Ask yourself this . . . . . Is it more important to you that you have an "overwhelming desire" for sex or an "overwhelming desire" to please your husband and make him happy. You don't have to have one to have the other.
But as far as the "freezing up" part, I don't know what to tell you. Thats a part of this that I still don't understand and probably will never get. To me being in love with my wife means that I will never deny her anything that is in my power to give. Even if giving it is detrimental to my own self. So I never understood "freezing up" just becuase one spouse asks for what they truly want and need to feel good in the relationship. In my mind, that part of the equation always boils down to the self matters outweighing the relationship matters. Freezing up in this situation to me means that someone is trying to give something to the relationship with terms attached to it. And when the terms are not accepted then the contribution to the relationship is withdrawn. Loving gifts should be given freely. If it were you and you started seeing signs of hope regarding your needs wouldn't you push too? Just a little maybe?
But then again, if I had all the answers and understood everything, I sure as hell wouldn't be here on this board now would I? =)
In the end, your husband has to accept that he can't use every opportunity for intimacy to initiate sex. And you've got to figure out what it is in your psychie that is telling you to "freeze up".
The way of saying no nicely for a HD is this. H says " hey honey you want to go make love." You say " I'm really tired today but on wednesday we will make love." If you say these things and then don't do it your H will resent it very much. If you say this and then go through with it he will start respecting you saying no. Because it just means that right now you are not into but you have given him something to look forward to, and hey if you get an intrest before then you can act on that and he will be floored.
I'll emphasis the part about following through. My W would say that she was tired and we were going to ML on Thursday/this evening/tomorrow etc however we have never (literally) had ML when she said we would. As a result I’m very negative and annoyed if she promises ML at a future date. I just don’t ask anymore, so follow through on your promise or don’t make it. It’s more important than you think.
Quote: so follow through on your promise or don’t make it
Very important! Just like in tennis, your follow through is crucial. And, just like in tennis, handle the balls with respect, and raise a racquet. And, (oh stop me) you start out Love-Love.
I just had an Ah Haaaa!!! moment... I turn him down, tell him another night, then make an excuse the next night not realizing he's been living for this night to come... pissed off H!!! Ugh, if I were him I'd be a lot more unhappy!!! Ok, this is my usual pattern... I've got to change it obviously. But it's back to the whole desire vs. no desire thing. And I really love my H... so what is wrong with me??? Where did my desire go??? Put an APB out: "One healthy hunk of desire missing... reward to anyone who has any information"!!!
Ya know, I have read so many posts about HD people just not 'getting' LD people, and I'm inclined to agree, but for a different reason. I just don't get why it leaves!
I think what happens is that the desire is different to begin with from you and your H. Then when you are dating or newly married things are new and fun. Then that starts to decline. You know what they say if you don't use it you lose it. So then you stop using it and start losing it.
I can't remember if I read this in Michele's book or not, but someone said that, early in the relationship, the "newness" factor stimulates the hormone testosterone (in both genders) and gives us that lusty desire. As the newness wears off, the testosterone slows down, and, well, we know what happens.
Jen, It is totally understandable that your desire has disappeared--life has a sucky way of doing that.
Something that might help is to really get in touch with what turns you on. Reconnect with your own body and remember what it is you like about sex. What about doing things like sending H a nice email? "Sexy" might be a little over the top at this point, but you could write about how handsome you think he is. Just any old ego boosting stuff. Or write a note. Or a quick phone call to say "I miss you and I'm thinking about you".
Anything like that to stroke him a little bit, and then concentrate the rest on you. Would things like some sexy new panties help put you in the right frame of mind? What about ditching all the ratty nightgowns (come on, all of us mothers have 'em, lol) and only wearing pretty things to bed from now on, or even nothing! Or getting a book of erotica and reading a little now and then..
I know these suggestions might not appeal to you, but I think it is essential that you get in touch with what turns you on so that this doesn't become a project about your H, but rather a project about YOU.
