My DB coach had me write an apology letter to WAW. I did. It stated that the post BD days had been eye opening, and that I had come to realize [harmful behavior]. I told her she was a wonderful person and deserved to bloom again. I told her I wasn't writing this to change her mind as I know it was made up, but that I regretted the pain I had caused and wanted her to know that.
I read the letter to DB coach and she told me: "Good. Now make sure everything you do and say matches the tone of that letter." That became my mission statement.
Granted I didn't always feel that way. I went through my anger, my disgust, my disagreements with her attitude and behavior and choices. But I didn't show ANY of that to her.
Before any text or email I would reread the 37 rules, reread my letter, meditate, and pray. Or some combination of the four. My goal...to get myself into a spot where I was operating from my best self, so my voice would be consistent with the letter, my mission statement. I strove for validation and a place of peaceful strength. To this day I do that.
Zues - thank you so much for sharing that! I can actually see a path forward with this. I'm double, triply thankful now I didn't respond to his text. It was a cheeseless tunnel. I probably have him thinking harder now about it, than if I'd answered and made him angry.
I've been doing better, PMA, the last 2 days. This one didn't send me off the rails. For the first time ever, I just didn't act. I wasn't angry when I was speaking with him. I was pretty matter of fact. I may be detaching a bit more. It doesn't feel like it. I still love the man. I realize detaching means to let go, lovingly. Maybe this is where I'm headed. It just all feels so strange.
I can't thank you enough, friends, those who helped with this. I see myself making huge improvements. My attitude is better, I'm communicating more, I pick myself up and go after a mistake, and I'm asking the forum before I do anything I may regret. It took a while to get me to this spot!
I've gotten some great advice, and think I have a plan in place. I'll go back to neighborly treatment. Hopefully, he won't ask me anything about my friendship statement. If he does, I've got an answer prepared. I'm really hoping he doesn't show up in a mean vindictive mood. I like Zues' advice. I'm not apologizing anymore. I didn't do anything wrong telling him we weren't going to be friends. We're not.
Hi Ancaire. Sorry to jump into the conversation so late but it never ceases to amaze me how all of these stories are the same. I just two days ago had the nearly identical conversation with my wife. How amazing is it that she would explode by my simply stating that I do not want to meet with her. I told her that I would be respectful when we are together but that I was not ready to be chummy. Unfortunately there are frequent public events where we have to stand next to each other. Very hard. She also has no comprehension of why I could possibly have hurt in regard to her. Wow the angry stage for a WAS! Whoda thunk?
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Ancaire, you have gotten some great advice in this thread and I have even saved a couple of the responses so I can remind myself later! I do agree that you shouldn't even respond to his text at all. He is baiting you and trying to drag you into an arguement so he can tell himself again how this is all your fault because you're being irrational. Don't let him do it! Much better to let him sit there and think about what he's done. Whatever you tell him, he's not going to believe anyway and, in his eyes, you're just going to come off as negative and picking on him because he's looking for reasons to justify his actions and make your marriage problems all YOUR fault instead of his. It's not your fault, but he will have to figure it out on his own time because you will never be able to convince him no matter what you say. Great job with STFU! I'm working on that one myself.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Shotgun - You are not allowed to apologize for jumping into a conversation, no matter when you show up! The welcome mat is always rolled out for my friends. "Come as you are, as soon as you can." That'll be my new motto!
MB - I really appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts. It is so helpful to me. I'm so happy I chose to just ignore his texts. I have to think of a nice way to defuse the situation next time I see him. Julie's advice, as well as Zues', really rang true for me.
Acting "as if" everything is fine. Treating him with the same kindness I would if he actually ever listened to one of my apologies. (No more apologies, promise.) I haven't been acting true to myself, that is certain. I have been all over the place, emotionally. I never saw this coming. Had never imagined it. So, it's not like I role-played or had any clue how I was supposed to act.
I'm a pretty emotional person, which is both good and bad, I feel things deeply - but feelings can throw me off-center, and then anything can happen (ie wreck a car!) What I'm confused about is why H had such a negative response to my calm statement, that we will not be friends. I wonder if the why even matters? It just confuses me.
So....any ideas how to help me defuse the situation?
But, I think I'm detaching. I'm ready to let him do what he thinks he has to do. I'm not happy about it, but no more attempting to control him.
Hi Ancaire, Julie wrote this here and I had to repost her words. Julie wrote:
"It's also a waste of time to analyze husband and whether he is upset or not. It's all irrelevant. You have to give him time. By fighting with him or analyzing him you are not giving him time to miss you. You were married 21 years, eventually he will but you have to let him.
I know you know this but you keep doing it anyway. (I did too smile )
Act as if everything is fine. That you are going to be fine. That things are the way you want them to be. That none of this happened. ( I know sounds like denial) but that was my advise from coach. Basically be friends, don't pursue or talk about relationship. Let him initiate friendship. Start by not fighting with him. Show yourself in a good light. Be pleasant. Positive behavior is contagious right? Combat his darkness with your lightness. Act as if. Ascend from your errors, which came from his downward spiral. You are funny and empathetic and insightful and you need to stop letting him drag you down to his level. Maybe by doing this you will bring him back up to yours."
Ancaire, I think her words are brilliant. I hope you give them careful consideration. They resonate within me and shine the light down the path. These are words I will strive to live. Julie you truly helped me, thank you Julie, thank you Ancaire
M - I completely agree. This post pointed me in the correct direction, resonated in every bone of my body, and changed my mindset! She hit the mark with it.
I'm looking for direction on how to undo what I did, with my thoughtless, "We will not be friends." H holds a grudge. It will come up. I'm looking for ideas/suggestions....brilliant ones, like this ^^...lol
I think time and correct speech will lay the foundation for the future your looking for. The question is what kind of future do you envision? Know the destination and the path will appear.
Mutatio - I know you will believe me insane, but I promise you - this current beast is not the man I married. If the man I married should ever reappear, I will jump for joy. So, knowing that he's somewhere in there, probably as confused as I am, I guess I'll have to apologize once again. Crap. I can't reason with him. I have to wait for him to exit this tunnel. Maybe I can pull one of his tricks, and blame it on him? "You misunderstood me." Let me ponder...
