me. He wants me in his life. He'll miss me if I'm gone. Those are actually good things - way down the road, we may be able to R.
Not now. No. I need to focus on me. He needs to get whatever this is out of his system. I'm resigned to a snail's pace. I really believe it is for the best. I'd probably be more content if we were doing this together - but that's not the way it went. I made so many mistakes. I'm not absolving him, but I clearly see, now that I know so much more, where my own actions threw R out the window. They may all have been completely understandable - but they still had an affect that I didn't want.
I'm all about saving M - saving families. I'm behind you 100%. I think your H is serious about R. I believe he doesn't know how to get there, and was so unhappy he's afraid to believe you guys can get to a better place. You and I know that it's possible. Compassion goes a long way. Patience is absolutely necessary.
Is money a factor in his mind? Probably. Is it the only reason? No. Money isn't usually a reason to make anyone stay in a R they don't want. Men are logical creatures - they like to look at everything in a very orderly fashion. He's looking at a lot of different things, and he's decided it makes more sense to try and work it out. He just can't see it successfully happening yet.
So, you're going to have to lead the way. Show him, with all that you've learned, that things will be different. You don't need to say a word...actions will be most effective. I'm so happy to see a couple with a good, solid chance! I'm so happy for you, Julie.
When we started marriage counseling over a year ago, I was pushing to get things back to normal and did not give husband the space he needed because I didn't understand it. Things escalated from there. So you are right that I have to go slow and be patient. I just feel pressured by time.
I don't know what actions to even do anymore. Before BD he just wanted me to stop with relationship talks, after BD he wanted me to stop with asking him about reconciliation. I stopped at end of October and now what do I do....basically am doing nothing. Which is probably all I can do.
What does he want? Me to go back full time is a big one. But I can't do so under these circumstances. This topic is a bit of a power struggle
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Husband took boys to store to pick out presents for me and then we went out for brunch. We caught up in a very polite way. I was actually light and upbeat. He seemed sad overall. He talked casually about himself. Didn't really ask much about me just about how my family was.
It was nice that he took us out and all. It's hard seeing him sad and knowing how angry he is at me. I can sense this overall dismay? I don't know. He just does not communicate with me.
I guess I just have to take it day by day
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, I just got back from church. I don't talk about church or God a lot, I am not comfortable talking about it to be honest, but while listening to the sermon, I suddenly had a strong feeling that this message was related to you. The pastor was talking about the story of Daniel and he got onto the topic of Bold Honesty. He said that "bold honesty" must be delivered with love, otherwise it is best to not say anything at all. He said that the truth without love can do more harm than good. That two people can hear the same exact message, the same exact "truth" and depending on their feeling for the messenger, or the messenger's feeling for them, they can interpret things in a completely different way. That we should consider our intentions and our track record with some one before delivering a truth. And if our track record is not "solid and loving" then we should work on that before delivering the truth. I guess that really applies to all DB'ers, all relationships actually.
Anyway, I was thinking about you. Hoping you are having a good day, is today your birthday? Happy Birthday.
Fo, yes thank you. I was actually not in mood to do much tonight. I have kids this weekend yet feeling really lonely. Friends invited me out but I just didn't want to arrive and then leave alone. Other times I don't mind, but today I did. I will be up before 7 so can definatly catch up on sleep anyway.
I have just reread your message a few times and I am going to mull over it.
My husband has tons of resentment for me, so anything I say at this point regarding us might not be taken well. I have resentment for my husband so when I say something to him I need to first examine why I am saying it. The intent of many of my comments is to hurt because I hurt and I need to be careful. I am going to come back to your post right before next discussion with husband.
When we talk about anything that is not superficial I end up trying so hard to get him to understand me and he does the same and we both end up leaving the conversation feeling hurt and misunderstood. I think I am going to commit to just trying to understand his point of view for now and focus on that in our next conversation. I worry that it is too late.
His demeanor during brunch could have been many things. I always have interpreted him wrong. But he just seemed sad, or maybe defeated like it's over? I don't know. The actions were positive though...he woke up early to come out (something we always fought over) and he let kids pick out gifts and he was there.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
after we went out today, I felt differently about husband. I did not have my usual anger torwards husband. I felt deeply sympathetic torwards him. I felt very worried because of one of his health issues he is not addressing . I feared for him doing poorly and regretted some of my actions that I know added to any feelings of suffering and were basically made to punish him....like isolating him on christmas, and thanksgiving. I guess, I don't want him to suffer right now. Before i did. I know that I love him right now before I did not.
Was this because my need of time together was being met? Or is it just that my feelings are unstable? I want to develop that connection with him again and I don't know how. What do I do now? work on acts of service? Ttalking is probably not the thing to do
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
after we went out today, I felt differently about husband. I did not have my usual anger torwards husband. I felt deeply sympathetic torwards him. I felt very worried because of one of his health issues he is not addressing . I feared for him doing poorly and regretted some of my actions that I know added to any feelings of suffering and were basically made to punish him....like isolating him on christmas, and thanksgiving. I guess, I don't want him to suffer right now. Before i did. I know that I love him right now before I did not.
Was this because my need of time together was being met? Or is it just that my feelings are unstable? I want to develop that connection with him again and I don't know how. What do I do now? work on acts of service? Ttalking is probably not the thing to do
This is great learning and vulnerability Julie. I loved reading about your experience of love. Too good. Gave me the warm fuzzies. I would read this as you getting your needs met.
BTW, some people who have LL as QT, need quality conversation as part of it. I don't do small talk at all, so when I partner asks me how my day went, I have no ability to rattle off the top of my head how I felt and what I did with my day. My response if you ever ask is, "it was fine". Now while out riding my bike with my partner on they way to have lunch at a local cafe, out will come how my week has been, what happened, how it changed my life, what I am doing next. My partners would say, why don't to tell me this stuff during the week when I ask. I have to have connection, time and space, and undivided attention before I can open myself up. It's strange but true.
Maybe conversation is really important to your sense of connection and love.
Just my 2c for today. Not sure when you Bday is, but please have a glorious one.
Julie, I feel the exact same way about my H and the resentment going both ways. I still have a ton of resentment but I decided several months ago to work that out in IC and here on the board, and focus my communication with him on just trying to understand him. I really feel like for me that was the turning point. It is not easy and I still wonder when I will get to voice my issues, if ever, and maybe at a certain point I won't need to any more. Or maybe when/if I do "get my turn" the intensity of my resentment will be a lot less and it will be an easier conversation. For now I know that trying to be heard, or to be "understood" was really just continuing our high conflict situation and wasn't working. I feel better now. Not like its been resolved, but my personal stress is decreased and I am happier.
My H, like yours, seems to not be doing well emotionally and the fact that I see him suffering makes it easier to put my issues on hold, in the scheme of things, I can wait. I have had a couple of slip-ups, so the emotion is still there, and H still is aware of how I feel, but for the most part I have let go of my need to defend myself or "make him see my side."
For what its worth, time will tell but this approach "feels" right to me, and from your post, it seems like your heart is softening and maybe this is the change in the dynamic you need as well.
I know the night is almost over (depending on where you are, I guess!) but happy birthday and good night.
