We're all secretly envious of your spouse. Can you hear everyone here cheering you on? Good. Remember, its not the act itself but the desire that we so crave.
How to "just do it"? Well you could start by giving him passionate kisses instead of just those oh so quick pecks on the cheeks or lips whenever you get the chance (not all of your actions need lead to LM). Send him sexy email, leave little love notes or call him in the middle of his day just because. He will love it.
I don't know how long you have had SSM in your M but my bet is that if it has been this way for a long time, then he not admitting his real feelings to you.
Do try to keep up with what you are doing now. You need not necessarily discuss it with him as it will only provide pressure for yourself and as for your H he may be too afraid to hope for change only to be let down that is if you get his expectations up. Just try your best to keep doing what you are doing and observe the changes in him. Read up as much as you can and do follow the HDH's threads. It will give you a real good inkling about whats going on in your Hs mind. Oh and do keep us posted as we will undoubtedly follow your thread to see how you are progressing. Good luck. LH
Ok, now I see the real truth... poor H! BUT!!! What about the difference in drives? Can we EVER get to a point where we are both happy? Seems he would give up eating/sleeping for it, and I just don't put it in that category... yet! How do we get to the point where we can both feel good about this? Do I have to say "yes!" every time? How do I say a nice "no"? Is there a way to do it where he feels like I'm still hot for him, just need sleep more!!!
Now that I realize how much he craves my physical touch, I'm a little worried! See, my past habit is to avoid his touches, as they USUALLY end up with him making some request for sex, and me turning him down. I just don't think he knows how to 'turn it off' if he gets going. So, if I start getting all 'touchy-feely', isn't it going to lead to me turning him down? How do I tell him that for me, non-sexual touching is great, but I won't get into it if he always turns it into a 'come-on'?
We have been married for 10yrs, have 4 children (11, 8, 3, 20mos) including one special needs son, so I think a lot of my problem stems from exhaustion. I'm 34yrs old, so I don't think hormones could be the problem just yet, so I guess I just don't get WHY I'm LD. I wish I was HD... it would make things so much easier... is it possible to 'change'???
I appreciate any input you might have... I really want this to be a change I can continue for life... I already see such a wonderful change in H!
I provided my W with my minimum interval...once on the weekends and once during the week. So far it works ok. This past weekend, she waited until Sunday night before I left on my trip to DC (where I am now). We had some passionate kisses on Fri and Sat leading up and I tried progressively harder to convert those into ML. By Sunday, with shaky desperation, I actually had to ask her in the morning to absolutely make time for us that day. In my mind, Saturday night was the deadline. W has to allow me to get weird about it at that point but prior to it she can reject me.
One comment - he probably has more than one set of feelings. Of course he is going to feel hurt and angry, and also just plain frustrated. He's going to feel pushed out.
But that doesn't mean he doesn't feel loving and tender, or that he doesn't identify strongly with you. People are really complex, they have lots of feelings at the same time. So I'm very careful about what I say to my wife. I don't want to push her away further because I'm feeling like there is this big sexual barrier between us.
So I think it's really good for you to be aware how much it hurts to not have sex in your relationship, how pushed away he may feel. But I don't think it's dishonest to try to focus on what is good about the marriage, and there's a reason that people like your husband and I don't want to poison what we have by dwelling only on our sexual frustration. I have only so many hours a week with my wife, and I want to use them in a way that builds the marriage.
Quote: Ok, now I see the real truth... poor H! BUT!!! What about the difference in drives? Can we EVER get to a point where we are both happy? Seems he would give up eating/sleeping for it, and I just don't put it in that category... yet! How do we get to the point where we can both feel good about this?
Well, I'm speaking from the HD perspective, and as someone who has not succeeded yet. But for what it's worth, I'm probably an archetypical HD married guy. In our very early marriage, we had sex a lot, enough to make it hard to keep up with the rest of life. It was fun ;-> I'm not asking for that. We went through periods where we were having sex say, once a week. That was enough for me to feel close, to feel that there wasn't this big barrier between us, and to understand that with our busy schedules, and the differences between us, of course we aren't having sex all the time.
Then we went to once a month, and it dropped off to a couple of times a year, once a year, not every year, not once during the last six years. Even when everything else is going well in the marriage, there's this big barrier, there's a elephant in the room, and I can't not care about it. I feel rejected and pushed away all the time, even when she's really not rejecting me in other ways, and she's working hard to include me in her life and be loving to me.
There's some frequency that is clearly too much for both of you. Say, every five minutes, 24 hours a day. There's some frequency that is clearly not enough for him, and maybe not for you either. Say once every five years. Then there's some frequency where he's not going to feel like there's a big barrier, and some frequency where he's going to feel really close. When we were at once or twice a week, I was in that range. Your mileage may vary. And I think it makes a big difference what you are doing in between having sex. If you have a fight, he's going to feel a barrier. If you constantly remind him of your love (and he should do the same!) then that ties in to the sex you are having, and less frequently may be OK.
