Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Battles of the sexes?

Listen, you! LOL

I've taken your advice to me to heart. I've faithfully been acting "as if" - and I have to tell you, the advice was good. Will I likely be able to bust the impending D? No. But that's ok. Communication has improved dramatically. H sees me enter a room and smiles. He seeks me out for my opinion.

I also witness him running away when he starts feeling "too close". You know those married moments, when you just both "get it" at the same time? That's happening again, and poor H is so confused he doesn't know what to do.

Because of you sharing your advice, I'm being the best version of me that I can be - and it's helping!

Time to follow your own advice. In this case, look at what H is doing. That is a big, big change!!!

Zues, I agree. I think he really does not know what he wants. this hurts me greatly because, come on we were together for 14 years. Plus our last year together was awful because of a lot of external factors. Him leaving was a huge insult to my pride. It's hard to swallow that pride and that resentment, especially when I'm not sure the outcome is even gonna be all that good. I guess he feels the same way about the outcome part. Neither of us have faith in the relationship at this point.

JellyB, timing is a funny thing. Thanks for your support.

Ancaire, yes, I have the feeling if I act as if, it makes it easy for husband to come back. with this separation, I feel like we have become strangers. I feel uncomfortable with just small talk. If I was meeting a new person their is so much you can find out and make conversation about. All we really have that is safe to talk about is work and the kids.

To be honest, prior to separation having conversation with husband was like pulling teeth. Anything weird or philosophical I would ask him about, he would respond with answers like "I don't have time to think about stuff like that. I have too much going on at work". I was always trying to get him to do something interactive, like games or paint nights or anything and not once would he participate. Dinner where we struggled to make small talk or watching tv (and he always disappears the whole time anyway). I struggled against this and it often led to fights.
I don't know if this was because he was upset with me or if this is what he observed growing up. His father was like this with his mom, so it scares me...They both did their own hobbies separate. She went on vacations separate and basically his mom served and did everything for dad. . She tried her hardest to become interested in the things he liked (cars and football).

I am wondering if my husband is right. We cannot make this work because we have little in common and wanted different things out of a relationship. He wanted more independence and a team dynamic to get things done but separatly. I wanted a companion to have fun with and spemd time with.

It's funny my love languages are time spent and words of affirmation. I married a man that is independent and only child and prefers doing his own thing and horrible at communication.

Husbands love languages are acts of service and possibly gifts. He married a woman that is horrible at domestic stuff and never really cared about material gifts (I'm that awful person that feels like cards are a waste of money and prefers not to send them. Only when I have to for etiquette purposes)

I still have to read the book. I never even knew about love languages until marriage counseling and this forum.

Ok. So after conversation, I think my husband does want to work on reconciliation,but is frusturated with our inability to communicate and our opposing perceptions. And I think he does not know what to do so we can stop being angry, .. He is very angry that I took him to court without discussing it. He basically said the fact that he is still around and hasn't filed after I did that shows that he is not done.

I felt mixed emotions. I feel like he is blaming me and constantly finding things against me to be angry about. It's all about him. Now it's the court thing. But he left prior to that. I feel like he is just going to be angry at me no matter what I say and do. I told him every time I asked him for state mandated CS he gave me a hard time. (I realize that in my perception it is all about me)

But I guess there is truth to the fact that he has not pursued ending it.

We talked about how he felt that none of his needs were met by me and then didn't want to be around. He understood the cycle that started. We both agreed that we weren't meeting each other's needs and understood that it was due to different ideas of how needs should be met. He said me asking about other women frusturated him to no ends because most men don't leave family because of other woman and that he left because it was much more serious. That he wanted out and that he was having health issues because of stress etc.

He said he told me he did not want to reconcile in October because I was pushing him and he was angry and then after felt different once I left him alone.

He said he wanted to continue to talk about this but had been mad after being at court and needed to move past it and has moved past it. (He is still mad)

I'd imagine when he left he was hurt and frustrated and hoping you'd realize that and change your behavior. He didn't really want to end things so asking about CS wasn't what he wanted, and he was shocked that you did that. Almost like someone threatening suicide as a cry for help and being told 'ok, kill yourself, I'm going to the movies". I just don't think it's what he expected.

Just my interpretation.

Anyway he seems to be shooting straighter than most WAS's.

Do you two have plans to involve a counselor? Might I suggest a DB Coach? Where did you leave off?

Good job keeping your mouth shut. There is a tendency to want to tackle the hard stuff first so you don't waste time or get your hopes up. That wouldn't be a good idea.

Wow Julie, sounds like there has been some shift.

I have no doubt you are feeling mixed emotions. I would be too.

Sounds like the space your have given H, has given him room for pause.

The anger for both of you is likely the emotion covering all of the unmet needs and hurt, and maybe the tone of things before real connection and trust is built. The anger is to be expected. For both of you.

How are you feeling about walking this next part of the road?

Btw, I did initiate the conversation by coming out and asking directly why did he want to go out with me and kids..he said it was nice thing to do and for kids. (I have huge family and plenty of people to spend time with on my birthday) Then I just directly asked him if it was due to him wanting to work on reconciliation. Of course he tried to push answering off on another day like he has done in past. But he said if he did not want to work on reconciliation he would have filed and in different words basically said he was justified in doing so.

I am tired of the games...I'm not saying I am going to pick fights and pursue, but I think I need to be forward or this will go on forever. And you know something, if me being direct and to the point makes it so there is no reconciliation that's on him. I am at a point where I can leave as well and I am not going to worry about walking on egg shells. I am willing to make changes in some areas, but I am not willing to be put on a shelf until he is ready to deal.

This is not just about him and his crisis. It's about me as well. I Will work to move past things, I am willing to work on meeting his needs but a couple needs to communicate well for a marriage to work out.

Definatly need to read up on how to do my share and how to communicate.

Julie, I know you're in a lot of pain and are very tired of the ordeal. I have been known to rant at times and I appreciate it when people cut me some slack. I will do the same.

Reading the last post makes me hope you are blowing off some steam to us. Talking about being able to walk away right now, what you're prepared to do, what's on him...it is like a drunk stumbling around a bar with a loaded gun being waived at a crowd. It is a very dangerous situation.

Put the gun down Julie.

Zues, I think your interpretation about my husband is correct. He is really mad because he thinks the court was spite since I took so long to even cash the checks. Our conversation was peppered with anger, but we agreed on issues like the needs and miscommunication. I apologized for not talking to him before I filed (I had already apologized) We left off with meeting up for birthday celebration with kids. He said we have to talk about how we are going to proceed and that he was waiting to get past the anger over the court date. I am going to give him number for coach (I will be changing name and letting julie threads disappear) I am very fearful of counseling at this point.

We both agreed that we missed havimg each other to talk to.

JellyB, I am feeling unprepared for this next part. I never came close to that calm introspective state I recognize others here are at. I actually don't know how much work I did on myself and will have to think about that another day. Not enough, since still angry.

Inthink you are right about the anger.

I think from now on, I might have to listen to him in a detached way as if I am taking a medical history from someone in order to come up with a possible diagnosis. That's one way I suppose. It's remembering to do this when I am emotionally charged that's the hard part (kind of like remembering to take note of where you put your keys)

How do we get past the anger?

I am greatful for everyone on here. A lot of my family and my best friend thinks I should file. That we are not compatible, too different and they are surprised that we ended up together. They felt like this was my way out and I am only prolonging the agony and in three years we will be down same road.

Love the analogy Zues.

I know I do a lot of ranting. Righteous anger is my fallback mode. It does cause problems in my marriage. For most part, I am keeping it under wraps and just venting on here so I don't vent IRL.