Also, for me the *reason* we're not having sex makes a big difference. Back when we had a sex life, if I was on a business trip for 6 weeks, or she had just had a baby, I felt the physical side of sexual frustration, but it wasn't a barrier between us. And I knew it wasn't permanent.
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Seems he would give up eating/sleeping for it, and I just don't put it in that category... yet!
If you order a pizza, it doesn't take that much time to wolf it down and get back to business ;->
But clearly, the rest of your life needs to work too. Kids need to be taken care of, people need to go to work, bills need to be paid. In our lives, I can't imagine finding time for sex every night (it would be great, though!).
Quote: Is there a way to do it where he feels like I'm still hot for him, just need sleep more!!!
You don't have to feel hot for him 24 hours a day. I sleep from 10:30 to 6:00 every night, and that's scheduled right in. Other activities happen at other times. There are free times where we don't fix what is going to happen, and other times where we schedule things in. You can have sex either way - there's no law against scheduling it, but spontanaeity is nice too. If I were your hubby, I would like having some idea knowing when it's OK for me to initiate. (Well, my wife has answered the question, but she said "never", and I'd prefer a different answer.)
But how do I get him to understand MY NEEDS in all of this? I'd love to exchange back rubs in bed... seems simple, right? But, it seems to get 'complicated' as soon as it's H's turn! He changes it from a relaxing rub to a request for sex. I give him a little grope in the kitchen getting breakfast ready and he asks if we're 'on' for tonight! I know right now he's desperate for 'it' , but it's making me nervous already!!! Seems it has to be all or nothing!!!
What is a nice way to turn him down? What would make it easier to hear? I want more non-sexual touching, but how do we get to that? I am afraid of 'leading him on' right now, and causing hurt feelings (worse than he already has) and misunderstandings.
You've got to sit down and tell him in exactly the same way that you are telling us =) Its just that simple. I know that if my wife told me that she had recognized the problem in the way that you clearly have, that she understood where I was coming from and had made the effort that you are making, I would be more than willing to meet her halfway. We aren't beast who just want sex . . . . he wants to be your husband too and Im sure that he wants you to feel as fulfilled as you want him to feel.
And as far as turning him down sometimes . . . . . its not being turned down once in a while that bothers us . . . . its being CONSTANTLY turned away, and you've already made it clear to us that you don't want to do that. So make it clear to him just as nicely as you did here in this thread. And when you feel as though you need to turn him down, do it by saying "how bout tomorrow morning after I've had some sleep?"
The poor guy is probably just so excited right now by you initiating that he's thinking "WHHOOHHOOOO . . . She's BACK!" and is trying to make up for lost time. Just that alone should tell you that he's been hurting and longing for this for a while regardless of what he's been telling you.
Newlywed's right, just tell him honestly, the way you've told us. He needs to respect your right to say "no." And (unlike my situation), because you say "yes" sometimes, it should be easy for him to respect that.
Tell him, "sometimes, I just want to cuddle without sex. I want you to respect that."
Tell him, "I like to flirt with you, but let's enjoy the flirting without you thinking that you have to act on it immediately."
It should rarely be "all or nothing." You know what they say, "everything in moderation, including moderation" Go wild sometime. Go for a simple touch sometime. Just sit in the same room and read sometime. Do him doggy style in the woods sometime. You know what I mean?
Tell him, "sometimes, I just want to cuddle without sex. I want you to respect that."
I think I've explained that to him before, but perhaps it wasn't accepted as well because of his anger/frustration? I know he has felt denied by me for a long time, so at this point he's not going to pass up a chance that we might ML by not giving it the old 'college try'! Then, I just totally freeze up! I feel like he's pushing me again! Ugh!
The poor guy is probably just so excited right now by you initiating that he's thinking "WHHOOHHOOOO . . . She's BACK!" and is trying to make up for lost time. Just that alone should tell you that he's been hurting and longing for this for a while regardless of what he's been telling you.
I'm sure he's doing cartwheels around the classroom(he's a teacher)!!! Only thing, I'm still the same inside. I still don't feel that overwhelming desire I think he might be hoping I feel... I'm going to let him down totally when he realizes it, and is he going to think it's just a 'ploy'???
How do we get to the point where we can both feel good about this? Do I have to say "yes!" every time? How do I say a nice "no"? Is there a way to do it where he feels like I'm still hot for him, just need sleep more!!!
How do I tell him that for me, non-sexual touching is great, but I won't get into it if he always turns it into a 'come-on'? 
Seems it has to be all or nothing!!!